5 Impressions of Cambridge From An Outsider

This weekend I visited my friend in Cambridge. I couldn’t help but be struck by how horrendously alien this world is; a dystopian Harry Potter without the cosy Warner Bros shean.

Read on for the top five sites of my utter bafflement:

1. Unnecessary Cape Wearing

Gowns are for graduating in, and given that it is Cambridge, for wearing to formal but only during dinner. Why then have I seen a vast number of Cambridgians wandering around wearing their gowns at all times of day for absolutely no good reason at all. I saw one girl wearing her gown and riding a bike. WHY!? So unpractical.

Artist’s impresison of Churchill Formal on Wednesday night…

2.      Blatant and outrageous lying

The endless conversation about how little work you have all done.

Cambridgian 1: “I’ve done no work today”

Cambridgian 2: “No, but I genuinely haven’t done any work at all.”

Cambridgian 1: “No, seriously. I LITERALLY haven’t done anything in like a week”

Cambridgian 2: “I HAVE NEVER WORKED EVER!”

What is the point in this? Both of you know that you went out last night, went to bed at 4, got up at 7, wrote an essay by 10, went to a supervision, wrote another essay after lunch, applied for three grad schemes, played rugby/ rowed/ did a 5km run, went out for dinner in your gown, wrote an article for the tab and went to a play rehearsal.

3.      Bedroom inequality

Why have some of you got palatial suites and the rest of live in Harry-Potter-cupboard-under-the stairs rooms?

How many Harry Potter references does it take to screw into a lightbulb?

4.      Evil and tedious librarians

Lists and lists of extreme rules written in Latin, “Sutto Voce”. Firstly it’s quite obvious it’s supposed to be quiet because it’s a library. Secondly why does writing in Latin make any difference to anything at all? Ever.,

I can also not ignore the incident that I witnessed in which a poor boy was attempting to take out a night loan book from the MML library at twenty to four. He was told that night loan books could only be taken out at quarter to four, and that he would have to wait five minutes. He waited, book in hand, for five minutes in front of the library who, at quarter to exactly, then proceded to process the book. The student in question had been in a terrible rush. This was unforgiveable.

5.      Total ignorance about popular culture

In my 3 days in Cambridge I’ve heard one girl ask “what is Linkedin?” and another “who is Miley Cyrus”. I’m sure plenty of you are normal and watch TV, read Heat and socialise etc but there are some letting the side down and this needs sorting.

Name the soap… no? Can’t?

You are a strange people, you Tabs. But please God, never change.