The News From The Dark Blues

Oxford announced plans this week to scrap its History library. Move went largely unnoticed by history students.

It’s been a tough week for history students. First off, Jimmy Wales had the sheer audacity to black out Wikipedia, ruining their essay for Hilary term.

Now the University intends to scrap the library altogether and siphon off its thousands of expensive paper weights to other corners of the Dreaming Spires. It has even been suggested that borrowing books will thereon become impossible, prompting a panic borrowing frenzy that led to more than five books being taken out before closing time on Friday.

In other news, Lembit Opik was his usual charming self at President Drinks in the Oxford Union, which followed after a debate about bad laws that ought to be broken. Always happy to please, Opik delighted the assortment of brilliant young minds at the after-debate drinks by whipping out his harmonica and using it to demonstrate the extent of his sexual prowess. So that’s what that poor Cheeky Girl saw in him, evidently.

Oh, and he played some blues with the harmonica too – apparently he’ rather good. And he carries it around with him everywhere. Not that you’ll find anything pertaining to this fascinating insight into Opik-land in The Oxford Student, who he threatened with legal action if he published it.

A few days after Opik-gate, broadsheet-favourite Elly Nowell instructed Oxford students to “get a sense of humour”, and rightly brought it to everyone’s attention that the University is crawling with port-swilling fascists, Jaeger-drenched louts, pretentious idiots and Iranian torturers. According to one student, “much lolling ensued”, and our superior yet somewhat puritanical rival (just ask Corpus Christi students) the Cherwell drew a lovely half-page cartoon of her. Chips, anyone? Elly’s got plenty.

Meanwhile Wadham’s self-styled battalion of lads slapped down the meat-free meals day in college and were promptly subject to a torrent of abuse from biased reporters and “rainbow-cake-loving vegan wankers.”

Last but not least there were reports of a wild bear roaming the University parks, according to one 2nd year English student, though reports circulated shortly after that the chief eyewitness had more mescaline than blood in his veins, at the time of the bear-sighting.

The scare-mongering campaign was nipped in the bud shortly after. Indeed this is probably the first your dear cousins at the Other Place will have heard of that strange and terrible evening.