The News From The Dark Blues

Oxford’s JAMES ROTHWELL keeps you up to speed with what’s big in The Other Place.

First of all, Oxford’s had a media scandal all of its own.

Our Corpus Christi’s JCR has refused to stock copies of The Oxford Student after an investigation landed in the Mail, Telegraph, and the Mirror, recounting the debauchery, cronyism and casual misogyny of everyone’s favourite whipping boy, Oxford University Conservative Association.

That’s right; the boys in blue had stopped masturbating frantically over portraits of Margaret Thatcher to throw together a motion condemning the vicious and immoral behaviour of the newspaper. Imagine! Student journalists exposing corruption. How dare they, those disingenuous, repugnant bastards.

But don’t worry chaps! Some bright spark decided to clear OUCA’s name for good, and fabricate a damning Proctor’s report on the OUCA Wikipedia page. After all, if you were caught out in public, you wouldn’t be stupid enough to own up, would you? No, you’d bloody well set the world to rights on Wikipedia. Yes, you would.

Meanwhile, it would appear that University College’s Dean has had enough with the rampant debauchery that invaded his college at the start of the year. After a couple of padawan lads had too much Lambrini and chundered all over their bedrooms (and all over the college, and all over the bathrooms, then after a quick strawpedo, in their bed and their sink alternately)  the Dean put his foot down. Compulsory alcohol sessions, for all! He demanded. They obeyed. Tears were shed in the bar.

Now a sombre point, which I won’t embellish, as I’ve already spent the majority of this column pirouetting on the verge of libel.
St Peters’ Steven Rawlings was found dead last week, prompting a barrage of media speculation and some dubious claims about the circumstances of his death. Students and academics alike have paid tribute to Rawlings, who was a popular and extremely talented member of the college.

In other news, Oxford’s police force are trying to set up a laughable Party Patrol to shut down impromptu gatherings in student houses, while Magdalen took the very PC decision to blanket ban all rusticated (sent down) students, including those absent on medical grounds, from this term’s ball.

OUTSTANDING!

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