The Results – The Theatre Guide Dog Awards Michaelmas 2011

This is what happens when THE THEATRE GUIDE DOG allows you to decide who wins awards.

2011 Ami Jones Caitlin Doherty emma roberts fresher the musical grimm tales jerry springer the opera leo parker-rees Max Upton Michaelmas oskar mccarthy Tartuffe theatre guide dog awards

Well it took you long enough, but it seems as a lumbering mass you’ve finally made up your mindless minds. I made the noble decision of letting you have a sort of opinion (albiet limited to multiple-choice answers – you don’t deserve any better) and you have not disappointed me more than I expected. Well done, pups.

 Best Show – Jerry Springer the Opera 

“. . . the most exciting, ambitious, professional show Cambridge has seen in a long time”

So the most sold-out ADC Mainshow won it. Big surprise, guys, thanks for being predictable voters. But it did have pole-dancing hillbillies and tap-dancing racists, so perhaps you can be forgiven.

“I’m so delighted to accept these awards, though it is really my incredible cast and crew that deserve the applause. They were just the most professional, talented and friendly bunch I could’ve ever hoped for.

“Special thanks to Ben Atkinson, my brilliant musical director, and to Stewart Lee and Richard Thomas for writing the greatest musical ever. Jerry Springer the Opera was an obsession of mine for years, and it gives me great satisfaction to know that it has bewitched all you lovely voters as much as it bewitched me.

“Here’s hoping we see more gratuitous blasphemy and cross-dressing KKK members grace the ADC stage in the future!”

– Oskar McCarthy, director

 Worst Slating – FRESHER: The Musical 

“. . . I have never seen anything like this in Cambridge . . . external faggot force . . . THERE IS MORE TO FUCKING LASAGNE THAN A DISH AND CHEESE . . . this is so bad you have to see it”

Nothing like an online poll to make you all shamelessly turn on each other like a pack of sadistic dogs.

The cast and crew of FRESHER: The Musical have declined to comment.

 Worst Response to a Review – Tartuffe 

 “It didn’t make me laugh very much, but my heart is cold and stony and I take things way too seriously I’m told”

As plankton feed the mighty blue whale, it is you, O green slime of the comments section, who truly nourish Tab theatre. Marvel at some of your own critically astute, well-phrased gems below.

 “. . . we feel that it might have been better for the Tab to send someone with a sense of humour”

“Next time don’t write a review with pms [sic]”  

“Caitlin Doherty? More like… umm… Caitlin Dorubbishreviews. Ha ha ha.” 

“The show got 5 stars from Varsity and CTR . . . !”

“The indignation of freshers reading reviews for the first time…makes me feel young again.”  

“Brilliant review. I felt like I was sitting in a different dimension to the rest of the audience” 

– Various Tab commenters

 The Spirit of Theatre Award – Jerry Springer the Opera 

“This is what theatre should be doing.” 

OH LOOK! Best-selling-ADC-Mainshow has won BOTH the positive awards! Never mind. Here, have a photoshopped picture of Max Upton.

 Most Incorrect Review – Grimm Tales 

“I’m not seriously suggesting that Cinderella should’ve been tripping balls (am I?)”

Having been called in the course of a mere three weeks “a bit harsh,” “the worst thing about The Tab,” as well as “a total cunt,” it pleases me no end to congratulate my fellow critic in her success in attracting your jealousy and poorly-phrased insults.

“Thank-you Ami and readers of The Tab for this dubious acknowledgement. Although unlikely to enhance my CV, accepting this award has really taught me a lot about myself and how incorrect I am, which is useful to know.

“In the future I will try to be less wrong about all things, and avoid freshers’ parents and Carol Ann Duffy fans at all costs. Five stars all round everyone, Merry Christmas.”

– Emma Roberts, winning critic

Well, that’s all, folks – see you in 2012. Try not to miss my astute criticism and dashing good looks too much.

Graphics by Leo Parker-Rees