The Tabometer

Introducing the all new Tabometer, where Features Editor KATIE MAIR lets you know who’s a Lad, and what’s just plain Bad.

Brazil Corpus Clock David Beckham Jonathan Ross Lucozade william shakespeare

LAD

Lad Peter Postlethwaite:
Spielberg called him the ‘best actor in the world’, and the Guardian kept insisting that ‘rugged’ was not a synonym for ‘ugly’. Rightly honoured with an OBE in 2008, Peter was undoubtedly one of the best actors of his generation. A public memorial service is likely to be held in his honour this February.

Lad Romeo Beckham:
Made number 26 in GQ’s Best Dressed Men list. The questionable criteria did see David Cameron at number 20, and Prince Harry at number bloody FIVE (presumably with his weekend threads in mind, rather than his fancy dress choices) but that’s still pretty good going for a little Lad in Year Four.

Lad Stephen Hawking:
World-famous scientist, brain like a planet, best-selling author- Stephen is doing alright for himself. But sod the People’s Medal of Freedom, it’s Nuts’ Best Bloke of 2010 that everyone’s vying for, and he’s only gone and won it. Nestling in amongst Nuts’ in-depth coverage of lady-flesh, important football issues and the latest on very fast cars, Hawking has single-handedly made astrophysics look sexy. Lad.

Lad Corpus clock
Dr John Taylor, the inventor of Corpus’ £1 million testament to horology, is to receive an OBE for his design. It is golden, it features a badass insect, and the Greek name with which Taylor Christened it translates as ‘time eater’. Very laddy indeed.

BAD

Bad iPhone 4:
Alarms failed to work on Janurary 1st. Why anyone in their right mind was so eager to get up on New Years Day is quite beyond us, but it is probably a bit annoying to be the owner of a ‘smart’ phone when it can’t actually tell the time. Poor Steve J. Not a great start to 2011.

Bad Jonathan Ross’ face:
Recently pictured with an elaborate goatee and even worse hair than usual. Like William Shakespeare in Willy Wonka’s suit, he is looking more offensive than ever. Bad. Very Bad.

Bad Precipitate:
It never rains, but it pours. Or freezes. Or snows. Frozen pipes in Northern Ireland over Christmas, devastating flood waters in Queensland and Brazil, and BA losing £50 million due to last month’s snowy disruptions. Bad.

Bad Influenza:
Yes, litres of Lucozade and a couple of weeks in bed sounds beautiful. But symptoms including extreme exhaustion, cough, sore throat, fever and muscle ache aren’t exactly the stuff of dreams. With a fifth of hospital beds taken up by ‘flu patients over the Christmas period, it’s bad alright.