Declan Clancy

Kate and Will to marry next year?! DECLAN CLANCY goes all Jennie Bond and intercepts some wedding preparation emails from Downing Street…

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From: ‘Dave’
To: ‘Queen’
Subject: Huzzah!

Dear Ma’am,

So chuffed to hear the spiffing news. Got it today halfway through Cabinet. Let me tell you, all the boys were hollering, cheering, and banging on tables. We hadn’t kicked up such a fuss since Boris ploughed his Rolls half-cut through that gypsy camp! Good to see Nick and Vincent got involved too; wasn’t sure about that lot at first, but they’re showing themselves to be top class fellows! Everyone was jolly excited. I felt it was appropriate for Binty to bring in the 81’ commemorative doilies and chinaware to have celebratory elevenses! May have got a little carried away on the clotted cream so feeling a little icky now, but all in the name of Queen and Country I suppose!

Anyway, hate to be a bit of a party pooper, but there are a few little things I need to tell you about the wedding bash. So you may not have heard but we’ve dropped the ball a tad and kept some Arabian fellows in that American camp for maybe a little bit too long. Turns out they were innocent after all, and are a little bit peeved off about the whole thing! They’ve started acting up and threatened to spill a couple of SECRETS (i.e. What happened to ‘her’ that night in ‘P’ with that salesboy from ‘H’ on the way back from ‘T.R’ in the ‘M’) Whoops! So, we may have had to dip a little into the ‘Babykins and Big Willie Royal Wedding’ fund. It shouldn’t be too much of a problem – just a few less ribbons for the corgis, etc. George will send you over the plans later.

Lots of love,



From: ‘Count Chocula’ [email protected]
To:  ‘Dave’

David you utter cunt can you stop referring to yourself as ‘Dave’. It’s embarrassing us all.

That shit-for-brains grandson nearly fucked it all up didn’t he? ‘Are you excited for the wedding Will?’ ‘The timing is right’. That is not the right answer! We printed out a brief and sent it to him last week for fuck’s sake. Some good news, though – that Diet Sloane bint of his seems to have understood my little hints about toeing the line. Thought giving her Diana’s ring would make her understand. ‘Are you excited Kate?’ ‘I am daunted’. Perfect. She won’t be giving us any problems after that. Sending wedding plans over to Q now. Also, can you please tell me how to get rid of this ‘Count Chocula’ thing on my emails. It wasn’t funny at school, and it’s not funny now.

George (Chancellor of the Exchequer)


From: ‘Count Chocula’ [email protected]
To: ‘Queen’
CC: ‘Dave’
Subject: ‘Official Wedding Plans’

Dear Ma’am,

Presume David has informed you of the current financial problems we are experiencing. In light of this, attached below is the revised plan for the wedding. Just a quick note, we’ve moved it to Hyde Park this year. Hope you don’t mind.

11 am: Meet at The Frog and Finger Pub in Hyde Park (Leeds). Landlord (Terry – possible MBE?) says he will keep the louts out for at least half an hour. All guests will receive 1 free drink each, anyone who tries to take any more will be ejected (someone tell Harry to bring a coat).
11.30 am: Wedding Party will enter two processional coaches (32 seaters) and will slowly travel along a road to Kirkstall Civic Hall. Everyone owes £1 for the coach.
12 pm: Arrive at Kirkstall Civic Hall. Wedding Party exits coaches (taking all litter and drinks with them) and enters. Miss Middleton should arrive soon after, accompanied by father, in ceremonial Transit Van, compliments of Terry the landlord (Definite MBE). Official photos by Kirkstall Gazette.
12.25 pm: Coaches move wedding herd to Hyde Park Working Men’s Club. Gourmet buffet, including finger sandwiches, volauvents, and mini sausage rolls on arrival. Strict orders that anything not eaten will be bagged up. Free Bar starts.
12.50 pm: Free bar finishes.
1.30 pm: Prince Philip’s speech. Press Blackout. See-Enoch Powell, ‘Rivers of Blood’.
2 pm: Locally renowned DJ Kane West takes over Entertainment. Couple’s first song: R.Kelly ‘Bump ‘N’ Grind’.
1.30 am: Last Orders at bar.
2 am: Coaches leave to return to London. Roy, the driver, reserves the right to refuse entry to anyone fighting or being sick, and will not condone drugs on board. Alternative Travel Lodge booking/transport home arranged for Harry.

Hope you are looking forward to the day’s festivities. Should you have any further queries please don’t hesitate to contact Nick Clegg at [email protected]

G. Osborne (Chancellor of the Exchequer).