The Tab’s Top Ten Tracks
This Week, GEORGE OSBORN sums up the deadline panic in ten tracks
George OsbornIt’s week five, Valentines Day was on a Sunday and everyone has the mid February flu and as a result 99.9% of the university population has slacked behind on their work. With my essay deadline on Thursday and having done fuck all reading, this week’s playlist could only be dedicated to one thing and one thing alone: deadline panics.
Walk on the Wild Side – Lou Reed
Hey, it’s cool. I’ve got ages left to do this piece of work. Sure I can come for that coffee/to the pub/to mourn the college cat’s death, everyone is so het up about work nowadays aren’t they?
Time is Running Out – Muse
What do you mean you’ve moved my Supervision forward by two days? And you’ve added work to the reading list? Jesus Christ, I knew I should have started work sooner!
The Kids Don’t Stand a Chance – Vampire Weekend
Well actually, it’ll be ok won’t it? No-one else is going to do the work for this Supervision are they? Other than (insert keen workers name here) but I’ve got friends so sod ‘em.
Stress – Justice
Hang on a minute…..(insert dossers name here) is doing the work? Holy shit, I really am going to have to do this but I’ve only got a day and a half left. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Pressure Point – The Zutons
Four books, three Red Bulls and 22 hours left to finish this. That’s doable right? Probably best I go to the UL for this one though…..
Optimistic – Radiohead
Yeah, not going badly actually. I think I’m going to get it done in time. Am pretty tired though, keep thinking the words on the pages are dancing when I shut my eyes though. Odd….
Also Frightened – Animal Collective
But what happens if they thinks it’s crap? I’m not having anywhere near enough time to check this one through this week…what happens if they have a random uni wide purge of crap candidates?!
15 Minutes – The Strokes
Oh sod that, I’ve got to hand this in. And they want me to print it out for them and put it in their pidge? Gits, let’s hope the bike chain holds……
Race for the Prize – The Flaming Lips
Yes, I can make this! Oh fuck off tourists, get out of the way I’ve got something far more important to do than take pictures of the Corpus bloody Clock! It’s just a bloody locust!
Success – Jay-Z feat NaS
Yes my supervisor may just have been walking out of College as I handed my work to him, but that doesn’t matter it still counts as on time. Ahhhhh……Cindies anyone?
‘Maybe try a different course’: Ranking Cambridge University lecturers’ brutal comments
Esther KnowlesNo wonder Cambridge students always look stressed
Quiz: Find out where you’d sit in the Cambridge University college boat club eight
Freya WattsYou go to Cambridge and don’t row? How else do you spend your free time?
Cambridge University college to install climbing wall inside 150 year old church tower
Pembroke has already converted the church on Trumpington Street into an auditorium
Cambridge University to ban use of the term ‘Oxbridge’ due to elitist connotations
Anyone caught using the word will be forced to undertake a mandatory ‘inclusivity training’
St John’s College Cambridge now has control over the SJV choir’s social media
The petition to save the mixed choir is supported by the former archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams
Cambridge University temporarily halts funding from fossil fuel companies
A report found that donations from oil and gas companies posed a ‘high reputational risk’ for the university
Eight cafés to try in Cambridge as a student before you graduate from university
Lucy BarberSpoiler alert: Fitzbillies isn’t the only coffee shop in Cambridge
St John’s College Cambridge mixed choir is being disbanded
The decision means female sopranos will no longer be able to sing in any chapel services
Cambridge University colleges as songs with women’s names in the title
Ellen HawleyGet ready to update your playlist immediately x
Leah Whiting
Cambridge men lose on penalties at the 150th anniversary of Varsity football
Cambridge was forced to substitute its goalkeeper following an injury on the third minute
THE RESULTS: Cambridge vs Oxford women’s football 2024
A short summary of the Varsity match for those of you who know nothing about football
Cambridge’s smallest pub has reopened after four years
Here’s everything you need to know about The Rad, a tiny pub on King Street
Review: Blackadder Goes Forth – Cambridge Does Comic Relief
Sophie PetrieA performance that did justice to the much-loved British comedy
Paint thrown over Cambridge University West site building in protest of its ties to Israel
Cambridge’s Laboratory for Scientific Computing has been under fire for its links to arms companies
A moral alignment ranking of Cambridge college rowing blade designs
Totally objective (based on free speed and vibez)
A definitive ranking of Cambridge stash from ugly to just about wearable
April O'NeillIt’s me and my puffer against the world
Olivia Little
Who are the candidates running for election at the Cambridge Union?
Jessica SpearmanVoting opens Thursday 7th March after the weekly debate
Everything Jack O’Connell has been up to since breaking all our hearts as Cook in Skins
Rebecca MurphyHe’s now starring in the new Amy Winehouse biopic Back To Black
From absolute legends to losers, the definitive ranking of Coachella’s biggest headliners
Aaron EdwardsThere’s been the best of shows, there’s been the worst of shows
Emily Smith
Tori has finally spilled what her friendship status is now with the other MAFS Australia girls
Harrison Brocklehurst‘What those girls did to me was not friendship’
Madeleine complains that her MAFS Australia edit made her look like a ‘batsh*t crazy b*tch’
Francesca EkeThe psychic medium said that producers ‘pushed on a relationship topic that she didn’t want to go into’
MAFS Australia bride says groom broke up with her ‘out of the blue’ and won’t reply to her
‘He won’t reply to me. He hasn’t replied’
A body language expert says Jack and Tori are lying about having sex on MAFS Australia
‘Do I think they had proper sex? No’
Everything Eden and Jayden have been up to since their messy run on MAFS Australia
Apparently they broke up FOUR TIMES after filming finished
This is why everyone thinks Taylor Swift’s song thanK you aIMee is about Kim Kardashian
The title literally spells out KIM!!
All the savage Matty Healy lyrics Taylor Swift sings on The Tortured Poets Department
‘They shake their heads and say God help her when I tell them he’s my man’
Richard Gadd speaks about how similar Baby Reindeer’s Martha actually is to his real stalker
Phoebe KowhaiShe did actually send him over 41,071 emails and leave 350 hours of voicemails
Student at £43,000 a year private school ‘smashed the skulls’ of two students with hammer
The 17-year-old also tried to kill a teacher in ‘horrific attack’
Ellie Ring
What have Timothy and Lucinda been up to since their MAFS Australia 2024 homestay fight?
They’re still besties!
Here’s where to watch Richard Gadd next if you’re obsessed with Netflix’s Baby Reindeer
He’s in a police show with Stephen Graham!
Digs at Davide to Lorraine Kelly drama: What Ekin-Su has been up to since Celeb Big Brother
Iona MacRobertShe’s been in the headlines a lot lately
After their tense homestay, are Jack and Tori still together after MAFS Australia 2024?
I need answers immediately
Yikes! A snippet of Taylor Swift’s new album has allegedly leaked and people are SLATING it
‘We declared Charlie Puth should be a bigger artist’ is an actual lyric
Inside the life of Walton Goggins, the Fallout ghoul everyone is weirdly crushing on
Lily ColdstreamYes, it’s possible to thirst after a man who looks like a carved pumpkin