Tom Davenport’s Strictly Speaking

Reporting the news that everyone else missed.

Clash of the Titans

Perhaps the most anticipated fixture in the Cambridge sporting calendar came to a dramatic conclusion last week.

Estimates as to attendance at the annual Pembroke II vs. Sidney III Mixed Netball match have varied considerably. This year was no exception. Speaking before the game, Briony Philips, Assistant Coach for the Sidney side commented; ‘were really looking forward to the contest, though logistics may be an issue.’ Both teams have had tough years, struggling to stay afloat due to the falling levels of participation. The sport has suffered as it is seen increasingly as a game for the coordinated.

The final result of the game, scheduled for Thursday morning, was match cancellation. Neither team succeeded in mustering sufficient players to make up a full side. In fact, every single competitor failed to show up. It is thought that both sides were hit by hangover epidemics. Commentators have speculated that that this could have been induced by alcohol consumption the previous evening, possibly in Cindies Dance House. Professional opinions vary on the subject. The Captain of the Pembroke side declined to comment. He added ‘mate, so many hot babes.’ This is the 12th time that the game has been cancelled since the establishment of the league 12 years ago.

‘Ghastly’ Carols

Described as ‘simply awful,’ the unusual advent service of St. Anthony’s College left the insubstantial congregation stunned. This was however just the most recent of a series of remarkable services delivered at the college.

Worship at St. Anthony’s has been in tailspin ever since the controversial cost cutting initiatives of the college’s new chaplain came into effect last year. Most notably, this included the renting out of the chapel as a Nighttime Dance Resort and the replacement of the choir with a little known local drum and base DJ.

The Very Rev. Patrick Henfield, responsible for these radical changes commented ‘choirs are just so not the done thing anymore. You know, I mean, God was (I think he meant ‘is’) no chorister was he’? He spread the word by whatever means was available to him. ‘You’ve just got to connect, man.’

It is rumoured that a recent deal with Lance the Dance Baron, a local Cambridgeshire Night Club owner and drug lord has secured St. Anthony’s the use of a corner of ‘Cindies,’ on Wednesday evenings. Meanwhile the Chapel functions fully as one of Lance’s newest business ventures following the extension of its license. The Chaplain commented ‘This really is the future of Christianity.’