DVD Round Up: Horror
Just in time for Cambridge Christmas ROB BROWN takes a look at three of the best horror films.
So the nights are well and truly drawn in, the essay crises are coming to a close and all you want to do is go to sleep nursing your horror at the impending end of a wasted term. Well, how about a nice scary film or three to lift your mood! As per usual, we’ll have a look at three horror staples – in this case zombie films, the teen slasher and the over-the-top horror comedy. Read on… if you dare! Or something.
Dawn of the Dead
What a film. All you geeks furiously masturbating over Left4Dead2 or any of the million other zombie games should switch media. Because this is it: the daddy of the zombie genre. Basic premise: zombies, a mall, weird redneck biker gangs. Sounds a lot like Dead Rising doesn’t it? Except with a shed load more automatic gunfire. Fuck Romero’s so-called commentary on consumerism, decadence and all the other wanky bullshit your annoying social scientist “friend” will come up with after seeing it. This film is about zombies. Lots of zombies. And while it may be overlong, at least its’ put together with a bit of style. Unlike pretty much any other zombie movie. Also the fucking zombies can’t fucking run, unlike some fucking sell outs. Yeah that’s right I’m looking at you Danny Boyle. You cunt. Most importantly there are so many decayed sacks of shit walking around in this film you can pretend they’re all the people you hate in the world and then cheer when they die… or is that just me. Fuck.
Entertainment value if you care about more than just gore: 3.5
The Evil Dead
Possibly the best film ever made. Definitely the best film made by Sam Raimi. It’s pretty easy to sum this one up: “Let’s spend a weekend in an isolated cabin; oh look a Book of the Dead, lets play a tape recording of its spells; oh shit I’m possessed and that forest looks awfully rapey”. This film is truly mental. When the main villains are essentially a bunch of trees and yet it’s still scary – you know you’re watching a proper horror movie. It also spawned two truly fantastic sequels, featuring even more mentalness – a chainsaw for a hand anyone? Also, although it’s by Sam Raimi, there are absolutely no crappy dance sequences. Nope, not one. So go on, treat yourself: spend an evening with Bruce Campbell’s massive chin and all the misogynistic fantasies you could hope to find in a single movie.
Sheer bloody audacity: 4
A Nightmare on Elm Street
Finally we’re going to spend a little time with Wes Craven, the king of all things horror. While the Scream series will no doubt suit you bohemian arty types much better, being as you are massively into all things meta and in-jokey (shit it breaks the fourth wall, how amazing), Elm Street is where it started for all things Wes. Yes, I know that’s not true, it’s called artistic license you sanctimonious prick. As we’ve so far catered almost exclusively to the boys and have been somewhat…*ahem* mean to Cambridge’s women, this film has a little something for you girls: Johnny Depp while he still looked like the nice boy next door. The film itself is about the fine line between dreams and reality and as such has a nice line in plot twists. It also conjures up a pretty damn scary atmosphere, instead of my other two choices, which rely far more heavily on gore to create their horror. Freddy Krueger may be the most ridiculous character ever (who the hell would want knives on their fingers, that’s asking for a severed penis) but the whole hunting teenagers in their dreams idea is pure horror genius. Oh and it’s got its very own Simpsons spoof, so go on you know you want to watch it.