A quick and dirty guide to every fresher hall in Bristol

Living in halls is supposed to be ‘the ultimate uni experience’, where morals go to die and the ultimate goal is reaching the apex of self-degradation. In reality, it’s much more of a hit and miss dice roll than the frisbee throwing models on the glossy uni prospectus would have you believe.

Having endured the torture of being dragged to SWX more times than hearing ‘anyone got a rizla’, I was keen to discover if City Centre was really as soul-destroying as the stereotypes claimed (surprise: it was). So here is a nifty no-nonsense, no-bullshit guide to your life in halls I’ve complied during my first-year sesh ventures.

City Centre- where excitement goes to die

City Centre Halls

The Triple B: bland, basic, boring. Only for those keen to skip the whole ‘university experience’ and get stuck in the underwhelming 9 to 5 atmosphere years before you actually have to suffer it.

On the plus side, the location is great, meaning you don't need to leave an entire day to plan a shop at Cabot. This also means long and late pres as the clubs are just minutes away. But what’s the fun in that without the “seshy sixteen” and the fact that you’re drinking shit vodka in a nice prison.

Even balloons can't hide how dull City Centre halls are

University Hall

The quality of the experience is proudly compared to Sainsbury’s Basics – plain, cheap, but cost-effective. As you probably have already discovered, UH is 90% die hard socialists. If you don’t masturbate to Jeremy Corbyn you might as well move now. It’s also not unusual to charge your flatmates for a pinch of salt.

Manor Hall

The liveliest place outside Stoke Bishop – Manor is that cool single Aunt you have who gets a bit too drunk at family gatherings and grows weed in her back garden. Living here is a cheerful experience despite the fact it’s basically a library.

At least Manor has this legend

Richmond Terrace

The Manor Hall lite. But no one’s really heard of the place.

Goldney

Aesthetic. So aesthetic. It screams Instagram. Although after months of trekking up that 80 degree hill you’ll probably never leave the place. Pictures over lectures right?

Even the pool table agrees

Clifton Hill House

Goldney Lite, but nobody’s really sure if it exists.

Badock

The somewhat unofficial HQ of the weird and unexpected. It is a common occurrence to find oneself surrounded by sixteen sets of keys that open nothing but a horses' nose . The whole thing feels like a hedonistic competition to become the edgiest and the waviest. So go buy a multipack of Wilkos balloons and fly off into the turbulence of fuckery; it's probably someone's birthday anyway – should you need an excuse for when porters who don’t give a shit casually confront you about it.

Putting the 'bad' into 'Badock'

Hiatt Baker

So run-down it feels like a post-war council house – it probably was anyway. The food you get is no different, some say they use ingredients that expired in the 60s: it really is the utmost epitome of what in common terms we call ‘shit’. It’s so bad that it has a dedicated Instagram page – you’re welcome to judge it yourself and arrive at the same conclusion as everyone else.

The self-catered version of this mess is quite decent though, although you’ll end up in your overdraft by Christmas from all the Dominos you’ll order.

Wills

The Xtra Tory Territory. Everyone here lives a Mansion in zone 12 and takes a daily helicopter to Waitrose. The only thing going for Wills is a nice patch of grass you’re not even allowed to walk on.

Deserves every single chant about it tbf

Durdham

D for Durdham. D for dead. Enough said.

Churchill

I forgot to write about it; guess that just sums it up. Their 'Shanty Town' is still better than UH though.