General Election 2017: The worst of both worlds?

Who the hell do I vote for?!

Anyone else confused? I just don’t want to vote for any of them. So instead of actually helping you decide, here’s a few more jumbled reasons why not to vote at all.

Let’s start with our Madame Tussaud’s Margaret Thatcher, none other than Theresa May.

Anyone who says the naughtiest thing they’ve ever done is run through a field of wheat clearly isn’t into anything too kinky, even if she’s proposed 50 shades of Brexit.

Talking of grey, her hair must be the most distinct shade of the comatose colour that encapsulates her personality so beautifully.

Let’s all take a minute to feel sorry for her husband Phillip, who she took to a butchers this morning; the only meat he’s seen all month.

Mother Theresa dodges questions like those who bankroll her party dodge tax, has run a campaign on strong leadership without showing any and even held hands with Donald Trump. She’d probably offer him sexual favours at a G8 senate if he asked politely.

She shows less enthusiasm for our Social Security than Charlie Sheen does for a trip to the clinic. Crucially, memes don’t exist in her melancholy world: rumour has it she thinks ‘Salt Bae’ is off the British coast. But at least she clarified what Brexit actually means. Brexit.

I’m not voting Tory until Jacob Rees-Mogg is in charge. God help us if such a fraud is the clear frontrunner.

Jeremy Corbyn is undeniably an honest and principled man. It’s just a shame his principles are shit.

Seemingly Intent on leading us back to the 70’s rather than into the future, it is hard to imagine Comrade Corbyn thinks of anything during sex but the IRA and Falklands War.

The only thing about him that has improved since then is his beard, which made him look like Zach Galfanalkis if he was a Soviet War Hero.

Just imagine scruffy Jezza standing next to Trudeau and Macron: he stands out like Gary Glitter in One Direction.

At least he’s added credibility by getting cool this year: after bizarrely being interviewed by rapper and rubeboy JME he professed that “I love classical music; I’ve got a soft spot for Mahler.”

Yet he’s far from the worst of his bunch. Diane Abbott was going to be home secretary: perhaps she should’ve stayed at home instead of shattering Labours’ already slim credibility levels. Mrs. Abbott answers every question like a Year 9 boy who hasn’t heard what was asked yet fancies his chances of bullshitting anyway. She’s been so tragic Jezza has had to be ruthless for the first time in his life and grant her ‘sick’ leave; about time for all those who are sick of her shit.

Abbott was one of few who backed Jezza for leader, unlike 83% of the PLP, who are less enthusiastic about Corbyn than Graham Norton would be about a night alone with Kendall Jenner. Perhaps Corbyn is best summed up by the fact that he is an Arsenal fan; the FA Cup triumph last month is almost certainly the only thing Jezzas’ Reds will win all summer. Can we have Sadiq Khan please?

At least he’s not involved

No man sums up the Liberal Democrats more than Tim Farron. He’s just a liberal man. Imagine him saying ‘I’m a Liberal.’ It just works.

Who even is Tim Farron? The Leader of the Libdems or a member of a Coldplay tribute band?

In all seriousness, the problem with Tim Not Nick Clegg Farron, is that he’s not very Liberal. He once called being gay was a sin, and has called Christianity “the most important thing in the universe bar nothing.” That doesn’t sound very Liberal to me.

He also won’t win. Not that I’m too bothered, yellow is a silly colour anyway. At least he’s my favourite British politician with FAR at front of his name. I’ll save that rant for another article. He might even get my vote…

Call this is a democracy. At times like this I’d like to be told how to vote!

Let the worst candidate win …