Why K Cider will change your life

Drink responsibly

Put down your Frosty Jack’s, leave your Sainsbury’s basic vodka on the shelf, pour your can of watered down Fosters in the sink. Ladies and gents, there is only one foul-tasting, liver-killing, cheap poison you need for every big night out. That my friends is K Cider.

For those not familiar with this putrid drink, be warned. Canned in sinister mat black cans with a single flame-coloured K, this explosive cider is not for the faint hearted. Knowing that K (not to be confused with another substance) comes only in 500ml cans and is a lethal 8.4 per cent, four of these bad boys will literally have you on the floor. So grab your four-pack and use this step by step guide on how to handle your first night on K Cider.

A ‘K’ night begins

K one

The first sips will make you recoil in disgust as the liquid burns your throat but don’t let this put you off. The magical thing about K is you’ll almost definitely feel tipsy after the first one. Normally after sinking one beverage any sign of drunkenness will be met by jeers and insults but if it’s a K night your friends should know a lot better. This is going to be a heavy one. Strap in.

K two

When you’ve plucked up the courage to down the dregs of your second K you now definitely need the toilet. As you stare at your reflection in the mirror that horrible realisation hits you: “I’m quite drunk here”. Don’t worry this is perfectly acceptable, despite this only being your second can. At this juncture, for some lightweights this might be the “get up and dance” stage or when that annoying housemate confesses they always steal your milk.

K three

This is the real transition can from being pretty tipsy to steaming drunk. Expect rowdiness to go through the roof on the Richter scale from a small quake to an all-out tsunami. In my experience K drinking makes people do weird things they would never commonly do, even when drunk. Don’t be surprised to see normally reserved girls chanting football songs, rugby lads singing Taylor Swift’s Love Story in unison or the fat guy in your group doing cartwheels in your front room.

K four

Obviously keep half of it for the road so you really peak just before entry to the club but be careful, you’ll be in a state by this stage. This is the point in pres where no one cares what’s happening. Your mate’s pissing in the shower while you pathetically jig along to Year 3000. K cider often brings on a violent side so watch yourself before you start destroying your neighbour’s garden in an Inbetweeners-esque type fashion.

K five

For veterans only.

This should prepare you for what to expect from your first night on the K. I can promise you, like all students’ favourite substances, that once you try it there’ll be no going back.