So you’re dropping for the first time? A guide for MD virgins

Know the difference between pingers and pills

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As your freshers’ hangover subsides and the memories of all the regretful things you’ve done in your few weeks at uni begin to fade, you and the new friends you’ve reluctantly been forced to make may well sit back in your shitty student rooms and find there’s something missing.

No amount of alcohol or bad, impersonal sex can fill that void, but we here in Bristol specialise in something that might help. I’m talking about ecstasy, MDMA, Mandy, 3,4-methylenedioxy-fucking-methamphetamine – you heard snatched rumours of its existence at school but now shit’s got real and if you want to stay cool then dropping’s a must.

So to give you a boost up the social ladder the Tab now presents a guide for that most important of nights – your first flirtation with the most Bristol drug you can take.

Getting your stuff

A standard dosage for a night of fun

It’s best to start local so don’t be afraid to post in your hall Facebook group, chances are your friendly neighbourhood dealer will get back to you in no time at all. If that doesn’t work then don’t worry, I totally know a guy who got a really cheap batch he needs to offload – some Dutch kid took a few and died but don’t worry, that was just bad luck. He probably had a pre-existing heart condition or something boring like that.

Smuggling it in

Remember to ask everyone in the queue if they've got any going spare!

Remember to ask everyone in the queue if they’ve got any going spare

I’m assuming you’ve already got your tickets to all the hot house nights (if not just show up at the door, the events are never sold out so they’ll probably just let you sneak in). Smuggling drugs into a big club can be a scary experience but there’s no need to worry.

Don’t tell anyone I told you this, but drugs are so good for club business that bouncers have been told to let everyone in, whatever they’re carrying. If security’s giving you trouble, just wink slowly and obviously and motion to where you’re hiding your stuff – they’ll know to leave you alone after that.

Taking it

So you’ve made it in. Now the fun begins. It’s good to have something to wash your MD down with, so order a few double vodkas from the bar. Next, head into the middle of the dance floor and start alerting the partygoers around you to the fact you’re about to drop for the first time.

Once you’ve got everyone’s attention, get out all the stuff you’ve got and neck it. Be sure to lick around the packet afterwards. Don’t give dosage too much thought, everyone knows more MD = more fun.

Coming up and enjoying the party

It's totally acceptable to take your top off to show everyone you're having a good time.

It’s totally acceptable to take your top off to show everyone you’re having a good time

Every Mandy veteran knows the golden rule of coming up – if you don’t feel anything within 30 minutes, get yourself some more MD. After that half-hour mark, if you don’t feel completely waved you can be sure you haven’t taken enough and should start to panic.

Get a few shots to calm your nerves and head outside to the smokers’ area. Ask anyone and everyone if they’ve got any. If you’re really desperate give the toilet attendent a go, he can probably sell you a bit of powder to snort off the loo seat.

Now, finally, you should start to feel something. Before shit gets too crazy, stock up on a few tinnies from the bar – they’ll help to keep you hydrated later on. As the buzz starts to kick in, make sure to tell all your fellow ravers in the vicinity exactly how fucking good you’re feeling, they’re bound to be interested. You’ll also get an urge to touch up strangers, which is something you should definitely do. There are no rules about respecting personal space when you’re pinging.

If you notice your heart beating irregularly or feel uncomfortably hot don’t worry, this is perfectly normal. Have another drink and keep on enjoying your night. If you get an insatiable desire to take more MD, indulge that desire. A few grams extra never did anyone any harm.

Coming down

The author, embracing the comedown

Now, everyone gets to the point in the night when they’re not feeling the vibes anymore, in the drug-taking business we call this a “comedown”. When this happens to you, stop whatever you’re doing, get in a taxi and go. Don’t bother telling your friends, they’ll know your first comedown is something you need to experience alone.

Once you get back, put on something soothing to listen to in the background, like a podcast about child abuse investigations or Jeremy Kyle. If you feel a little bit down in the dumps, a nightcap never goes amiss.

EDITOR’S NOTE: As many commenters have pointed out, this article is satirical. Please do not follow any of the advice in this. The Tab doesn’t condone illegal drug use.