Why clubbing is shit

Students enjoy going out, getting intoxicated, ending up in bins, fountains, street corners, shop roofs and experiencing the legendary Jason Donnervan. Whilst I have no problems with any of these things and wholeheartedly encourage smoking and drinking (I’m not just trying to aggravate stupidly puritanical medical students), I do have a problem with this ridiculous modern obsession: ‘clubbing’.

Clubbing: what’s the point? Photo: Bunker

What does clubbing mean to you – a deranged overindulgent attack on Antarctic seals?  Or going to a nightclub with the idea of getting laid but eventually returning to your room sober, with less money in your pocket, an increased sense of sexual frustration, and someone you find mildly irritating clinging to your arm, making sweeping statements like “you man are just like the one I think I sort of like love the most” (excessively romantic I know). Perhaps this just happens to me, and I end up with the world’s most awful people, but hear me out.

It’s expensive. The cost of your ticket on average is about five pounds. Take into account your “pre-drinks” where a large bottle of red wine costs about six pounds. Then, regardless of the fact that you planned this night on a low budget, you buy drinks in the club; two double shots amounting to five pounds. Then take the taxi ride back to home; three pounds. And then of course, there is Mr Reliable; Jason, as I call him. He will supply your meaty wants and desires, amounting to about four pounds. This comes to around twenty three quid of your hard-saved cash being spent in one relatively “ok” night (you are fooling yourself in saying that every night out is fantastic). You could take all of that money and spend it all on booze in a shady pub down the road, but for some reason you spend it in a club, where the world’s worst people smother the dance floor with perverted dance moves.

This place…a cesspit

Secondly, most of you do not actually like dancing to music and those who do cannot dance. Most people hit the dance floor with terrible “moves” that would terrify the nearest sober and sound person. Most men aggressively go up and down on their toes, with their hand waving to the “sweet bass drop” in the most sexually provocative manner. You look as if you’re pleasuring another man’s genitalia.

Most of you do not like dancing; the only reason you go through with this pointless and barbaric ritual is down to the most basic of human instincts; sexual gratification. Unless you are hot or handsome, charming or flirtatious; you will at most get a kiss with a relatively attractive person. You won’t go home with someone every time you go clubbing, unless you are some of the above.

Thirdly, when you intellectually, emotionally and morally sober up, and realise the current dilemma you are in, you head to the smoking area, where you spend most of your time. Think about it; you are paying the club in question to smoke your own cigarettes in a wet, dingy, urine-smelling environment.

A typical clubbing fan

So instead of going to a club to spend money on something you don’t like doing, speaking to people you find irritating, having to avoid that one odd guy who wanders from table to table not talking, not getting laid when that is the only reason you go out and being forced to smoke your own cigarettes in the dog wet “area” outside, get all of that money together in one massive pile and go to a bar. Speak to people you like speaking to and get more slaughtered while you’re at it. What is not to love?