Everything that has and will ever happen at Yokos

Going to Yokos is a bit like Groundhog Day: regardless of when you go, every night will just be a carbon copy of your last visit.

You can rely on certain things happening time after time, and the chances are that your night may follow a similar pattern to the one below.

Lads discussing whether Nicki Minaj degrades or empowers women

1. There’s a queue.
2. It’s before 12 and all people seem to be doing is lining up just to get a stamp then leaving.
3. Oh look, the queue has moved, but only because one guy decided to go and throw up at the bouncer’s feet while claiming he is definitely sober enough to get in.
4. You’ve made it to the entrance, and can feel the heat coming from inside the country’s largest sweat box.
5. Once you get in you walk like cattle down a long corridor, pretending to get hyped.
6. You hear a 20 minute Kanye West mega mix.
7. Nikki Minaj comes on.
8. You decide you want a drink. Bad choice. You should have started queuing 30 minutes ago. If you’re male at the bar, you’re invisible.
9. If you’re female then it’s also 30 minutes of convincing lad after lad that you don’t want a drink that, no, you will not be going home with them.
10. You’ve finally made it to the bar but an army of blue shirts and beige chinos swarm. The leader demands 25 VKs.
11. You think “why would anyone buy a VK, it’s just a disgusting sugary alchopop.”
12. You finally get served and ask for a VK.
13. “Starships” plays for the second time.

    VK akimbo

14. Right then, over to the dance floor.
15. Oh yeah, the queue for the bar is basically the dance floor.
16. This building is too small.
17. Fuck it, lets push our way into the dance floor.
18. BUT FIRST STRAWPEEDO TEHEHEHEHE.
19. Instant regret but whatever, you looked so cool. Just style it out with a splutter and gag.
20. David Guetta comes on.
21. Oh god, halfway through to the dance floor and you need to be sick.
22. Vom vom vom vom, the toilets are so far oh no…
23. And there it is: you’re the guy who thought he could cope, clearly can’t and just spewed on six people and the floor. But, as ever, the bouncers fail to see it. Result.
24. Time for a squad photo. Despite the cesspool around you the photographer always manages to get a good shot of you in all your sick-stained misery.

    Squad going up

25. A girl tries to walk across the dance floor but is grabbed on the bum or boobs or face or arm or leg or actually anywhere.
26. Then there’s that other guy: the creeper with no game who hangs around behind you for the entire night and thinks subtlety pressing his body into yours will definitely make you want to go home with him.
27. The DJ is absolutely, categorically, overwhelmingly shit.
28. You outside for a quick fag. There’s still a queue.
29. This solid 2/10 begs you for a lighter and uses that as an excuse to be your new BFF and follow you around for the rest of the night.
30. You try to get back in and the bouncers have decided you’re too drunk. That’s right: since you walked outside into the fresh air for a break from the sweat box, you’ve blatantly necked another Admiral and got shit-faced in 10 minutes.
31. Screw it, call it a night. The only chick going near your mouth is one from Lip Lickin’.
32. You feel a pang of regret at missing a mash up of Major Lazer’s Lean On with Eminem’s Lose Yourself, which was amazing last time when you were drunk, but actually still, definitely shit.
33. You wake up the next morning to a text saying “Yokos tonight?”.
34. Inexplicably, you find yourself at the back of a queue.