17 ways of saying you go to a northern uni without saying you go to a northern uni
Why does the water taste better up north?
Going to a northern uni can be daunting process for an unwitting southerner to undergo. “Why is this strange person on the train asking how my day has been,” you think, wishing you were back on the tube, staring at your feet.
But when you arrive at uni in Manchester, Newcastle or one of the other many classic northern uni cities, you swiftly realise that the North has so much to offer and is probably just a bit better than the South in almost every way.
Here are 17 ways of saying you go to a northern uni without saying you go to a northern uni:
1. Pints are actually affordable
Pints in the North are often half as expensive as pints in the South and if my maths is correct, that means you can get just as pissed as your southern pals on half the budget.
2. Chips come with cheese AND gravy on them
This may frighten you, but trust me, it’s the best thing in the world. You’ll never go back to your crusty, dry southern chips after you’ve tried this northern delicacy.
3. There are so many weird takeaway options
In Newcastle you can get a chicken parmo, which is essentially a breaded chicken fillet with béchamel sauce and cheese on top.
In Lancashire, you can get a wigan kebab (a pie in a bun) or even get smack barm pey wet. “What in the name of Peter Kay is that?” I hear you ask. It’s a sandwich with deep fried potato covered in salt and vinegar and the juice that comes off mushy peas. Sounds absolutely rank. Tastes incredible.
Basically, northerners like things fried, a bit moist and probs topped with cheese.
4. The nightlife is class
The nightlife is top notch and doesn’t set you back to much. The real pinnacle of your night will be sitting in a Maccies at 3am watching people scrap and throw milkshakes at each other while security tries to get a grip on the situation. Put simply, it’s the stuff of dreams.
5. The locals are actually really friendly
Picture the scene. You’re in Greggs and someone makes a joke before asking how your day’s been. You reply, establish common ground and have a brief chat as pastry crumbs fall onto your jumper. This is the North- a land free of hostile southern silence and the avoidance of eye contact.
6. Greggs is everywhere
You cannot move for Greggs in the North. We even worked out the border between the North and the South by plotting every Greggs on a map.
Manchester has the highest Greggs / people ratio with one Greggs for every 10,500 people in comparison to London where there is one Greggs for every 92,500 people. I know where I’d rather be.
7. Renting doesn’t cost you an arm and a leg
You just do get more bang for your buck when it comes to renting in the North.
8. Student houses in the North are quite good quality
On top of the cheaper rent, you probably have a nicer house than your southern uni mates. While houses in Bristol look pretty from the outside, often they’re really poorly maintained, unlike houses in Leeds for example, where you probs have loads of communal space and almost definitely a basement for house parties.
9. People use the term dinner for lunch and tea for dinner
I mean, it’s weird but it makes sense. When you were at school, who served you your midday meal? Dinnerladies. Seems like an open-and-shut case, if you ask me.
10. North Face jackets are an all-year-round thing because it’s constantly freezing
The real pandemic at northern unis is the uncontrollable spread of the North Face jacket. These massive coats stay on all year round as it’s constantly a bit chilly.
11. Warm Vimto
Cold Vimto is absolutely class and miles better than Ribena, but warm Vimto? Wow. It is something else.
Imagine, you’re walking back from a lecture on a cold day in June. You step inside your house as your southern housemate kindly offers to put the kettle on. They offer you what will inevitably be a piss-poor cup of tea, so you decline and ask for a warm Vimto instead.
As they look at you in absolute horror, you sit back and imagine the taste of sugar and strange chemicals slipping down your throat. Good times.
12. Shit public transport
You will never whinge about the tube again after you’ve experienced public transport in the north. Buses and trains are so expensive and are always late. When you’re in a group it just makes more sense to get a taxi.
13. Taxis home are cheap
Shock. These are also way cheaper on a night out.
14. You’re probs quite close to the countryside
Access to the countryside is really easy from most northern cities allowing you to head to naughty little swimming spot on a summer’s day.
15. The water tastes better
I don’t know what they put in northern water but it tastes so much better than southern water.
15. The accents are class
Yorkshire, Scouse, Geordie, Mancunian- Need I go on? The North has so many great accents to offer, all of which are better than those found in the south. Let’s be realistic.
16. Northerners are fitter than southerners
Yep, the people are definitely more attractive up north. Maybe it has something to do with the accents, maybe it’s the superior water.
17. The slang is mint
Northern slang is so much better than that cockney rhyming nonsense. The long and short of it is if you’ve never had a brew in a ginnel with our kid then you need to give your head a wobble.