You only went to a private school if you can relate to at least 45/49 of these things

Private schools are one of those bizarre institutions we’ve accepted as normal in the UK. But if you’ve ever been on private school TikTok you will know that schools where you pay for education are anything but normal.

In fact they’re mainly just full of posh and rich Tories in training, who actively insist they are not Tories. Ok sure Alexander, we really believe you’re not a Tory with your MacBook Pro, three houses and an ability to recite Latin – you’re 100 percent a man of the people.

Going to a private school is an experience unlike any other and there are a number of things that everyone who went to one can relate to. There’s an insane amount of rules, a bunch of pretentious subjects you study that have no use in the real world and an intense rivalry with the closest private school.

Sharing classes with future prime ministers and paying over £10,000 to attend school on a Saturday is one of the oddest traditions we’ve created. But if you’ve ever spent time studying at one then you will sadly relate to these 49 things:

1. You think “mufti day” is a perfectly normal way to say “non uniform day”, when in fact everyone thinks you’re mad

2. You’ve definitely uttered the words “Oh no, I’m not posh at all”

3. Or “I’m not a Tory, I promise”

4. Or “my parents just wanted the best education for me, that doesn’t make me spoilt”

5. Speaking of your parents, you call them “mummy and daddy” non ironically

6. You think it’s perfectly acceptable for you to have AirPods and the latest MacBook

7. Your mates are called things like Tarquin and Tabitha

8. Your school probably had a pool

9. You watch Wild Child and know exactly what they’re doing with the sticks with the nets (it’s lacrosse btw)

10. You have an in-depth knowledge of hymns and prayers, thanks to years of chapel

11. You’ve legitimately freaked out about losing your hymn book

12. You actually know some Latin, which is incredibly useful in the real world

13. And Classics was a legit subject you could study

14. You would keep your belongings in a wooden desk like something out of St Trinian’s

15. You don’t think you sound like a knob calling PE “games”

16. You’ve been sent to the headmaster’s office for wearing two earrings in one ear

17. Or dying your hair, because self expression was so valued at your school

18. You even went to school on a Saturday

19. You know what a matron is

20. Frequently being told you represent the school on a trip

21. You were always low key jealous of all the normal schools who got to go to theme parks for school trips, whilst you were off to another cathedral

22. There were only like three specific sort of shoes you were allowed to wear

23. You’ve defo seen your school appear in a period drama on TV

24. You had a rival school, and it was honestly some Game of Thrones level competition when you played against them in netball matches

25. And then of course competition between houses was always rife

26. There was always one house that won sports day every year

27. You had to pass an exam to get into your school, so filling out your uni application was nothing

28. Your food was either Michelin star level or rivalled the food Oliver received, and yet it still cost the same

29. Standing up whenever a teacher came into the room was honestly exhausting

30. At some point in your school life you were subjected to wearing a hat as part of your uniform

31. You felt left out at one point when all your mates had signet rings and you were just stuck with a Tiffany ring

32. Your drama teacher definitely thought they were making the next Olivier award winning play with how much pressure there was in the school musical

33. Your school was so small that you knew everyone by name

34. You will have definitely known someone who owned a farm

35. Oh and of course at least two to three houses

36. You know at least one Made in Chelsea cast member

37. Probably because they were a few years above you at school

38. Or a member of royalty is an alumnus of your school

39. You literally have no idea what an inset day is

40. But you are an expert at rolling up your skirt to a length that doesn’t make you look like a nun

41. The idea of having a class bigger than 15 people is mind boggling to you

42. Prize Giving at the end of the year was a big deal and you actually had to go for rehearsals for it

43. You knew who would win the prizes before they were announced because all teachers had favourites

44. There were a number of choirs and orchestras, and it wasn’t social suicide to join them

45. The cafeteria is not a thing in your life, it’s the “dining hall”

46. If you went to a single sex school, the opposite sex was a mystery and were not part of your life until you were 16

47. Unless you were popular and you somehow had loads of guy mates you got off with

48. You genuinely disappointed your parents when you didn’t get into Oxbridge

49. And they wasted all that money for you to end up at Durham

Related stories recommended by this writer:

•You can only call yourself a posh girl if you own these 38 things

•You can only call yourself a posh girl if your bedroom has 31/37 of these things

•You can only call yourself a posh girl if you do at least 47/55 of these things