The 49 things you know if you’ve ever stayed over at a boy’s house

Staying over at a straight male’s house is an experience quite like any other. On the one hand it’s cute, fun and full of great sex. On the other hand, it’s full of crusty towels, saucepans in the bedroom and 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner. And despite boys’ varied personalities, interests and backgrounds, there’s one thing that unites unites them all – a check duvet cover.

No matter what kind of guy you’re getting with or how long you’ve been in the relationship, there are certain things that just happen when you go to stay over at a guy’s house. Their room has a prison like look to it, you panic about how long you’re on the loo for and you always wake up tired.

If you’ve ever spent a night at a guy’s house you will know there are certain stages of the evening that always occur. For instance you spend half an hour on Netflix deciding what to watch before settling on another murder documentary. And of course they can’t cook, so you end up with Dominos’ or Maccies.

These are the 49 things and stages you will know if you’ve ever stayed over at a guy’s house:

1. You’ll spend a good two hours getting ready

2. This includes a long shower – hair wash, scrub and shave

3. And then makeup and hair, but low key makeup so it looks you haven’t put any effort in, when in reality, it’s taken you half an hour to blend your eyeshadow

4. Picking fit chilled clothes, this does not include a grubby t-shirt, but instead a matching sweat suit

5. Packing all the stuff you need for one night into the smallest bag possible so it looks like you’re low maintenance

6. The bag will actually include – five skin care products, 10 make up products, spare undies, spare socks, hair brush, charger etc

7. If you’re at home you may have to sneak out and say you’re staying at a friends

8. If you’re an uni, your mates hype you up about all the dick you’re getting

9. When you get there he’s wearing grey sweatpants, a £60 white T-shirt and sliders

10. His bed either has very dark bedding or that check duvet cover, yeah you know the one

11. Oh and of course he only has that one little pillow

12. After sex you look like you’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards

13. Eye make up smudged and your hair sticking up at every angle

14. Peeing in his bathroom after sex and realising how grim it is

15. Unless it’s his family home and then you’re so thankful his mum knows who Jo Malone is

16. Whenever you go to the loo, you become incredibly conscious of how long you’re in there

17. It suddenly takes you hours to pee, and heaven forbid he thinks you’re going for a shit

18. And then there’s no toilet paper, but he’s obvs left the empty roll

19. He will often not have a bathroom bin, so if you’re on your period you really have to debate where your pads or tampons go

20. You have about three seconds to make this decision and will probably settle on chucking them down the loo and pray it doesn’t clog the toilet

21. And then when you go to wash your hands he’s run out of soap so just filled the bottle with water, so you wash your hands with slush

22. The taps are covered in toothpaste and there is no towel to dry your hands

23. The only takeaway he’s ever heard of is Dominos’

24. And he can literally inhale an entire large pizza, and still be looking for a snack afterwards

25. Or he’ll want to order McDonald’s on UberEats, and I’m sorry but who has the money to spend on a £5 delivery fee?

26. If he offers to cook it will be pasta or pasta

27. They always have a TV in their room

28. With a Play Station as well

29. You guys will spend a good 30 minutes scrolling through Netflix deciding what to watch

30. Before settling on a sitcom you’ve seen before or another serial killer documentary

31. You’re always so thirsty at his, it’s like your body needs new levels of hydration

32. You have to remind him to get you a towel and then you’re handed a towel that has a slightly off smell

33. Getting in the shower and realising you’re gonna have to wash with Lynx or that mint one

34. And then wash your hair with 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner

35. It’s probably the worst shower of your life, thanks to the pink mould and lack of consistent water temperature

36. The bathroom mat will sopping wet and squidgy

37. His room has no sense of lighting, it’s just the overhead bright light which has no lampshade or a dingy lamp

38. If the football has been on that day, and his team lost, he’ll be in a mood

39. It’s always cold, if he’s feeling generous he’ll crank the heating up for five minutes

40. There are protein powder packs everywhere watching you do it

41. As well as an overbearing movie poster, probably Fight Club

42. You will probably have the worst night’s sleep, yet he’ll sleep like a baby

43. And just as you’re nodding off you’re woken up by the sunlight coming through his serial killer curtains

44. You wouldn’t be surprised to find a random piece of kitchen equipment in their bedroom, because of course a baking tray belongs in there

45. There is an attempt to make the room smell nice with an IKEA or Primark diffuser that has lost all it’s scent

46. He’s clearly never heard of Paperchase as the only stationary he posses are the free pens handed out at the Freshers’ Fair

47. He sleeps in until midday and by that time you’ve gone through every app on your phone four times and now your phone is on three per cent

48. Then he takes an extra hour to go through their phone so you’re starving at this point

49. When it’s your time to go home, you get all clingy and don’t want to leave the crusty hell hole that is a boy’s house. And in fact, you’ll be all ready to go back again the next day, why do we do this to ourselves?

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