Confirmed: Riverdale is officially the dumbest thing to ever come out of Netflix
Over 3000 of you voted
A week ago, in the stunned shadow of 365 Days’ release, we asked you: What is the straight up dumbest thing to ever come out of Netflix? The full rundown ripped into everything from shitty Stephen King adaptations, Ibiza murder thrillers with dogs sniffing coke (White Lines) to movies about tall girls (…Tall Girl) to the iconic, unmatched, unrealistic mess that is Gossip Girl. But one thing triumphed above them all, and honestly I could not be more overjoyed in the collective intelligence of this readership for voting so so correctly.
That’s right: Riverdale is officially the dumbest thing to come out of Netflix. It had 952 out of 3,264 votes, 152 more than runner up 365 days (also a worthy contender). But Riverdale takes the cake.
If you asked me to analyse its victory – which you didn’t, but I will anyway – I’d offer this: Riverdale spurned us. Why? Because it started off as genuinely quite good. Like, not something I’d admit on a first date or to anyone I’m trying to impress – but between girls sitting in their uni living rooms just monging out, Riverdale was a banging watch for the first season. It hooked us for a full season and reeled us right back in for a season two when Archie’s DILF baddie daddy was cruelly shot. He obviously survived though because no one in this show ever. fucking. dies.
That’s when it all went wrong. Riverdale then officially tripped (or more like dove head first) and tumbled down the mountain of good storytelling, believable plot lines and average acting, losing all the progress it made in series one. On its way down it hits jagged rock (musical episode) after jagged rock (Archie fights a bear) and gets tumbled up in an awful lot of spiky twigs (Jughead “I’m a weirdo speech”) and bushes (the whole fucking cult farm storyline). Its body now lies motionless at the bottom of the mountain and let’s be honest, the only people still watching are doing it for Charles Melton.
Riverdale made us sit through an evil twin brother storyline (what is it with this show and twins!!!) and literal Gargoyle King. It dipped its toes into supernatural storylines three seasons deep as if that’s okay, while simultaneously managing to offend us with musical episode after musical episode. We’re all going to die and magic is real but let’s dance and sing our way out of it! High school’s *harmonising* craaAaaaaaaAazy am I right fellow students who all conveniently look 26 years old? Yeah – also – HOW ARE WE EVER MEANT TO BELIEVE ARCHIE IS A TEENAGER!? He has the body of a man that’s been chopping wood for ten years. He cannot be 17!!! And don’t even get me STARTED on Jingle Jangle.
It truly, completely baffles me that this show is still going. Is the audience purely 12 year olds now? Do they just not know any better? Or are there some people sticking around to watch Betty’s ponytail outshine her actual show presence (same can be said for Archie’s muscles or Melton’s jawline)? God knows most of us who still have a semblance of sense have given up. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for voting for the right thing. You made a wise choice.
However, lockdown really has dried up the Netflix options so… rewatch?