13 burning questions I have after watching Justin Bieber’s weird new music video

It’s been five years since pop music peaked with the release of Justin Bieber’s third album Purpose. You definitely remember it: What Do You Mean? Sorry, and Love Yourself – three gold-plated bangers so good they made everyone forget what a tool he’d been beforehand.

Since then, everything’s gone to shit: We’ve been through more Prime Ministers than Rihanna’s released albums, World War Three is apparently days away, and now Bieber has returned with this actual turd of a song.

Yummy, and yes it really is called Yummy, is about how much Justin Bieber loves having sex with his lady friend and it is thoroughly rancid. The video dropped over the weekend and it’s been deservedly savaged on Twitter. Having watched it dozens of times I have some very valid questions of my own:

1. First things first. Can we get a consensus on whether or not the pink hair is a vibe?

The Biebs’ lid has always been the most noteworthy thing about him and any boy currently in his early 20s claiming never to have copied it at some point is lying through his goddamn teeth.

But pink hair? Is Justin Bieber an e-boy now? In any case he really wants you to know he has pink hair now because he keeps ruffling it and has coordinated the entire video to match it.

Look, I can’t lie here. I think the pink hair is the best part of the whole video. Long live Pink Biebs.

(Lads would you dye your hair pink? Poll at the bottom pls take x)

2. Do they cut the shots so that Justin doesn’t actually have to sing the chorus all the way through?

Maybe quite a nit-pick here, but you can tell a lot about how reductive and repetitive a chorus is by how willing an artist is to be filmed singing it.

The constant cuts make it look like he’s not singing the word yummy 12 times in a row. It’s like the director is actually embarrassed by the song.

3. Does the lyric about making his toes curl mean it’s about him getting sucked off? Or pegged?

I’ll level with you I’m not looking now but I don’t think I’ve ever heard a guy singing about his toes curling unless it is he’s getting penetrated and you know what if that’s not addressed somewhere on the album we should riot.

4. Cat. Why a cat?

Let him go home he couldn’t have consented to be part of this.

5. Is Justin Bieber still really singing the word ‘litty’ and hitting the woah in 2020?

You probably have a mate who says things like ‘litty’ and dabs ‘ironically’ but Justin Bieber is meant to be pop’s coolest guy. This is a faux pas.

6. Were the tunnel vision close-ups of people eating food necessary?

This whole video almost suggests Biebs is trying to be self-deprecating. This wouldn’t be entirely off-brand for him except his videos have always been quite stylish and sexy so it ends up looking like a reach.

7. Why does his mouth stretch like that?

Pour one out for the editor who had to make that happen.

8. What is the obsession with Lambos and why is it relevant?

Be a fucking man mate and just take your Corsa like everybody else – maybe then you’ll stop using the word ‘yummy’ too.

9. Sorry, but is there any way Justin Bieber leaves the house in his slippers. Is he at uni?

There’s an element of humble-bragging in Biebs’ admission that he doesn’t even put his shoes on to drive his Lambo so that he can have lots of yummy sex with his model wife. Not like you – you don’t have a Lambo, you’re not even having sex, you loser.

10. Is ‘I’m elated that you are my lady’ the least sincere display of affection ever?

Yummy was written by five (5) people, including Bieber himself. Do you reckon it was him, Ashley Boyd, Daniel Hackett, Jason “Poo Bear” Boyd, or Sasha Sitora who came up with that line, and do you think high fives were exchanged afterwards?

11. Why does he change his necklace when it’s time for him to get his hoodie off?

In the first half, Justin’s sporting one of those classic candy necklaces you probably got in party bags when you were six. When it’s time to dance at the end, though, he swaps it for a chonky gold chain because he’s fuggen coooooool man. He’s done a song with Post Malone. Look at his tats oh my lawd.

12. Is ‘you got that yum yum yum’ grosser than the word ‘yummy’ on its own?

Have you ever sent a nude photo to someone and have them reply with the word ‘yum’? It’s honestly vom-inducing. They should have had Biebs wave a pair of red flags while he was ad-libbing that one because CHRIST it’s not on.

13. Justin Bieber is a fairly decent dancer. Why does he dance like a Chad at the end?

It’s hard to pick the worst move on display here: Is it the little march at the start? Or when he spoons imaginary food into his mouth? Or the bit where he fans invisible flames coming from his cock? 

Our friend here wants to have it both ways, you see, he’s game for pink hair because pink can be a boys colour too but at the same time if you think he’s gonna dance like he gives a fuck you have several other things coming. For shame, Biebs.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

• Ranking every disgustingly cringe lyric from Liam Payne’s new album

• Which of The Pussycat Dolls can actually sing? A serious investigation

• I rewatched the first season of Glee and honestly what were these people on?