Three grads are hiring someone to make their breakfast and polish their shoes
The official title is ‘Lifestyle Happiness Manager’
Most people’s dream job would be a high-flying barrister or an all-powerful CEO. For the rare few whose true desire is instead to be a Lifestyle Happiness Manager, then this is your lucky day.
Three young entrepreneurs, as they describe themselves, living and running a business together in central London recently put out an advert on Gumtree looking for someone to fill this very role. The advert has since been removed.
The boys live in a ‘mega flat’ near Old Street and are looking for someone to be there a couple of hours a day taking care of all the bits and bobs they ‘don’t have time to do’ but have a ‘massive effect’ on their quality of lives and happiness.
The grads who work ‘pretty long hours’ every day and at weekends are willing to splash the cash to have such vital needs fulfilled, offering a massive £15 per hour to the lucky jobseeker. This is everything they want out of potential applicants:
They want someone ‘passionate about perfection’
Ultimately, they’re seeking someone ‘passionate about perfection’ and innovative; constantly thinking of ways for the guys to improve their quality of lives and the happiness of those around them. Applicants must be neither lazy nor slack, but must be ‘trustworthy like family’. I’m sure my mother loves me, but there is absolutely no chance of her ‘making juices and bringing them to the office’ for me.
The flat has a cleaner, but you might be expected to ‘muck in’
Thankfully, the flat is cleaned four times a week, so you can gladly put away your Vanish and Domestos. They also have a dry-cleaners and someone to help with all the washing in the flat, but would require their Happiness Manager not to be afraid to ‘muck in’ with tidying when it isn’t looking perfect.
You’ll be doing the weekly food shop (and finding new mega foods they like)
Formulating the perfect Ocado basket is a super intense task requiring the upmost concentration and attention to detail. The guys try to be healthy with their food choices, however boast they have a chocolate cupboard even Willy ‘Wonker’ would be proud of.
Staying on the look out for new ‘mega’ foods sounds equally as taxing. Jackfruit Pieces in Salted Water from Waitrose? Going straight in my basket.
You’ll have to wake them up in the morning with a healthy and happy start to the day
Not quite sure what waking someone up in a ‘healthy’ manner entails. Do you bounce an exercise ball off their head? Or pull them up and out of bed using a GraceFitUK resistance band?
You’re in charge of making breakfast two to three times a week
They specifically request ‘poached eggs, avocado, smoked salmon and all that jazz’. It’s the simple things in life.
Managing, paying and helping the cleaner with anything that she needs
Helping the cleaner with ‘anything’ she needs could entail anything from folding sheets with her or helping her polish the silverware, to helping her realise that men are trash after her boyfriend stands her up for the fourth time that week. Be ready to stay flexible, always.
Thinking of ways the boys can improve the interior design of the flat
The flat is described as ‘lovely’ and ‘an ideal place to spend every morning’, but room for improvement seems to be a constant theme in the eyes of the entrepreneurs. Time to get googling some knock off Jeff Koons statues, and buying self-help books on mastering feng shui. These guys are most definitely not satisfied with the likes of Ikea flat-pack furniture.
Cooking wonderful meals
As if the tri-weekly avocado on toast weren’t enough, you must be able to cook also. And not just cook, but cook wonderfully, presumably from the plethora of healthy and mega new ingredients you have been purchasing throughout the week.
Coordinating the drycleaners
This one requires military precision. Dropping off and picking up laundry on time requires an IQ higher than the rage any of the entrepreneurs would feel if you were to forget to place a hotel chocolate on their Egyptian cotton pillows.
Making sure the bathrooms are stocked with ‘all our favourite and necessary things’
If someone washes their hands in the bathroom and leaves without reeking of jasmine or honeysuckle, you’re doing it wrong. The Lifestyle Happiness Manager must follow all the latest trends in bathroom fragrances.
Looking up fun events and holidays, planning trips
Whether or not the Happiness Lifestyle Manager will be invited to attend these lads’ weekends away is not disclosed.
Setting up our parties, dinner parties, gatherings, anything of this nature
If you miscoordinate your choice of vintage Laurent Perrier with your oysters, things could turn very messy. All you can do is pray the guys won’t notice when the flowers on the centrepiece at the dinner table don’t exactly match the colour of the amuse-bouche.
Changing all the beds
When you’re a budding engineer, every second of your day counts. Even the 15 seconds you could have spent making your own bed in the mornings.
Ordering clothes online and returning clothes
Jamie reveals they would love for the applicant to have style and ‘know the difference between Tom Ford and Tom and Jerry’. I wouldn’t say being aware of this rather obvious difference makes you an up-and-coming Anna Wintour, but good effort from the guys for using antithesis not dissimilar to that we were encouraged to use in GCSE English Language.
Making juices and bringing them to the office
Added points if you manage to add any spirulina or cruciferous vegetables. Alongside bringing juices, can I get you guys anything else? Some snacks? A condom? Let me know! Oh, God love ya.
Cleaning all of the shoes and making them ‘bran spanking’ for every wear
One can only hope this meant to read as brand spanking new. The guys boast to have a serious sneaker collection going on, so and so the Lifestyle Happiness Manager is advised to keep an eye on the latest releases and ‘make sure we’re not missing out’.
…oh and they might get a dog
The never-ending list doesn’t just end here. There is the potential of a ‘little pooch’ being welcomed into the flat, and hence the applicant simply must be dog-friendly and ready and rearing to ‘nanny’ one, alongside all the other requisite attributes.
The application process
The words ‘video interview’ are scarring enough to send shivers down any jobseeker’s spine, be it part of an application for a Clifford Chance internship or a Lifestyle Happiness Manager position.
The luring threat of poor connection; mishearing questions and appearing slow due to buffering, as well as the threat of your mum walking in as you conduct the interview in your bedroom, wearing a shirt and tie on top, but simply boxers on the bottom, is enough to scare almost anyone off.
The applicant is advised to put time into their applications, for ‘this might be the last time you ever do one’, which sounds more sinister than it does encouraging.
Is this all one big joke?
Unfortunately no. You could literally apply to this job until last night when it mysteriously disappeared off Gumtree. Has the ideal Lifestyle Happiness Manager been found? Or have the guys just come to terms with how ridiculous their search for one was.