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Stay with me here, but Wetherspoons is overrated

There are so many better options

The UK is full of really amazing pubs and bars, tailored for everyone's drinking needs. Whether it's a quaint old man pub, glam cocktail bar or a lowkey beer garden, there's literally something for everyone, everywhere.

So can someone please tell me why we always end up in Spoons? For pres, birthdays, nights out, end of year drinks, catch up with your mates from home – it's always Spoons, never anywhere better.

Wetherspoons is the equivalent of a lukewarm glass of tap water next to the other pubs in the UK, and it's baffling how people don't see how overrated it is. Let me tell you why:

There is literally no vibe

What is actually unique about Spoons? Sure it's cheaper than your average pub, but other than that it's offering nothing to the table other than being busy, bland and unpleasant.

The soundtrack of Spoons is drunk people talking and whining, and if there's not many people it's just awkward empty silence, more akin to a funeral than a fun night out.

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Although Wetherspoons are often in traditional old buildings, the decor is generally pretty bleak and depressing. It's only in London where the Spoons are grand, and you shouldn't have to go all the way to the capital to avoid sitting in a Spoons that's so grim it looks like it's straight out of Peep Show.

There are never any seats

What's worse than going to a Spoons? Going to a Spoons that has no seats. You'll spend the entire night standing and getting glares from everyone who's been sitting there drinking since 5pm because you're either in their way, or obscuring the view of the rest of the desolate and depressing nightmare.

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There are many other pubs, with many other seats

There is always one weird bloke

Sure, they're everywhere, but a lot of them gravitate towards Spoons. Is it possible to go to a Spoons without an older man trying to buy you a drink at the bar? Probably not. Failing that, other clientele include stressed drunken working professionals who are ready to fight you if you look even a little bit happy.

The food sucks

Oh my god, why do people eat here?

Think of every bland, quintessentially British and poorly presented meal, and voila, you have the Wetherspoons food menu. The food might be cheap but that doesn't make it worth eating. Obviously when the food is that cheap, you have to question that quality.

Predictably, the vegetarian and vegan options are pretty mediocre, with the standard offerings of a veggie burger or veggie pizza, but like with the rest of the menu, nothing that's particularly interesting or appetising.

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Yeah okay

All the food menu does is mirror how bland and boring the pub is – the Spoons menu is nothing in particular, not a burger restaurant, not a pizza place, and not genuine pub grub, it's just boring popular foods, that are fed to people over and over again. Honestly, just eat at home.

Sorry, but pitchers are grim

Pitchers are horrible, watery jugs which are primarily ice and a big fat waste of money.

Wetherspoons refers to its list of pitchers as a "cocktail lounge", which is pretty far from the truth – call them what they are, big jugs of juice with a bit of alcohol.

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Somewhere serving cocktails, atmosphere and pleasant evenings, that isn't a Spoons!

In a pitcher you get 100ml of spirits, and thats for £6, that's the same as two doubles, and it's not better value, particularly considering that your drink is getting steeped in a bleak plastic jug and sitting in stagnant Spoons air.

Not to mention how grim all the flavours are. From the Blue Lagoon, which is a visual of a hangover that no body should risk, to the Monster and vodka pitcher which firstly is not a cocktail, and secondly who would drink this?? The pornstar martini pitcher is offensively disappointing, and it's not even a pornstar martini, because it doesn't have prosecco!!!

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Tim Martin backs Brexit!!!!!

Now I don't want to taint the taste of beer with Brexit bitterness, but the politics surrounding Spoons is too bad to ignore. Tim Martin has been incredibly vocal on Brexit, there's even a whole section of the Spoons website dedicated to 'Tim's Viewpoint', detailing everything he thinks about Brexit.

Tim's viewpoint sees Tim saying: "If there's a no deal Brexit I'll lower the price of beer", and details of 500,000 pro-Brexit beer mats made to go in Wetherspoons – brilliant.

Also, the reason all the drinks at Spoons are so cheap, is because of the low wages Time Martin pays his employees – while he pays above the national minimum wages, he pays below the Real Living Wage, meaning that the wage that Wetherspoons employees are paid is not one that you can feasibly live on.

Finally, Spoons is not a substitute for a proper night out

Stop offering Spoons as a proper alternative to clubbing. The closest Spoons gets to clubbing is a few tables and chairs pushed to the side to create a dance floor, with a crap DJ and abundance of people that you've known since you were four that you don't want to run into. Spoons is an overrated school disco and a depressing pub, not a good night out. End of.

Related stories:

• How much do you really love Wetherspoons? Take this quiz to find out

• I ranked every Spoons drink by value for alcohol to save you money

• We tried the Wetherspoon’s Loop: The ultimate British drinking challenge