The 17 bizarre life lessons I learned from reading Dani Dyer’s book
I don’t even know where to start
Dani Dyer is only 24-years-old and already more successful than any of us will ever be. She won Love Island. She’s the face of a major fashion brand. She has 3.3 million followers on Instagram. She’s Danny Dyer’s daughter. To most people, she is simply “goals.”
And then you look at yourself. Stressed, miserable and most-likely in debt. All you have going for you right now is that leftover Easter chocolate in your cupboard. But what if you could be just like her? What if one day, you looked at your tragic life and wondered: “What would Dani do?”
Aren’t you in luck! Dani Dyer has written a book for that exact purpose. A bible for the Instagram-driven masses. A guide for young women everywhere. For just £16.99, you get nearly 300 pages worth of life advice from the one and only. It’s mostly about her upbringing and how much she loves Jack Fincham (awks), but it’s got some really, really weird life advice on there too.
So yeah, these are the 17 bizarre life lessons I learned from reading Dani Dyer’s book:
1. Don’t drink tap water because the government will use it to kill us all one day (p.15)
Dani once had a History lesson on Cholera and ever since she hasn’t been able to drink tap water. She’s also convinced it’s the way our government will kill us when the day comes. Through tap water. Don’t say she didn’t warn you.
2. Don’t kill cockroaches because they will release their eggs (p.30)
3. Brush your teeth so you don’t get gum disease (p.30)
Dani once worked as a dental nurse, so when she says she’s terrified of gum disease – believe her. She has stared death in the face.
4. Don’t get drunk when you’re 13 years old because you’ll wake up at a building site! (p.47)
??? Well it’s not like that’s not a useful tip ????
5. “Heartaches are like chickenpox – if you have it when you’re young, it’s just itchy but when you’re older it’s horrendous pain!” (p.61)
Basically what Dani is getting at here, is that you should just get a chickenpox vaccination and avoid the disease in the first place. Aka. never talk to a boy again!
6. Don’t spit in the shower ( p.89)
At this point I’m not questioning anything she says.
7. Don’t poo in front of your boyfriend (p.89)
Apparently boundaries are important and all successful relationships last if you don’t poo in front of your boyfriend. Just like her and Jac- oh wait.
8. Do blow dry your eyelashes (p.93)
When you’re already spending £50 to get them filled every two weeks, the last thing you’d want is for them to look greasy. Duh! So Dani recommends washing your fake eyelashes and blow drying them every day to look fresh. Genius.
9. Do ignore Jamie Oliver’s existence because he took hot dogs away from school dinners (p.98)
Well, we all knew that.
10. Do break up with a boy if he looks in the mirror more than you (p.151)
I mean I’d need to find a boy first.
11. Do dump a guy if he keeps asking about your famous dad (p.151)
Imagine having a famous enough dad for this to be a problem. All I get is stupid dad jokes.
12. Dump a guy if he buys you a bath bomb (p.152)
Wait, what? Even a Lush one?
13. If you have a friend who keeps copying your outfits, wear a monster costumer to see if she copies that too! (p.168)
The practical advice this girl has up her sleeve is amazing.
14. Let your mum wax your vagina if she can do it better than you??? (p.203)
No you didn’t read that wrong. Dani’s mum once made her get on all fours after dinner and waxed her entire “nunnie.” Right… Might skip that one.
15. If you’re dealing with bullies and trolls at school, delete Instagram and look at some trees (p.208)
This is so 2019 it hurts.
16. Take painkillers before a night out to survive a whole night in heels (p.220)
Or you could just not wear trainers, but you know. Inject that Nurofen into my veins.
17. “Don’t wear anything that shows your boobs too much” (p.222)
Dani wrote: “Why give everything away like that? There’s no need.” It was all going so well.