The 89 signs you’re actually a massive Tory
40. Playing hockey
Have you been hating the poor and the EU more than usual lately? Or have you realised that inheritance is really fucking great? Has it suddenly dawned on you that you’re completely disillusioned with the left and the Labour Party is an actual shambles?
Well I hate to inform you, but it sounds like you’ve caught a strain of Toryism.
Don’t worry though, in case you’re in denial, here are the 89 concrete signs to help you self-diagnose without wasting the NHS’ very precious and under-funded time.
Basically if you’ve ever caught yourself doing these things, you might just be a massive Tory:
1. When a tip gets automatically added to a restaurant bill, demanding it gets taken off
2. Not giving money to homeless people because ‘they’ll just spend it on drugs.
3. Having more than one house in an affluent area, but really playing it down
4. Moaning about having no money or student loan left, even though you get a monthly allowance from the bank of mum and dad
5. Bringing a car up to uni and it’s one of the following: Mini Cooper, Fiat 500, VW Polo or Golf
6. Being insured on the Land Rover at home
7. Having three dogs. The longer their legs are, the more Tory you are
8. Getting really flustered over the private school vs. public school debate
9. Ordering a Deliveroo at least once a week
10. Getting an Uber rather than the cheaper option of walking or public transport
11. Never being around to attend plans, because you’re always away on holiday
12. Not being afraid to wear garish socks
13. Having a bolthole in London, which will become your flat after graduating
14. Finding it baffling when people spend Christmas in pyjamas
15. Not going to your local uni gym, but a David Lloyd or Nuffield Health
16. Running half a marathon for charity
17. Volunteering in “Africa” (never specifying the country) and having the photos to prove it
18. Having a double-barrel name
19. Calling your parents “mummy” or “daddy” still
20. Having private health care and health insurance
21. Saying “there’s just not enough resource at the moment” when talking about immigration
22. Having good teeth
23. Knowing how to make a really, really good Chilli Con Carne
24. Refusing to drink cheap wine like Echo Falls or anything below a fiver
25. Not “understanding” why everyone likes Lidl so much
26. Going to John Lewis for any home basics
27. Thinking IKEA is overrated
28. Having an Aga in your family home
29. Telling people you’re “not sure” what your dad does, or are extremely vague when people ask
30. Owning a coat with a huge, oversized fur hood
31. Calling everyone by their last name
32. Having at least one friend called Monty or a pet name like Pugs
33. Thinking veganism is cheap and everyone could do it
34. Saying you hate the Tories but quite like BoJo because he’s “a funny guy”
35. Planning your whole autumn around autumn internationals
36. Always drinking branded booze at pre-drinks
37. Always paying for people’s drinks and taxis
38. Having an I.O.U list on your phone of the money people owe you, even if it’s 50p
39. Calling yourself a centrist (it’s not a fucking real thing)
40. Playing hockey
41. Saying the word “rah”
42. Or the word “sick” with a very posh accent
43. Wearing a signet ring
44. Being bought a piece of street wear by your mum in the last year
45. Only smoking rollies because your friends made a comment on how much you spend on cigs a week
46. Immediately shelving any interesting ambitions in favour of something lame like recruitment or a law conversion
47. Never buying anything Own Brand ie. Sainsbury’s basics or Tesco Extra Value
48. Never smoking weed but SMASHING cocaine
49. Trying ales at the bar before buying them
50. None of your Instas are taken in the UK, they’re all glam holiday snaps
51. Having ruddy cheeks
52. Saying you miss the “Dav Cam era”
53. Owning anything from Tommy Hilfiger
54. Owning a Northface puffa jacket
55. Secretly reading Mail Online in the morning
56. Saying something like: “Why should my parents pay inheritance tax when all they do is pay tax throughout their lives”
57. Loving Radio 4
58. Having a secret ski chalet
59. Knowing how to horse ride
60. Having thick luscious hair, both boys and girls
61. Having a big marquee birthday in the summer – everyone was in black tie, there was a dance floor and lots of fairy lights
62. Owning a sports season ticket
63. Doing a ski season
64. Going “inter-railing”, but spending an entire month on the Amalfi Coast
65. Going to the Henley Regatta, Ascot or Twickers every year
66. Not having an overdraft
67. Parents paying off your tuition fees before you started first year
68. Either living in the poshest or grimmest halls
69. Loving the royals
70. Getting a San Pelli in your meal deal
71. Knowing Latin even though it’s a dead language
72. Studying the following: Agriculture, Art History, Classics, Politics, Law or Economics
73. Calling dinner “supper”
74. Always getting birthday cards and presents for everyone you know
75. Having impeccable manners by doing the following: Calling your friend’s visiting parents by their title eg. Mr and Mrs Smith, always making sure you say goodbye and thank you after any event, loving to write thank you cards, never pouring your own drink first, taking the napkin and folding it up on your lap, buttering your bread really weirdly and breaking it up
76. If something is ever wrong with a restaurant order, asking to speak to the manager and demanding a refund
77. Mum or dad making some kind of homemade produce, jam, honey, apple cider, soap yoghurt, chutney, ale, slow gin
78. Thinking family holidays to exotic places are a chore
79. Thinking South East Asia is “overrated” because there are too many Americans there
80. Saying “bloody” a lot
81. Going home for the weekend and coming back with four bags of Waitrose produce
82. Pretending to like Spoons
83. Secretly wanting to repeal the fox-hunting ban because it’s an effective form of pest control
84. Enjoying clay pigeon shooting
85. Always being home by 2am on a night out
86. Loving SkyNews because the Beeb is too left wing
87. Wearing a ring passed down from your grandmother as a necklace
88. Thinking Pizza Express is an exciting place to eat in
89. Actually thinking the Green Belt is good for the environment
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