All the cringe terms you need to stop using this Valentine’s Day or you’ll never find love

Valentines is upon us again, and you know what that means: that some of the cheesiest and most desperate lines imaginable will be used for the sole purpose of getting laid. To avoid spending yet another night crying on a bed of crumpled tissues whilst berating that the ‘friend zone’ you’re convinced exists is preventing you from getting action; we’ve provided you with a non-exhaustive guide to conversing with a potential lover. Enjoy, and may the odds be ever in your favour.

Ballsack

Please no, just no. This word upsets me to a level that if you use it I will chuck you out of my house and block you on all forms of social media. If you want to get back into my good graces you will have to sign a legally binding document promising to never use that word in my presence. Then maybe, just maybe will we be able to rebuild our relationship over email before I trust you with text messages and face to face interaction.

It’s not a particularly sexy word. You’re never going to get away with enchanting your date with a detailed description of your ballsack, but mere mention of this word isn’t offensive enough to warrant a Valentine’s disaster.

Bellend

If you use this word I will make a grumpy cat face and that’s about it. Using this word in the context of discussing someone who is a bellend is fine. That’s socially acceptable. But using it to describe your cock whilst trying to be sexy? Why do I even bother?

Like most university age females, the last image I want put in my mind when I’m into someone is that of prepubescent males. Shut up, you bellend.

Cunt

Sometimes it’s a natural part of dirty talk, but equally some people find this word really insulting. My advice, proceed with caution.

I’m not known for being a prude, and I’m definitely not one to shy away from anything taboo, but there’s something about this word that makes me flinch. Casual or sexual use of this word by any man is just gross, but I can definitely deal with it being used to describe someone who you know I hate, as an outspoken display of support. This V-Day, make your girl happy by reminding her that all the guys that came before you were massive cunts.

Daddy

I have a very conflicting relationship with ‘Daddy’. When I first started hearing hot guys being described as ‘Daddy as fuck’, I found it entirely bizarre and vomit inducing. As a result, I started using this word all the time to describe anything and everything. If a chocolate bar was good, it was a daddy mars bar. If I did nothing but watch Netflix all day, then that particular Tuesday was so daddy.

Occasionally, I may have even been guilty of referring to particularly attractive males as being ‘a bit daddy’. Like with all words that enter our vocabulary ironically, this eventually became such a commonly used word that it no longer was ironic. I’m a daddy convert, but try and keep it humorous. I’m open minded, but I draw the line at incest.

Darlin’ vs Darling

This one is a bit complex, on the one hand there’s something quite nice about being called darling if it’s someone you know and like. On the other hand, when some guy screams alright darlin! at you from a white van it fills me with a fury that makes me want to rip their balls off. It’s all in the context, if you’re being pervy in the most unwelcome and aggressive way possible then I will bite your head off. If not, then we’re fine.

 That single letter is the difference between being the affectionate and caring man that my Mother dreamt I’d end up with, and being the leery van driver who once asked me to show him where I ‘pissed from’. Be careful out there, boys.

Fanny

Please can we excise this word from the Oxford English Dictionary and retire it from the current vernacular. This is one of the most vomit inducing description of genitals in existence (even more than the word genitals, which is quite something). Do I look like I want someone with the mental age of an eight year old screaming “fanny!” for shits and gigs? Better luck next time babe

Fanny is that kindly old woman in Enid Blyton-esque novels, who would bake for you and ensure that you were never without lashings of ginger beer. No matter how moist her cakes are, Fanny is not what I want between my legs. Never use this unless you’re reading said Blyton-esque novels aloud in the attempt to show your sensitive side on a V-Day date, and even then, prepare yourself to be dumped for being the boy who dared to read the Faraway Tree to get a girl in the mood.

Fingerbanging/bang in general

It just sounds like you think vigorously shoving your finger in and out of my vagina while bashing my cervix is the ultimate sign of sexual prowess. No woman ever orgasmed from this technique, I wonder why?

Please don’t make me think of loud noises, bombs, and that one irritating Jessie-J/Ariana Grande/Nicki Minaj collaboration when you’re trying to get me in the mood. Please.

Love

If you are a little old northern granny this is charming and endearing. If you are a 20 something straight male trying to get some then it’s really not. 

I’m cynical enough about love already, so to be referred to as ‘love’ by anyone immediately makes me want to take a pitchfork to my rectum. It’s patronising, old-fashioned in the worst kind of way, and is a sure-fire way to never see me again. ‘Lovely’ I can get onboard with, but ‘Love’? Fuck off.

Making love

This is the mark of the sensitive fuckboy. Usually an English student, they will talk about making love to you like it’s some out of body experience that transcends the human condition. Are you high? Not only is this pretty pathetic and needy, it’s just eww. This sentimental bullshit covers up the fact that they a sanctimonious prick who secretly believes he’s god’s gift because he’s so emotional. No thanks, great for someone else I’m sure…probably your hand as you furiously wank into your copy of Catcher in the Rye.

Panties

Hideous, disgusting, and just plain wrong. If you use this, you’re probably the sort of guy who unironically combines a sports vest with a snapback, who will inevitably boast to all his ‘bros’ about the girl who left their ‘panties’ in his room. She left them there because she needed to get out of your presence as fast as possible.

Pussy

For fuck’s sake, I do not have a cat down there. This word is usually learnt by boys whose first interaction with a vagina is through a screen. And let me tell you, we know where you learnt the phrase ‘I love that pussy’ from, because it’s not from your grandma’s unironic love of cats.

Scrotum

Although I’m not entirely sure this one would come up in the heat of coital passion, for the sake of providing a comprehensive guide to bedroom lingo, it has to be included. Unless you’ve managed to convince me to engage in the most medically thorough and as such, intensely boring, doctor/patient roleplay, then please don’t use this word.

Shag

The fact that this word is a synonym for both a kind of rug and a sea bird is not an encouraging start. Unless you’re coming up with an original nickname for everyone’s favourite Scooby-Doo stoner, using this word will only make me cringe at the thought of your stale beer scented tongue aggressively jamming my airways.

Willy

You know what I’m going to say, you should know better. Everyone knows that this is a term used exclusively by little boys under the age of seven. Which is fine, it’s fairly inoffensive. But use it in a sexual context and I will assume that there is some Oedipal shit going on and get the hell out of there.