Emailing my lecturer at 3am and other academic red flags

Welcome to exam season. The last of your student loan is drying up, you’ve seen the library staff more than your flatmates or actual friends, and you have not set foot in the Union for months. It’s dark times like these that I truly thank god for the Fraser building bake sales, and the promise of a pint after the last exam.

However, it is also times like these when you really start to notice the worst in other people. We’ve compiled a not at all definitive list of 14 absolute worst academic red flags that you should watch out for, and avoid committing at all costs…

Emailing the lecturer at 3am

Coming in strong at number one. I am guilty of this for sure. It is imperative that you do not let your lecturer know that you’re ruining your sleep schedule. They will begin to understand that the reason you never show up to your 9ams is because you are tucked up in bed.

Sending a follow up email at 10am

“Why have you not responded??” Because they’ve been asleep. As you should have been. I do not think their priority was responding to your “Why is my grade so low :(” email. They’ve got their own lives – adult lives that we uni students could not even begin to comprehend.

Loudly talking in the library

As much as I am sure your thoughts on Plato will enlighten us all, it is also 11pm on floor 10 and some of us have exams very soon. I beg you to be quiet. Also stop eating dirty prawn cocktail crisps in the booth next to me in the library. You’re disgusting x

Crashing out to your advisor over email

Stop. They do not need to know about your breakup or that your flatmate keeps leaving the dishes and using your special kewpi mayo or that you’ve had a bad reaction to Korean skincare. This is all trivial I fear.

Talking in lectures

Shut up I am trying to learn. However, my favourite Uni moment is when my Number One Opp got loudly told off by the lecturer for yapping too loudly behind me. Ha ha ha. I win again.

Not politely laughing at the lecturer’s jokes

Okay, so they are definately not Kevin Bridges level funny, no, but pity laughs are expected. It’s a hard life being an academic to hungover teenagers, the least they deserve is a polite grimace after they make a joke about the Russian Revolution.

As a side beige flag, not saying goodbye to the library staff when you leave at 2am. I’m sure you’re tired and terrified about that project due in 20 hours, but they’re just trying their best.

Using AI for all of your work

Stinky. I know it might feel so convenient and your degree is so hard, but nobody wants to read your AI-slop essay. What’s the point of spending nine grand every year if you’re not even going to read the material?

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Loitering by the vending machine for ages so I feel judged when I return for my second Wispa in an hour

Maybe this is a bit specific, or maybe I need to stop spending my entire student loan on the library vending machines, who is to say? But there are only so many options in the vending machine so I do not understand how it can take anyone over ten minutes to decide if they want coke or diet coke. Just pick one. They’re all £2.50!

Never doing the seminar reading

Why did you even bother getting out of bed if you were just going to stare blankly at me when I ask what your thoughts were? I’m not asking for your thesis on the topic; I just want to know if you drew the same shaky conclusions as me, who read the handout ten minutes before the seminar started.

Shitting on other degrees

Not cool man. This is for those who shit on humanities as a STEM student, or shit on STEM students as a humanities student. Yes, STEM students are lucky they never have to write 3000 word essays comparing two different and completely unrelated ancient texts, but humanities students don’t have to wear a lab coat. Count yourselves lucky that your shine can never be dulled by unnameable fluids and chemicals.

Comp Sci students

Sorry. Yuck. (don’t read too deeply into the previous rule, it does have exceptions).

Eating a cheese and onion toastie anywhere on campus

Maybe this is targeted, but maybe you should refrain from eating onion in a public setting.

Leaving your bags on a library seat then leaving for hours

I understand the desire for a sweet treat run, but this is just selfish. I know you’re not coming back anytime soon so gimme your seat. My legs hurt.

Filling out the university withdrawal form and never sending it in

And finally, the worst sin to commit during exam season and ultimate academic red flag. If you’re going to make a rash decision, at least commit. Or if you’re feeling impulsive and want to slightly ruin your life, just text your situationship that you miss them and want to talk about ‘Something Serious’. Success not guaranteed.