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St. Paddy’s Day! This is your survival guide to the only day of the year when the Billy B is emptier than your bank account after a night at Jimmy’s. While reading this may risk a 10 per cent drop in your next Turnitin score, it guarantees 100 per cent success in your Gaelic craic. The dress code: A neon green wig that is considered “eccentric” on the Bailey, but in Newcastle, it’s practically formal wear.

Consider your weekly pilgrimage to Babs a warm-up. You’ll need those elite weaving skills when Newcastle’s Times Square hits peak capacity, or when the Thridges floor becomes a tactical assault course. We can’t promise you’ll stay dry, but this guide WILL give you the luck of the Irish this St. Paddy’s.

The only ‘first’ you’ll get this term: Splitting the G

That face says it all: Absolute. Bottler.

It comes as no surprise that having a pint of the Irish holy grail comes at the top of this list, but it also means perfecting your G split. As Durham students, we only come top, so don’t let yourself down by not getting that impeccable position on the pint glass.

Think of it as your practical exam in the Swan. One sip to rule them all. You tilt the glass, pray to St. Patrick, and swallow exactly enough to leave the foam cutting through the Guinness logo like a 2:2 student cutting through a crowd at Babs.

FiXR those tickets and potential migration to Newcastle Station

It’s a cruel irony, really: An app named FiXR for a night that ensures our lives are in absolute shambles by midnight.

Booking those tickets now is the only way to avoid the ultimate St. Paddy’s nightmare: Being marooned at a mediocre flat pres with no escape. If you’re destined to end the night at a 5:00am afters, nodding along to a “transformative” gap-yah story, you might as well do it in Newcastle; Tropiloco is calling.

Or, if you’d rather not risk begging for a sofa to crash on in Jesmond, stay local and get jinky at The Loft. Jinky Sounds will be bringing the bass…just make sure you’ve peaked before that inevitable 2:00am lights-up.

But don’t be the cautionary tale of the night, wherever you are, keep up that BNOC status and order as many rounds of baby Guinness as possible. Let’s be real, you’re not making it to that Wednesday 9am.

A fate worse than North Road past 6pm: Being the only person not wearing green

No, gripping a Sour Apple BuzzBallz doesn’t count as a costume, but yes, it is absolutely necessary equipment. Before the chaos kicks off, make sure you pop to the market place Tesco Express for that legendary three for four deal; it’s the only financial decision you’ll make all day that won’t leave you crying into your overdraft by Monday (but that only means you’ve done it right).

Raid the charity shops on North Road for a vintage emerald blazer that smells like your nan’s loft but looks like a Paddy’s win. Or if that fails, maybe your flatmate’s laundry pile will have that one lime-green sports top they haven’t washed since Freshers’, a biohazard, sure, but a festive one. It doesn’t matter; just be prepared never to see it again.

Ancestry.com who? How to convince the bouncer you’re 1/16th Irish

Get that Spotify up and download the first St. Paddy’s playlist you find. Bonus points if its got Galway Girl by Ed Sheeran, you’re onto a winner. Our Ed never lets us down, ultimate ball knowledge.

Dust off the imaginary fiddle and warm those digits up on cardiac hill to avoid a cardiac arrest in the middle of Loft. Seriously, you need to memorize at least one Irish banger before the big day, it’s only respect. So, ditch the frantic miming and the paranoid glances, put your headphone in and full-send it. By hour four, your vision should be so blurred you’ll think Jimmy Woodgate’s is a five-star Michelin restaurant.

Forget the Irish charm, onto the Irish goodbye

Now, if you’re going to have any luck hitting up a least a handful of pubs you must master the art of an Irish goodbye.

Hazard: Getting stuck in a 20-minute “I love Ireland” conversation with a guy from Surrey.

One minute you’re aggressively nodding along to a story you can’t hear over the music in O’Brien’s, and the next, gone without a trace. As soon as you hear the opening bars of Come On Eileen, it’s the ultimate two-minute warning, the musical equivalent of a flare being fired into the night sky.

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If you’re ghosting the Guinness

If you do decide to partake (you should be if you got this far), but take the sober route there is actually no greater move than pulling a Master-Level Irish Goodbye at midnight and getting a full eight hours of sleep. You in fact also get front row seats to the greatest unscripted comedy show of the year.

Don’t feel left out and if the pressure does feel heavy, remember the stealth move, nobody actually knows what’s in your glass. Lemonade looks like gin, coke looks like rum. The only pressure you should feel on St. Paddy’s is the pressure to find a kebab shop that isn’t a forty-minute wait because that is a necessity.

The pocket-sized pro: Why your gimp suit needs a snack strategy

Forget the luck of the Irish, you need the luck of the Lined Stomach. Urban Oven is the finish line, but carbs are your shield. Fail to prepare, and prepare to be a 9 pm Cinderella.

Phase one of the operation: The Industrial Breakfast. For those currently surviving on catered food, this is your moment to shine. We want the lovely dinner ladies to give you genuine looks of concern as you head back for thirds of those questionable sausages. Otherwise, a Spoons breakfast will for sure do the trick, friendly for the stomach and the budget.

Especially if you’re taking on St. Paddy’s day-drinking, going without a snack plan is reputational damage. You need to be as ready as a marathon runner, but instead of fancy gels, we’re talking emergency pocket biscuits and go-ahead bars. Stuff your pockets with anything carb-heavy that can survive a mosh pit.

However, choose your rations wisely. Avoiding anything too chocolate-covered at all costs; otherwise, your green gimp costume is going to end up with some very poorly-placed brown stains that even the cheeriest of Irishmen won’t explain away to the bouncer.

Baby proofing that damn phone: don’t lose your dignity.

On a normal night out, your phone is already hanging on by a thread, but on the 17th that risk multiplies exponentially. Suddenly, the urge to facetime your toxic ex feels like a great idea, and before you know it, you’re one tap away from sending something deeply concerning to the family group chat. For the sake of your dignity (and your relationship with your mum), the safest plan of action is to block your social media from 4 pm onwards.

And while you’re at it block your ex too, although realistically, that probably should’ve happened a long time ago.

Be honest ‘go with the flow’ never ends well

A game plan is a must. I know it’s easy to just “see how it goes”, but that’s exactly how you end up three pubs deep at 2pm with no idea where your friends are and £4 left in your bank account.

Have a rough idea of where you want to go, what time you’re starting, and when you’ll stop for a bite to eat. It’s also worth deciding how you’ll find each other when (not if) someone inevitably gets lost along the way. Look after each other and remember: No soldier left behind. A portable charger, a bit of emergency cash, and the occasional break are all very solid ideas. The goal is to minimise the Wednesday morning anxiety, and, ideally, make it to Wednesday morning in the first place.

Damage control

Last but not least, do your future self a favour and prep for the hangover before you even head out. Make sure the fridge is stocked with the essentials: Lucozade, coconut water, and a solid line-up of snacks for when you inevitably wake up feeling slightly fragile with the inability to actually prepare yourself some dinner (you wont be rising until at least 3pm) . If you’re really thinking ahead, grab a Tesco meal deal and leave it waiting for you in the fridge, arguably the ultimate hangover cure. Trust me, when Wednesday morning rolls around and moving feels like a personal challenge, you’ll be incredibly grateful that you had the foresight to prepare.

This guide is not here to intimate, but to inspire you to have the best St. Paddy’s possible. Forget that 9am or the lock in you had planned at the Billy B.

St Paddy’s in Durham or Newcastle is a marathon, not a sprint. Pace yourself, plan your route, and remember that a well-timed chip stop can genuinely save lives. Drink some water, keep track of your mates, and embrace the chaos; it only comes around once a year.

Most importantly, make the memories (the ones you can actually remember), wear far too much green, and enjoy one of the most iconic days university has to offer.

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