A definitive ranking of exactly which Glasgow Uni societies would survive the apocalypse

Picture this: it’s 2am in the Boyd Orr, the lights flicker, and someone swears they just saw a Victorian child in the stairwell. Half the uni thinks it’s a prank, the other half starts a group chat called “Haunted Campus x.” But if things really went south, which Glasgow Uni society would make it out alive?

I’ve done the very scientific research (read: Half an hour on the SRC clubs list and a lot of Red Bull) to find out who’s surviving the sequel and who’s getting jump-scared before the opening credits.

Medico-Chirurgical Society (MedChir)

Survival rating: 10/10 — main character energy

These people could amputate a leg with one hand and hold a pint with the other. When the monster attacks, they’re not running — they’re diagnosing. “It’s giving necrotic tissue.” They’ll make it through every round, somehow still in scrubs, covered in blood (but not theirs), and giving CPR to the killer.

Feminist Society

Survival rating: 8/10 — final girl vibes

The Feminist Society doesn’t just survive; they unionise against the ghost. They’ll set boundaries, form a committee, and release a statement condemning the monster’s behaviour. “Not all hauntings!” will not fly here.

By the third act, the ghost would apologise and enrol in a gender studies course.

Nintendo Society

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Survival rating: 7/10 — lives by the controller, dies by the controller

Years of Mario Kart have honed their reflexes to perfection. Chainsaw-wielding maniac? They’ll dodge like a pro. Problem is, half the group will stop to argue about whether Luigi or Bowser would survive longer, and that’s when the lights go out.

Unfortunately, when the killer strikes, they’ll try to pause the scene — forgetting this isn’t a game. Respawning: Unavailable.

Cheese Society

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Survival rating: 5/10 — delicious but doomed

The vibes are immaculate. Candles, brie, a nice glass of red. It’s all fun and fondue until someone drops the manchego and realises the cheese knife’s missing. The killer walks in, slips on a cracker, and they get a 30-second head start…before tripping over their own breadsticks.

American and British Society

Survival rating: 9.5/10

Think Americans abroad spotting a pickpocketer — but make it paranormal. The second the lights flicker in Boyd Orr, the Americans are already on edge, whispering “something’s not right” and forming a security perimeter with iPhones as flashlights. The Brits, meanwhile, insist it’s “just dodgy wiring” and carry on discussing meal deals like nothing’s happening.

Then the ghost appears. The Americans immediately launch into crisis mode — one yelling “CODE RED!,” another trying to FaceTime campus security. The Brits respond with their usual stoic disbelief, muttering “we’ve survived worse — like the housing crisis.”

Eventually, they join forces: The Americans bark commands like it’s a military drill, while the Brits dryly offer commentary and hold the door open with a sarcastic, “After you, General.”

They do survive — barely — thanks to a blend of American overreaction and British underreaction. But not before the Americans leave a one-star TripAdvisor review: “Beautiful campus, slightly haunted. Would not recommend after dark.” The Brits? They just shrug and post, “typical Glasgow weather.”

Taylor Swift Society

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Survival rating: 6/10 —  soundtracked to perfection

They’d definitely be the ones singing I Did Something Bad while fighting off the demon with glitter and red lipstick. Their downfall? Turning the chase scene into a TikTok trend called #HauntedButHot.

GUU/QMU

Survival rating: variable — depends who’s on shift

GUU would go down in a blaze of chaos — someone would try to fight the demon with a VK bottle. QMU would host a vigil gig featuring an acoustic ghost. Neither make it to sunrise, but the vibes are unmatched.

 Glasgow Flower Garden

Survival rating: 6.5/10 — almost survives, dies saving a plant

They were doing fine until someone tried to rescue a Monstera from the burning kitchen. RIP, but ethically sourced.

Dialectic Society

Survival rating: 3/10 — killed mid-sentence

The ghost doesn’t even need to try. It just has to whisper “Point of information?” and they self-destruct. Someone will insist on discussing the moral implications of killing the killer, and that’s the end of that.

Shrek Society

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Survival rating: 10/10 — chaotic good

“Get out of my swamp!” becomes the war cry that saves them all. Ogres stick together. The power of friendship, onions, and questionable karaoke gets them through the night.

Business Club

Survival rating: 1/10 — first to die

They tried to network with the monster. They even pitched it a LinkedIn collaboration: “Could you tell us more about your…career in haunting?” Gone before the second act.

Final verdict

Winners: MedChir and ShrekSoc because they’ve got sense, skills, tunes, and snacks.

Losers: Business Club — perished networking.

Most likely to get a Netflix spin-off: American and British Society, and Cheese Society.