Ranked: Durham colleges on likelihood to survive a zombie apocalypse

Although Durham seems like an unlikely epicentre for a world-ending zombie epidemic, a city filled with students deprived of sleep, operating on red bull and Urban Oven pizza could frequently be mistaken for being so. Therefore, it’s important to see which college would be most likely to come out unscathed.

17. St. Aidan’s

Apologies to the good students of St. Aidan’s college, but a college known for its friendliness and welcoming attitude does not seem like the best when repelling the zombie hoards. The most a student from Aidan’s can hope is that the zombies, like most Durham students, are too lazy to take the stairs.

16. St John’s College

Like with Aidan’s, the values of St. John’s seem unlikely to be able to repel a Zombie attack. They just pip Aidan’s to the post in survivability, as they are slightly more likely to receive divine intervention – however, if zombies are on the prowl, it seems like that miracle might a bit late.

15. St. Chad’s College

At the end of the day, surviving zombies is a numbers game – something which the smallest College in Durham is ill-equipped for. Likewise, a glass conservatory in its entrance is not likely to be the best hiding spot. The best hope Chad’s has over its enemies is plying them with Disco water and good vibes.

14. Van Mildert College

I’m already half convinced that there may be zombies hiding in that lake at night anyway. Not to mention, their bright yellow college symbols aren’t the best for sneaking away from undead.

13. St Cuthbert’s Society

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I have never met anyone from Cuth’s who hasn’t intimidated me with academic ability. So therefore, I’m assuming the zombies will be driven there for top quality brains. However, the confusion about where Prison Cuth’s actually is may buy students there some more time.

12. Hatfield College

Zombies aren’t particularly intimidated by skinny scarves, Daddy’s money, or a Hatfielder’s ability to work their way through multiple “Ticklers” in an evening. However, if it happened to a be a snowy day in Durham, I know who I’d trust to ski away down Durham’s many hills from the zombie hoards.

11. Josephine Butler College

Whilst the upper ground Josephine Butler can claim with the Mound is impressive, not to mention their strong community spirit that is always on show during their College Bops in JBs, I fear the days of the JB students are numbered once the zombies get through the Botanical gardens.

10. Stephenson College

Has the same benefit of the mound, however once Josephine Butler is taken, I fear Stephenson must be next to go. Not even zombies are immune to the charms of the fairy lights in Stephenson bar.

9. South College

It would take a zombie a long time to get there. Although the deserted South college at night feels like a fitting location for an eery attack.

8. Trevelyan College

I have never understood how to navigate Trevelyan’s hexagonal campus, even as moderately brained individual, so I doubt a zombie can.

7. St Mary’s College

The sprawling campus and bunker-style bar I believe would play in favour for the Mary’s student. Not to mention the training any good Mary’s student has participating in the Mary’s challenge – they’re hardened and ready for battle.

6. University College

I don’t see the Medieval and horror aesthetics mixing particularly well, but they do occupy a medieval fortress base. So, assuming that zombie attacks and Norman rebellions function similarly, they have a good shot of survival.

5. Ustinov College

Brains may also prove an issue for the postgrad students, however, with great age comes great wisdom. Ustinov, in all its mystique, may be guarding the secrets of evading an undead terror.

4. College of St. Hild and St. Bede

Older students of St. Hild and St. Bede have had their battle spirits strengthened by not only community spirit (found as it is located neither on the hill, nor the Bailey) but also by asbestos.

3. John Snow College

Under the radar, cool, calm and collected, a John Snow student has a fair chance of survival. Their college is literally snow themed.

2. Collingwood College

Some may argue that the well-known sporting accomplishment of a Collingwood student should result in them being the top of this list. But this article, much like a zombie apocalypse, is unpredictable. Never underestimate the power of an underdog.

1. Grey College

Grey College students participated in a college wide Hunger Games barely two months ago – their students are battle ready and committed. They are perfectly located to escape the zombie threat – be it located in the Hill or the Bailey. Plus, they are evasive due to the “Grey nature’” -and have underrated cardio prowess getting up Grey hill every day. Thus, they emerge as the unlikely survivors.