Feuding with Flatmates: A Tongue in Cheek Guide

So you’re at university – you’re living with people that aren’t your parents, probably for the first time. But what if you don’t get on so well?

15 years ago

An Admin | Guides

So you're at university – you're living with people that aren't your parents, probably for the first time. But what if you don't get on so well?

So far, I've been lucky, and there's been no major fall-outs (touch wood) – but there have been occasional disagreements. They've been sorted out fairly easily, with barely a sniff of righteous vengeance.

But sometimes things can't be sorted out that easily, and as Ghandi never actually said, revenge is the best policy. Maybe you aren't getting along so well, and you want to make a certain flatmate's life not quite a misery, but just slightly worse.

Well, as Thomas Gray wrote in his 1742 poem 'Ode on a Distant Prospect at Eton College' (you don't get this kind of knowledge at every news site), ignorance is bliss. So taking his words of wisdom into consideration, you can just ignore your flatmate.

From simply walking past in the morning without acknowledging them (a sly shoulder barge works wonders) to disregarding direct questions or requests ("Can you pass me the bottle opener? Oi. Oi!"), playing dumb is a petty but infuriating way to not respond to your flatmate.

Also if you actually manage to block out the sound of their voice you may never be annoyed at them again. However, this technique does run the risk of objects being thrown at you, ostensibly to gain your attention, but really as a form of revenge. So if ignoring your flatmate just isn't enough, maybe it's time to move to the next level, which is…

Sabotage. It's not just the Beastie Boys' favoured plan of action (apart from fighting for their right to party), but one that can drive your flatmate round the bend. If you play your cards right, and are stealthy enough, they won't even be able to prove it was you. From putting prawns in the hollow interior of a curtain pole, and waiting for them to smell; to pouring milk on someone's carpet, and er, waiting for it to smell – there's a wide range of inspiration in the fridge for the crafty saboteur.

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However, the foulest tale of revenge I've ever come across is as follows. Flatmate A hollowed out Flatmate B's tub of margarine. He then, to put none too fine a point on it, shat in the cavity. After this dirty deed, he then replaced the margarine over the top, put the lid back on, and then restored the tub to its place in the fridge. Revenge is a dish best served refrigerated.

Other miscellaneous ways to irritate and/or scare your flatmates:

– Stand really close to them. This works especially well when they want to go to the toilet.

– Turn everything they say into an innuendo, and then wink.

– Ask to borrow their underwear, and say it doesn't matter "if it's a bit sweaty". This works even better if they're the opposite gender.

– Tell them they look really nice in the shower.

– Whenever they begin to speak, press your finger to their lips and whisper "Shhhhhhhh…".

– If they pick something up, smack it out of their hands.

– Go into their room and lay in their bed until they return. Or even before they get out of it.

And of course, there's always the option of violence. (NB: The Drop does not condone violence).

An Admin | Guides

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Feuding with Flatmates: A Tongue in Cheek Guide

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