Ladies, beware the Minus-two Virgin

You have been getting hot and heavy with some stud in a Durham nightspot and decide to take him home. Having successfully made small talk and stayed upright during the journey to chez toi, you zip past the kitchen full of sober housemates to your boudoir, switch on the light, throw all your rejected going-out clothes off your bed and turn around.

In the initial seconds of energy-saving dimness, you look at your new friend. He doesn’t seem quite as fly as he did when his face was two centimetres away in Klute half an hour ago. Hmm. Kissing is surely the remedy to any pre-coital doubts or awkward conversation, so you pull him over to the bed and begin where you left off.

…Except that the kissing also isn’t as enthralling as it was in the club, either. Maybe he is trying to test your gag reflex with his tongue, or is trying to envelope your chin and/or nostrils and give you chapped lips that a clown would envy. He also doesn’t seem too sure about what to do with his hands—they’re resting like limp lettuce on your back or knee. Whatever he’s doing, he won’t take any hints and your mojo is fading fast. You pull away.

In the now sterile brightness, you see with new eyes the excitement; the desperation in his. As your drunken, free-love feelings start to yield to more hypercritical mate-selection faculties, you see that he has some deal-breaker you didn’t notice before (e.g. overgrown nostril hair or a uni-brow). This is bad. Very, very bad. You, my friend, have landed yourself a minus-two virgin.

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A minus-two virgin (or MTV) is a guy who is clearly going to be awkward or disappointing in the sack, as suggested by his poor kissing skills. As the name implies, he may not be a virgin but is almost one, having had only one or two sexual experiences; or perhaps many in which he didn’t really learn anything. The latter is often the case for well-endowed guys who think they have all a woman wants and do not see any point in learning real technique.

Anyway, what should you do in this situation? My advice would be to excuse yourself from the room briefly to assess your situation. Go and chat with the sober people in your kitchen. Have a glass of juice. Ask yourself: is sex with this person going to be worth the potential awkwardness or regret in the morning (or longer, if you have class or are in college with them)? Am I in a charitable or pedagogic mood? Do I have enough shower gel left to scrub off my skin in the shower? If the answer is “no” to any of these, I would suggest that you do one of the following:

a) Bail. Hide under the kitchen table or behind a sofa when he starts looking for you (this requires sympathetic housemates, or you will be forced to hide outside).
b) Make yourself cry and tell him your parakeet died and you want to be alone. Or just make yourself cry– it's usually sufficient.
c) Go back to Klute and find someone to take you back to theirs.
d) Wait twenty minutes and when you come back, declare that you are ready for motherhood. Or that you have diarrhea.
e) Go ahead with it anyway… Who knows, such a risk may have a reward (although an MTV is normally better as a long-term investment than as a quick 'buck').

Girls and guys– comment with any other ways you have managed to rid yourself of an encounter you could not go through with!