Bizarre things that happen on a Welsh night out but literally nowhere else in the world

There’s something quite magical about the sights universally seen across Wales at three o’clock in the morning. The smell of curry sauce in the air, the hen and stag parties either fighting or napping in the bus shelter. Their tiaras and L-plates still intact. Students being kicked out of McDonald’s by bouncers, or the random outbursts of “Wonderwall” echoing down the Wind Street.

These people, these events, make getting pissed in Wales superior to getting pissed anywhere else. Apart from in Newport. Don’t ever go to Newport.

THE LOST MAN, SEPARATED FROM HIS STAG DO, CLINGING TO A RAILING PROBABLY WEARING A SPARKLY PURPLE DRESS

He was three pints deep in Lloyd’s at 11am. For some reason, I don’t think he’ll be getting back into Walkabout.

SOMEONE COMPLAINING THAT IT’S TOO FAR TO WALK TO THE OTHER END OF WIND STREET AND WE REALLY SHOULD JUST GET A CAB
We are quite literally at Varsity what do you want me to do.

A FAMILY MEMBER
Your dad still loves the sesh, let’s be honest. So does Uncle Gareth, that’s Huw who I sat next to in year nine maths and oh my God cousin Gwen I haven’t seen you in ages how goes it?

ACTUAL BOUNCERS IN McDONALD’S GUARDING THE BIG MACS
If we’re honest with ourselves, this probably wouldn’t be necessary if the Valleys boys stayed in Ebbwvale where they belong.

PEOPLE BUYING ROSES FOR ONE ANOTHER AND PRETENDING TO PROPOSE
Romantic, isn’t it, on Queen Street, in the shadow of the castle. The bouncers at Maccy’s throw someone into the Biffa bins. Seagulls swarm his stray chips. You didn’t think your engagement would start like this – but here you are on one knee, plastic rose clenched between your teeth, pink felt cowboy hat perched atop your head.

EVERYBODY IS EATING CHIPS, CHEESE AND CURRY SAUCE AND IF YOU’RE NOT YOU MUST BE SOUTHERN
At every takeaway from Powys to Pembroke, a queue as long as the Great Wall of China forms. They’re ordering the same thing – cheesey chips with curry sauce. Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.

SOME ENGLISH PERSON COMPLAINING ABOUT THE WEATHER
Sorry hun I didn’t realise Surrey was renowned for its arid climate, you’re on the Costa del Cardiff now, get over it.

RANDOM BURSTS OF SINGING IN THE STREET
Hên wlad fy nhadau is bound to come out at some point, and especially some Bryn Fôn if you’re a true gog. “A dyna chi o, yn rebal wicend goiawn”

AND DON’T EVEN GET ME FUCKING STARTED IF A BUSKER STARTS ‘SWEET CAROLINE’
TOUCHING ME, TOUCHING YOU. DUH DUH DUUUUHHH

TWO WELSHMEN IN A SEA OF ENGLISHMEN COMING TOGETHER AND BECOMING BFFs FOR LIFE
Like most capital cities, Cardiff is a crucible of multiculturalism. More often than not, local clubs can be filled with the English, and when you hear that beautiful Welsh accent in the crowd there’s no doubt there’ll be screams of “I LOVE YOU – WHERE YOU FROM BUTT?” It’ll be an immediate friendship.

A FIGHT STARTS OUTSIDE McDONALD’S, PARTICIPANTS CLING ONTO THEIR DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER AND LARGE DRINK FOR DEAR LIFE
I mean we’re in Neath, what did you expect to happen?

PEOPLE GETTING THE KEBABS THEY BOUGHT EARLIER OUT OF THEIR BAGS
The people of North Wales have post-night out food sussed. Instead of getting your grease-fix after the night, why not get it in between the pub and the club? Or keep it in your bag and tuck in to your luke-warm-to-cold delicacy once the lights come on.

They all close at, like, 1am past Aberystwyth anyway – it’s the only option you have. Domino’s? Hahahaha that doesn’t exist what is this Italian dough disc with tomato and cheese on top. Just Eat? Pull the other one.

RANDOM FRIENDLY STRANGERS HAVING A CHAT ON A BENCH LIKE THEY’VE KNOWN EACH OTHER ALL THEIR LIVES
They don’t, but they’re keen to have a conversation and nick a chip. Before you know it, they’ve added each other on Facebook and swapped numbers.

GIRLS WALKING BACK FROM THE CLUB BAREFOOT IN THE RAIN CARRYING THEIR STILETTOS
After hours of dancing in Revs heels are beginning to rub, it’s time to head home. Despite the pouring rain and wet pavements (thanks to the typically excellent Welsh weather) you’ll find girls happily limping back barefoot, clutching their shoes in one hand and hair extensions in the other.

 

THE GALS PILING INTO A MINI BUS HOME
In North Wales, forget about catching a quick £5 taxi home if you want a night out with the gang. You need to organise days in advance, and book a mini bus. £20 each there and back, tidy. It’s a good hour’s drive to any half decent club (I say half decent, they’re shit).

DRUNK FANS ON MATCH DAY ASKING “CAN I HAVE A CHIP MATE? JUST ONE?”
Doesn’t matter where you are in town to watch a belter of a game, you will invariably end up on Chippy Alley. What happens next? A middle aged fan coming up to you and asking for a chip. A tradition as old as time.

AND THE TAXI QUEUE THAT GOES FROM MILL LANE TO THE PRINCE OF WALES ON THE SAME DAY
I am honestly surprised at how orderly the wait for a Dragon home is. The tranquility is palpable.

PEOPLE FORMING A STAMPEDE NOT TOO DISSIMILAR FROM THAT SCENE IN THE LION KING WHERE SIMBA’S DAD DIES TO LIVE LOUNGE IN CARDIFF
NOWHERE ELSE IS OPEN AND THE NIGHT IS NOT OVER, RUN, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES.

AND SOMEONE GETTING “LOST” AS YOU SPRINT PAST FOR YOUR EYES ONLY
Sure you did mate.

LONE VALLEYS BOYS MOPING AROUND ST MARY STREET
Most likely they thought they were going to pull that FITTY in the club, so they told their mates to get in the mini bus without them. Now everywhere is shut they have to wait for the first Arriva home, from Central, around 5ish.

A HUNGRY BALLER HEADING TO CHARLSTON’S FOR A LATE NIGHT STEAK
How are they still open? Idc did someone say deep fried cauliflower

AN ARGUMENT BETWEEN VALLEYS PEOPLE
It will mainly consist of which of their area’s is the roughest, because no one ever knows whether Rhondda or Merthyr is worse.

THE SAME PEOPLE WILL RESOLVE THEIR ARGUMENT AS QUICKLY AS IT STARTED WITH ONE SIMPLE SENTENCE
“Well, at least we’re not from Newport.”