Football will always be better than rugby

The story goes that the ‘sport’ of rugby was born when a schoolboy called William Webb Ellis caught the ball in a game of football and ran towards the opponent’s goal.

Here, one young man’s inability to play and appreciate the beautiful game led him to create a new sport. Instead of sucking it up, and trying to get better, he decided to create his own game, his own rules. Pathetic.

A game that is not only less popular worldwide and requires less technical ability to play, but the surrounding culture is one filled with nauseating ‘banter’ and underwhelming “BRUTAL RUGBY HIT” videos on YouTube.

Rugby was the game at school that had a position for everybody. If you had the genetic fortune to grow quicker than your classmates, you were probably in the team regardless of any other actual skill involved with being good at the sport.

The case may be argued that this is a good thing, that it makes it a more inclusive sport where all children can take part and have a go. But last time I checked, sport was about competition, and that there is pride even in defeat. My younger sister told me the other day that nowadays, everyone at primary school sports days gets a medal if they take part in a race. There are winners and losers in life and if we don’t remind children of this on a daily basis we are in danger of raising a generation of losers. If this point of view troubles you, some activities that don’t involve competition include: sitting in your garden, walking your dog and reading a dictionary.

This isn’t a ‘scrum’, this is a group hug for kids who can’t play proper sports

Universities are where the biological divide between proponents of football and rugby is most apparent. Rugby defines people who play it. It is more a social vehicle than for genuine physical exercise, and the borderline alcoholism of social events shows that ‘rugby people’ are just boring as they’re unable to hold an interesting conversation and instead resolve to drinking until they can’t hear or speak anymore.

If you forgot to bring a big neon sign that says, “I’m a wanker” on it, don’t worry, you can just join your university rugby team.

Girls, there’s a reason there are only keepers in football, you’d only ever have a regretful one night stand with a rugby player. If you disagree, please message me, I’d like to interview you.

Football touches every aspect of our society, in a way that rugby will never be able to. A defining moment for our country was when the England football team hosted the World Cup in 1966 and won it. Granted, professional football has existed for longer than professional rugby, but I’m sure when England host the Rugby World Cup they’ll replicate the home-soil success of the football…oh wait.

Yes lads

I live in Twickenham, the home of English rugby. Even if you disagree with my above points, to have somewhere as lacklustre as this south-west London suburb as the home of your worldwide sport, something is seriously wrong.

However, Twickenham is quite an apt home for rugby. Fans of the game and the residents of Twickenham have a number of things in common. They both dress poorly, have an over-emphasised sense of self-importance, and paradoxically, nobody really cares about them. Rugby and Twickenham are the poster boys for middle-class insignificance.

If any of you hand-egg neanderthals know how to use a keyboard and a mouse, I impatiently wait for a response to this article. Remember to deconstruct my ‘chat’ very thoroughly with lots of complicated words, we wouldn’t want Mummy and Daddy to think that those public school fees went to waste now do we?