What your male haircut says about you

From an early age we have all been told not to judge a book by its cover. As much as we pretend we don’t, everyone is fickle and judgmental, most of all when it comes to someone’s hair.

We may not say it out loud, for fear of getting a well deserved punch in the face, but we most certainly are all thinking the same thing. We’ve documented those thoughts so you don’t have to.

Shaved all over

You own at least two football shirts and wear them casually. Fruit machines at the local pub are ‘the one’. You’re a money in money out kind of guy, all your money goes on nights out with the bois, William Hill and Benson & Hedges. You may or may not have a tattoo of your daughter’s birthdate. It confuses you when the women you wolf whistle at don’t ask for your number. You have a polyamorous relationship, well your girlfriend doesn’t know but that doesn’t matter.

Short back and sides

You’re in the uni football team and are upset that people care more about lacrosse than your chosen sport. You vape and think that the latest bubblegum flavour is quality. Yeah you have a v-neck or two but you’re not like the other guys who wear them. You go to Magaluf still, despite being in your final year at University and think that if you went on Take Me Out every girl would want you. You go to the gym but only do arms and chest, you don’t need to do legs because you walked to the gym so it’s the same thing right?

Receding hairline

You’re closer to thirty than you are to twenty but you’re still at uni clinging on to your youth but your hair doesn’t hide anything. You’re trying to cover up the baldness by sweeping what hair you have over but any slight gust of wind and you look like Donald Trump.

The Pudding Bowl

You probably wear t-shirts, which have band’s names on them, still wear wristbands and your wallet is attached to your jeans with a chain. You play Farmville on Facebook, and with every invite your friend list gets shorter and shorter. You are part of LarpSoc and the Quidditch team at uni, and get frustrated when people tell you Quidditch isn’t a real sport. Playing COD online is your favourite pastime but you genuinely think you are in the army, luckily for everyone around you you don’t actually own any weapons.

Bald fade, medium hair pomp aka #fuckboi2k15

You send dickpics to any female you have on snapchat regardless of whether you actually know them and when they don’t send nudes back you call them a slut, somewhat ironically. You wear Huaraches, only ever listen to house music and love dropping pingers at Parklife with your boys to Disclosure. You more than likely study sports science at a Poly and will either become a P.E teacher before getting struck off for having sexual relations with a pupil.

Of course they ski

Short buzz cut all over with a floppy fringe

You’re a stand up guy. Hold the door for the person behind and always turn up to your seminars prepared. You’re two up two down, vanilla ice cream no sprinkles. What you see is what you get. You got all your sex tips from Simon from The Inbetweeners. You have given up on life before it has had a chance to begin. Your hair is tragic and looks like your mum still cuts it in the bathroom. Getting a girlfriend is not even on your radar. Your parents are always proud of you and you’re on the way to becoming an accountant in Ipswich.

The Harry Styles

This is one of the toughest to pull off. I’m talking about the shoulder length hair. Harry Styles can just about pull it off but you on the other hand cannot. You’re in a band and play the bass, and your SU bar on a Monday night has been your biggest gig. Life isn’t complete until you’re back at Reading festival drinking warm beer at your campsite, which you then set fire to on Monday morning like a pagan ritual.

Here I am absolutely nailing it

The Perm

You know who had a perm, Gary Glitter and Phil Spector. One was a paedophile and one was a killer. Nothing good has ever come from a perm. You’re a public school boy who wears Jack Wills’s gilets over a shirt with jogging bottoms unironically. It looks like you have a mop on your head.

You think you are cooler than you are. Stop living your sixth form days, take off your fucking leavers’ hoody, get a trim and sort your life out.

Hopefully his future won’t be as shady

The Topknot

You’re at Leeds and have taken ket twice in your life, but boy do you go on about it as if you invented using a horse tranquilliser as a party enhancer. You genuinely think you are the hottest guy on campus, and spend a great deal of your time abusing fifteen year olds on Wavey Garms for claiming their Supreme top is Dead Stock, as if it was as obvious as gravity. You’re more than likely a bedroom DJ, occasionally posting your tracks on Facebook from your SoundCloud account. Shame nobody wants to hear your two bit Mickey Mouse techno.

Someone pass me some scissors

White man dreadlocks

You spent your formative years boarding at one of the top private educational institutions before embarking on a year in Africa. Your parents paid three thousand pounds for you to volunteer because it looks great on your personal statement before you applied to go to Sussex Uni. Your most prized possession is your Che Guevara T shirt, which is ironic on so many levels. You think your hair makes you interesting but in reality it makes you look a bit homeless. Nobody wants to hear you play your fucking acoustic guitar and your rants about the evil mean Tories.