Tom AC, Agony Uncle: Creepy cleaners, YUSU elections and unrequited love

Tom AC returns to his position as The Tab’s Agony Uncle, imparting his priceless advice on the weak and needy. No problem is too big or too small.

He always makes great choices

here we go I used to work a electronics company were we had this old and how should I put it ‘bubbly’ cleaner, I have since left the job and haven’t seen her in over a year since she retired, she still messages me on Facebook, her last one read ‘hey sexy boy’ and she always comments on my photos and even photo albums im tagged in, what should i do

Thank you for your message, however I feel it may be a little out of my jurisdiction and would be more appropriate to contact the police and/or child protection. I say this as I can only assume you cannot be older than the age of five or six with spelling and grammar like that. Nobody, male or female should be engaging in such lewd messages to a minor.

I am also concerned about your well-being, at your age you should not be working, in either full or part time capacity, you should be in school. If you let me know the details of the company I can report them to trading standards. I am glad you have left the job and really hope you are back in year three.

Enough of my concerns and worries, you wanted advice and help, so here it is. I think firstly you should delete your Facebook account, as it’s for older people, I even think you have to be thirteen to have one. The next thing you should do is tell your Mummy and Daddy about this person, they will know what to do. Oh and stay in school, you will never get into a good uni with atrocious spelling and grammar like that you illiterate shite.

Don’t do this

I am in love with my friend’s girlfriend.

Concise and straight to the point, I like that a lot. However what do you want me to do about it? Realistically you have three options: ignore your urges and be happy for your friend, tell your friend that you’re in love or snake your friend and do it on the sly.

Before you make a decision, you have to think, are you actually in love or do you just want to put one through her? If it’s the latter then don’t tell anyone, just continue what you’re doing which is ferociously wanking over her when your friend has sex in the next room. If it’s the former then something has to be done.

If you ignore it, hopefully the love will subside and you can carry on with your life but it could make you bitter and twisted that your friend got the girl you feel you deserve.

If you tell them both, you could end up losing a friend and not even ending up with the girl of your dreams so that’s not really a great option either.

The best option then is to snake your friend, snapchat her on the sly, be her shoulder to cry on when he messes up and then go in for the kiss. You will lose a friend but hey at least you got the girl right?

If it all fails don’t blame me.

With all these bits of cardboard and awful puns and slogans around campus it is hard to work out who to vote for. I don’t know who will be the best person for the roles, and if they can even make a difference when they get in? I study politics and find this cardboard fetishism very bizarre.

 You’re right, it is hard to work out who to vote for, so why don’t you just do what everyone else does: vote for your friends or friends’ friends. Or someone who you think is attractive. Or just RON them all.

The people who get in are just the ones who have a lot of friends. And no they don’t make a difference, granted we now have a Go-Pro for the sports teams and thirteen lockers but its hardly viva la fucking revolution.

Cannibalism

I’m in Derwent as a fresher but I am finding it hard to fit in with the rest of the Derwenters. I am not part of the JCRC, I don’t enjoy Club D events in the canteen where I have soggy scrambled eggs and I have never been to BlackBox. Not only this but I haven’t played for Derwent College Football and thus don’t have any Derwent stash whatsoever. People look at me in D bar as if I am not even from the college. Please help me.

First of all I am sorry to hear of the situation you are in, it must be very difficult. Being in Derwent is not like being in any other college, it becomes who you are. Nothing else matters except that you are now in Derwent College. It is the most defining moment of your life.

All is not lost though my friend. You are one of the lucky few that manages to escape from the claws of Derwent. You’re not the one who at the age of twenty-two will be wondering why you haven’t been offered CFO of Barclays even though you were treasurer on the JCRC and have been endorsed by the sports reps. You’re free to make friends elsewhere, knowing that they won’t judge you because you didn’t go to BeachD. Nor will they mock you because you didn’t play in the nail biting 0-0 draw in sub zero conditions on the JLD against Alcuin 5s .

You my friend have dodged a bullet, run free before you end up getting forced to partake in Take Me Out.

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