What I learnt from the rugby auction

I’ve got to admit, when I first heard about the Warwick men’s rugby player auctions I was pretty excited. The event page promised the chance to win a “strapping, educated, half naked, oiled up, experienced but sensitive rugby player”, there could be worse ways to spend a Friday night. I instantly knew this was a different crowd to my usual Friday night comrades on Floor 4 of the library – and definitely something I could get more used to.

After a half hour delay while the girls got primped and preened in the bathroom discussing who they wanted to see get their kit off tonight while the brave acts drank away their nerves, the event commenced with hosts Cream and OG telling everyone eloquently to shut up.

The first act was a group of five first years, their announcement causing an onslaught of “FRESH”. Dressed in just their ties and boxer shorts, the lad’s gave Baby and Johnny a run for their money in their Dirty Dancing inspired routine. Catching up with the boys after their performance, and when they were no longer nearly naked, I asked one what they had to do for their successful bidder. He told me, rather fearfully, as promised he would have to do “anything”.

Basking in their post performance glory

Unfortunately the conversation was cut short, the second years had entered the stage, channelling Bob the Builder with added testosterone, the boys impressively managed to incorporate downing a pint into their dance routine.

The event continued for another two hours, and I don’t think I have or will ever have again the opportunity to see so many male body parts. The audience seemed delirious too, from the outside of Altoria you could have seriously been fooled into thinking One Direction was performing that night.

Regretting all his life choices

While I’m unsure these lad’s dancing skills would make it through the auditions for Britain’s Got Talent, I’ve still got massive respect for what they’re doing. Seemingly with no inhibitions, group after group of rugby boys worked the stage. They really do deserve a good tour after all of this.

George is a maths student by day…

No act was like the last. I don’t quite know what to think when two lads (Facebook research tells me their names are Joe and Sami) take the stage equipped with a bagpipe with condoms attached to the drones (of course) and a plate of undercooked haggis to perform a routine that would have any Scottish person quaking in their boots. They managed to raise an impressive £50 – particularly impressive given one of the duo was keeling on the floor about to vomit during the bidding process.

The highest bid of the night went to the second year duo, Tobi and Tom. Their bromance brought in a massive £75. “Top lads” one audience member heckled. There’s a lot of confusion about what a “lad” is, but here it seemingly defined as a nearly naked, oiled up boy with only a pair of sparkly silver speedos to save his dignity.

As I emerged from the now rather sweaty confines of Altoria I’m not sure what I’ve just witnessed. It’s an event like no other I’ve been to at Warwick and I’ve learnt a lot about how far these boys will go to ensure a good tour. Oh, and a first year going by the name “Fish” has a love bite on his bum.