Smoking for dummies

One glass of poison down and you’re feeling cool, sophisticated, silly and do you know what would make it even better? A crafty fag.

As someone who enjoys a little nicotine rush when they’ve been on the sauce I know what its like to reach for those little sticks of deathly goodness.

But there’s a fine line between being a smoking connoisseur and killing your street cred slobbering on a Marlboro light to the disgust of all the smokers around you.

‘We have to escape to the courtyard’

It’s a well known fact that the smoker’s area is much better craic than the actual club. You have room to breathe, even if it is choked with second -and smoke, and you can carry a conversation without having to scream over a Taylor Swift remix.

If you had the foresight to get a cheeky ten deck of cigarettes with your carry out, I applaud you. You can smoke at your own leisure and take pride in being an independent person of the 21st century.

If not, make sure you have a lighter. If you crash a fag off someone else and then still have to ask for a lighter, they’ll know its amateur hour.

As a tobacco smoker myself, I’m not going to dish out a rollie for just anyone, especially seriously steaming girls with about as much grace as a dying antelope. I’m more likely to share a fag with Jimmy Saville.

People pick their smoking buddies wisely, so you have to pay attention for the best chance at success. Look out for new packets, lads who are a six to your nine and that girl who sat next to you in that seminar last year.

If you’ve gone solo into the smoking area and managed to acquire yourself a cig you must then keep up conversation with this fellow smoker. Topics of chat may include: how shit the club is, how sick you are of Dusk playlist, or how expensive smokes are now (almost £10 for 20 Marlboro red).

If you’re sharing, avoid those who are truly fucked, because they’ll definitely be slobbering all over that filter. You don’t want to have to wring it out before you take a draw.

When you’ve utilised your charm to grab a cig, avoid being an ungrateful twat about it. Don’t just act like a gold fish and suck in that smoke to breathe it straight out again. It’s a waste. But don’t breathe in so deeply that you cough like a 40-a-day middle aged man. Nothing will give the game away quicker.

Adopt a smoking style that’s best for you. One of my flatmate’s natural stances is holding it in the tips of his fingers as if it will bite him and cocking his hand so much it makes Alan Carr look butch.

As always, waking up with ashtray mouth will make you bitterly regret becoming a human Thomas the tank engine last night. Don’t worry, you’ll be back at it like a pro come Fubar Thursday.