If you’re scared of running into a hookup, here are 27 ways to avoid them on campus

It’s one of life’s biggest fears: you notice someone who you got with last week is right in front of you. There’s nowhere to go, nowhere to escape nor run. You’re stuck.

They notice you. Your eyes lock and now you’re just like, well, fuck, I’ve got to say something now haven’t I? Once you’re face-to-face, you remember the last time you looked properly into their eyes and… oh god. Graciously, you both pretend to care about how the other’s day is going and you ask them how they’ve been. After a few more questions and some sufficiently awkward pauses, you finally manage to escape them. Until next time, of course.

Want to avoid the trauma? Then here’s a guide on how to make sure that you never have to run into someone you’ve hooked up with ever again:

Don’t go to T&L

Just don’t go. Ever. I repeat, do NOT go to T&L under any circumstances.

The open space and the desks by the balconies are a deadly territory and you will regret it. Literally the whole of the world ends up there in any given week, so why risk it?

Work from home

You’ll never see them if you’re never on campus. Duh.

Do not walk or bus ANYWHERE

Scoot, Uber, whatever you can. Just minimise your face while in public.

Wear sunglasses everywhere to become unrecognisable

Wow, a whole new identity.

Wear a balaclava

The sunnies not doing enough incognito work for you? Then this is a top tier tip. They’ll never know it’s you.

And it’s kind of a cute vibe. …Mysterious. I love it.

Take the lift in the building for a quick get away

When you get into a building, head straight for the lift and go to your floor without a second thought. If someone you’ve shagged is at the top when you get out, simply get back in and pretend you got the wrong floor.

It’s genius, I know.

Swap playerlayers with a friend to confuse them

They think you’re a footballer, but you’re in a hockey shirt? Must be someone else.

Stalk their snap maps and avoid their location

If they haven’t been active in the last couple of hours, leave campus IMMEDIATELY. They could be anywhere.

Hack their personal tutor’s account and send them an email saying their on campus classes are cancelled until further notice

Self-explanatory AND easy.

Simply deny the fact you ever slept together

This one is foolproof really. If you see someone you’ve slept with, just pretend you didn’t. You can’t run into someone you’ve slept with if you’ve never slept with them.

You think you know me? No you don’t x

Find out when their away matches are and only go on campus when they are scheduled

So you couldn’t resist those white-shirt Crisis boys? Here’s a simple fix for you.

Self-isolate indefinitely

Rona take two.

Get taller so they don’t recognise you

Start wearing really big boots or something and ta da, you’re a brand new person.

Or become shorter

Not sure how to execute this one, but it might work if you can work out how.

Grow all your food in your garden so you never have to leave the house

No need to ever go Lidl or grab a meal deal at Spar again. It’s too risky.

Or live off takeaways

Same as above.

Or forage for food somewhere very remote

If you’re too broke to order and don’t have a garden, this’ll do.

Wear a balaclava AND sunglasses

Double trouble!!

Use an umbrella to hide yourself

You see them walking towards you on the downs? Not a problem. Pop that baby up and hold it out to block their line of vision to you.

Just make sure it’s not one of those transparent ones.

Pretend you’re your twin

Regardless of whether or not you actually have a twin, just use it.

Ahahaha, no, you slept with my sibling, silly x

Take a mid-degree ‘gap yah’

Just get out of Notts for a while. Go to South America or Asia to find yourself and maybe they’ll forget you by the time you return??

Dye your hair to confuse them

It gives you a few extra seconds to make a runner.

Or get a drastic haircut

As above.

Or wear a wig

Ugh, I love a makeover.

Change to a degree at Sutton Bonnington

SB can’t be that bad, right?

On the bright side, the students houses out in Kegworth are probably decent and the countryside is nice. Think of it as a chance to learn horse riding.

Failing that, change uni

Don’t tell me you’ve shagged a VetMed or dietician student too? You’ve left yourself with no other choice. I’m sorry.

Failing THAT, drop out

So you moved across the country and last summer’s fling from Reading is there. Rah.

That’s a sign to drop out, babes.