Every type of person you’ll see in the pub on April 12th
Thoughts are with every bartender having to work today x
It’s been half a year since anyone set foot in a pub but it’s finally time. Boris is easing restrictions and, whatever the weather, pub gardens across England will be filled with every man, student and his dog.
But you can’t deny a year of lockdowns and socially distancing has changed everyone. Maybe you’re lacking the social skills to speak to anyone bar your housemate and their boyfriend, or perhaps your alcohol tolerance has dropped massively without easy access to a pub.
Even if you think nothing has changed for you, you will be itching for a draft pint. So before you get ahead of yourself, here’s every person you’ll see on Monday – prepare yourself.
The one who lost their social skills in lockdown
You might not even notice this person at first as they’ll be sat in the corner in utter shock of seeing other people again. They’ll definitely order all their drinks on the app to avoid speaking to the bartenders and avoid eye contact when they bring them over.
A few drinks in and they’ll stop abbreviating their words as if they’re talking on text and may even show you one of the many Tiktok dances they learnt over lockdown. Nothing like a bit of Dutch courage.
The never-been-out-before fresher
Clubs are a mystery to them and pubs more of a sparse memory. They’re going to be so excited they’ll order twenty Jägerbombs on entry and definitely not be able to drink them like they thought they could.
But they’ll be so happy to see someone other than their flatmates that they’ll carry on regardless. You can catch them with the VKs, dancing to the pub’s music pretending they’re at Ocean.
The Rugby Boy who hasn’t been able to tell anyone
I honestly would not be surprised if they turned up in a white shirt and tie as its been far too long since they were able to grace the Crisis balcony.
You’ll find these boys shouting chants and sinking pints, telling anyone within earshot that their home gym, a few weights in the spare room, has kept them as fit as ever. They may be able to hold their alcohol but they will still push it too far; you’ll see them carrying each other home once they get kicked out of Sheaves.
Oh, and did you know? They play rugby x
The Tinder fiend
You’ll wonder why they look familiar before realising you and all your housemates matched with them on Tinder. They’ve potentially been on a few dates at Wollaton but are starved of romantic attention.
You’ll find them scanning the room for potential love and even sending drinks to that special someone across the room. If you’re lucky, you might even get a wink and a cheesy chat up line.
The one whose tolerance dropped
You either went one way or another in lockdown, drinking every day or not at all. The ones who went for ‘not at all’ are going to have a bit of a shock when they’re slurring their words after half a Carling.
They’ll be calling for shots at 2pm and in bed by 3pm, justifying it as a ‘cheap night out’ the next day. So when you see them falling into your chair for the fifth time in an hour, don’t worry, they won’t last much longer.
The graduate who wants their final year back
You’ll think you stepped into a nursing home before realising that you’ve come across the students who just won’t leave uni. Maybe they did a panic masters, or got a job and stayed in Notts to make up for their final year being stolen from them.
You’ll hear them talking about how coronavirus has nothing on the Notts mumps epidemic of 2019 and remembering the “good ol’ days” of their many years at that pub. To be fair, they probably know the best deals though, they might even let you use their senior discount.
This one you might not see for long as they have eight pubs booked and they are making the most of the first day out.
They’ve meticulously planned each round to maximise drinking and can be spotted ordering their friends to down their drinks because the Uber has arrived. Double G+Ts all round, they’ve been waiting a long time for this day.
The one who drank their way through lockdown
They washed their toast down with a Dark Fruits and were waiting at the door for the pub to open. They’re sick of drinking Sainsbury’s own vodka so you can catch them splashing the cash on some of the nicer drinks the pub has to offer.
They know their tolerance, they’ve prepared for this, so you won’t see them leave the pub until it closes and will probably continue with their housemates after. Well done, incredible effort.
The one who attempted cocktail making at home
They tried to sustain the cocktail addiction throughout lockdown but can’t quite make them as good. They will order a Pornstar Martini tree immediately and debate when to take the prosecco shot.
You’ll see them comparing the professional cocktails to the ones they made at home because they definitely tasted just as good. Didn’t see them? No worries, it’ll be all over their Instagram tomorrow: ‘Thanks Boris xxxxx’.
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