Varsity Player Profiles
Fancy a ruck?
On any normal day, ‘controversial’ and ‘infamous’ would be euphemistic ways to describe the University of Manchester Rugby Club. However, on one crisp autumn day per year an opportunity arises for hearts to be broken and heroes to be made: Varsity.
Only one thing stands in the way of glorious revelry as they take to their thrones in AU on Wednesday night – an un-ranked, unheard of little establishment somewhere a little north of here known as Man Met. Without further ado, meet the players who want nothing more than to win the match – and with that, your hearts.
Jordan Woods (1):
Number 1 on the field and number 1 in your hearts. PPE, Second Varsity & Club Chairman. Plans to rename it the Jordan Woods 2013 Varsity unfortunately fell through but I hold high hopes for next year. I love dancing in the moonlight, Surrey and Snuggles
Harry Booth (2):
Economics Masters, (5th year) As a self-proclaimed BNOC, Varsity 2013 is once more an opportunity for me to showcase the masterpiece that is BOBBKOS. Don’t go blaming Albert Einstein ladies, as gravity is not responsible for you falling for me. I’m going to control Varsity and pull some strings… like a tampon thief. Enjoy the oboe, Enya, vintage cognac and busty women.
Alain Warden (3):
Petroleum engineering, sensible d.rinking officer, 2nd varsity – rumoured to have the best chat and biggest triceps on campus. Enjoys letting his hair down with a few light shandys after a good win. Other interests include: deadlifts & haggis
Iain Swall (4):
2nd year Physics. Hailing from north yorkshire, a strong pig farmer through and through. Some say he is the tallest man in the world, some say he once consumed an entire barrel of pulled pork and felt “ok”. His hobbies include lineouts, bloody loves lineouts, he is our sky captain, our loose cannon, swallrus the large getting it on after varsity baby x
Tom Harrison (5):
Chemistry (Bsc) 2nd varsity Weighing in at over 220 pounds and standing 6ft 4 inches tall this welterweight athlete is eager to prove his cause in the 2013 varsity. Specialising in lineouts and and sonny bill offloads he is an exciting young player and can turn the game around in a blink of an eye. Off the pitch he enjoys white bread, cutting his own hair and rearranging his room.
Joe Patrick (6):
Varsity Captain, 2nd Varsity. I’m a man of complexity, I encompass and I eclipse and as a result I go by many names; the classic Joe, the comedic Simon but on the field I’m known simply as Fuckhead. Some say I’m an enigma. How can I administer such physical punishment on the pitch and be so considerate and sensitive off of it? How can I lead from the front with no regard for my well being when I’m so mild mannered on the other side of the touchline? How can I become a completely different person when that shirt is on my back? Every Jekyll has a Hyde.
Danny Secker (7):
4th Year MEng student, 2nd varsity, Treasurer. Likes to spend evenings sat in a darkened room listening to his favourite shows on the wireless. Likes: Reminiscing about ‘back in my day’. Dislikes: loud music, ‘edgyness’, anything or anyone from further south than Sheffield. Turns 23 at midnight after Varsity, show some love!!
Danny Kennedy (8):
Also known as the octagon. Always perform to my optimum – on the pitch, and in the bedroom. New to the team, and after tonight, new to your dreams. I’m a country man of simple pleasures. My perfect date includes very little talking on your part, chocolate mousse, a video camera and a whole lotta lovin. Line up ladies. Can almost certainly be found in the casino cheers.
Thomas Wathey (9):
3rd year Human Geography. Strong White Caribbean man. Attitude challenger, convention breaker. Another year, another varsity. The players come and go, but the meaning remains. The biggest inter university derby in the Greater Manchester region, what a thought. Thirty of the best rugby players that the northwest tertiary education system has to offer. If you think that this is going to be a friendly affair, you’re just bloody wrong. Already carb-loading.
Paddy Shaw (10):
When people see me lining up for my second consecutive Varsity start, they probably think I’m just a ridiculously talented young man with nothing on his mind but the next try or conversion. They’d be surprised, but nothing could be further from the truth. In reality, I’m never happier than when kicking back with my five best friends: Harry, Liam, Niall, Louis, and Zayne.
Joseph Akinlotan (11):
International Business, Finance and Economics. More ready than ever to showcase some fresh talent in Varsity, some would call me a trend setter. Winning is the only option. Hobbies include teaching Benj Jones a thing or two about chat, and scouting talent in Tiger Tiger.
Richard Coskie (12):
29 years old, number 12, 6th year architecture student. England students and GB7s students’ representative. Keen hairdresser and film producer. Enjoys dogs, strawberry ice cream and tee totalism. X
James Williams (13):
Cauliflower ears rub against thighs and I know I am in paradise. The pack trundles forwards while I yearn for a fumble, dosed on muscular ecstasy. The ball slips through my fingers as I am distracted by the post-match shower scene, playing on my mind. Owen Waldin runs for the try line but Scouse is running the taps, awaiting our immersion with the certainty of coversion. The fans cheer knowing I am satisfied – at least for another year.
Ollie Wace (14):
Studying Politics and International Relations and also holding the much coveted position of stash sec. The Devonian winger is picked for size over pace, his varsity inclusion is somewhat surprising. Not least for suffering from the deadly disease that is slowly killing him, diabetes. Freshers figures 6/7 (2011)
Nick Blythe (15):
I bring a somewhat Asian flair to UMRFC, known for my quick feet and boyish good looks I am a force to be reckoned with. I’m the one with the boyband tan and the white boots lighting up the field. As a wise man once said, BLYTHIE!!! BLYTHIE!!! BLYTHIE!!!
Perry Wilson (16):
Club Captain and one of the few good looking northerners on the team – I will be joining the game at 45 minutes with a purple Mohawk. See you there.
Ryan Getley (17):
Son of Bobbkos, brother of man bear pig. My bean like appearance will allow me to bake my opponents into submission. After varsity the Getley smash will be a common phrase throughout the rugby community. As soon as the full time whistle blows I will quietly retreat back to the mountains from whence I came until the call for varsity once again falls upon me.
Billy Richardson (18):
Born in the dark ages as a lumberjack. Looking forward to living in caravan in a forest. Going to score a try in the 2nd half.
Calum Barrett (19):
Civil engineering masters (5th year). Part time film star, full time legend. Rumoured to be wanted for unspeakable crimes in Fallowfield, he is often found harassing the local talent. Favourite night out combination includes 2 for 5 and 256. So ladies, if you’re 18-19 and cheap wine, amateur acting and terrible chat turns you on, give this guy a call: 07723422881
Freddie Drummond (20):
Raised by wolves until the age of 10. Still loves a rare steak and exhibits wolfish behaviour, woof! Turned down the role of Jacob in the Twilight Saga to concentrate on his studies.
Peter Wickham (21):
2nd year maths BNOC. 5″2 so technically not a dwarf. But what I lack in stature I make up for in effort and hard work. Hobbies include sleep fingering, following in his father’s (Cal Barrett) unacceptable footsteps and perfecting his barnet. Peace out i’ll see you choppers in AU. You stay loose Manchester.
Will Carter (22):
Product of the world famous West Wales fly half factory, call me the Welsh Wizard. I took a trip to the depths of hell with a horrific leg injury. My right leg might be knackered but my middle leg is outstanding. I have developed incredible motivation, drive and tenacity qualities that I will bring to the team. In my spare time enjoy a good book and a sturdy sheep.
Dale Spratt (23):
2nd year Chemical Engineer with unbelievable good looks, Varsity organiser and first of many Varsities. Known for his weight-lifting ability and ‘Dale’ like qualities, guess it runs in the family. Enjoys long walks on the beach, 50 shades of grey and the occasional Felix Fact. Dislikes drinking, steaks, bacon sarnies and boobs.
We sent an e-mail over to Manchester Metropolitan to get a comparable list of their players, but recent revelations suggest that none of them can read.