We turned Boris Johnson’s press conferences into a drinking game

Yesterday, Boris Johnson held another of his infamous press conferences. He confirmed that pub gardens, gyms and shops are reopening next Monday the 12th and, much to everyone’s surprise, did not say a single word about uni students.

It’s been over a year of Boris addressing the nation, and you’re probably tired of his voice and the predictability of every announcement. The pubs may be reopening tomorrow, but with student loans running dry here’s a way to save money and wash away the boredom from the comfort of your cramped student house.

So to waste some time before our deadline panic truly sets in, grab your flatmates, some booze, turn on an old press conference and try out The Tab London’s drinking game:

The Boris Basics 

These phrases are about as rare as a private-schooler saying ‘rah’ every five minutes, and they’re absolute favourites in Boris’ limited vocabulary. Pour yourself a glass of wine or crack open a beer and start drinking: 

“Euuuhhh / erm / urm / um”

Pronounces vaccine as “vacc-ee-n”

“Roadmap out of lockdown”  

“Stay Alert, Control the Virus, Save Lives”

“Stay Home, Protect the NHS, Save Lives”

Vague “war” or “Great Britain” reference

Clap for the NHS 

You know these are going to be said and frankly are tired of hearing them, thanks to the amount of times they’ve been said – and proved to be bollocks – before. Cheers to the “new normal” and take another sip (or just chug the whole thing):

“Common sense”

“Unprecedented times”

“Stop the spread / Flatten the curve”

“We’ve done / been doing everything we can” 

“Unfortunately we must / Sacrifices must be made / Difficult decision”

*Doesn’t actually answer the question he’s been asked*

Getting Brexit Done 

Another intelligence-proof idea or empty promise? It’s good to see that Boris is keeping optimistic but the capitalist undertones in his voice can be pretty concerning. Process the increasing pointlessness of this press-conference with a shot:

“Light at the end of the tunnel / Back to normal”

Mention of pubs reopening 

Anything about schools being safe 

“Great / glorious British summer”

“New strain / variant” 

“Power up our economy”

*Simps over capitalism*

Dominic’s Durham Special 

Nearly as rare as Dominic Cummings facing consequences for testing his eyesight with a drive to Durham during the first lockdown. Instead of writhing in your seat at the awkwardness of our leading British politicians, take a shot (or two) when you hear these:

“Mistakes were made”

“Unforeseen circumstances”

*Actually follows the science*

“You’re on mute” / any other technical issue

BONUS: £3 Million to the NHS

If you’ve decided to carry dry January all the way into April, don’t worry, just down a bottle of Smirnoff every time university students are mentioned. We’re still waiting.

Disclaimer: The Tab urges all players to drink responsibly and legally.

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• Overheard at London Unis: Lecturer Edition

• With deadline season upon us, here are 25 weird things students are doing to stay sane