Everything you need to know about the UCLU Men’s Rugby Team
It’s time to put the tragic tweed and purple tie combo to the test
With the last event of the London Varsity series just around the corner, it’s time we meet our most infamous Varsity team: UCLU Men’s Rugby. Adored by some, questioned by others- the Men’s Rugby team will undergo the greatest test of their manhood – and it isn’t even a Wednesday. Nonetheless, Friday night will guarantee a crowd of thousands of spectators downing cheap pints and singing songs of hatred. With UCL and King’s neck and neck in this year’s Varsity series, our hopes truly lie in our brilliant array of rugby talent to seal the deal and secure a UCL victory.
Here’s everything you need to know about the rugby boys (based on what they said about each other):
Minhyuk ‘Fiddler’ Seo
When he’s not serenading every girl at UCL with his seductive violin-playing, you will find this man at his local strip wax bar streamlining his legs for that “shine” (although he still claims it’s genetic). His beauty regime however, has unintentionally improved his performances on the pitch, sleeking past the opposition defence with silky ease and the lack of leg friction has made him immune to any chop tackles. The potentially blinding reflection of the floodlights off this man’s crura however, does mean we advise all supporters at V to bring their own eye-protective gear.
A year down the line and Alexander has matured somewhat. Rarely seen on campus, rumours have it this human size thumb is either planning his wedding, doing bicep curls directly behind the step machines or sat in the csc telling everyone how much training he’s got with Richmond. One place you definitely will be able to find him is on the wing at Allianz trying to tell someone on the sideline how he has an international cap. He’d also like me to let you all know he’s the best player on the pitch.
Weight: ‘About Undred Kilos’
A man of few words and even fewer consonants, Huddersfield born and breaded, Mr K was a late bloomer to the 1st team but took his chance with both pie loving hands. Rumour has it Tom once formulated a sentence longer than 5 words, but it transpired it was only to complain at a lack of variety of bitters available at the union. Along with the silent fury he brings to games fringe benefits include a lovely lady with a good eye for a photo.
P.S. We like you a lot Sheelagh, we want you to stay.
Joshua hit fame last year after his starring role in the Revenant. He has since moved away from fictional tales, instead starring in Netflix’s Making a Murderer as the protagonist and lead suspect in the death of Theresa Holbach, Steven Avery. Josh’s successes do not stop there, however. In his final year of university, Josh has been house trained; with learning to shower noted amongst his flat-mates as an admirable trait. Josh enjoys telling everyone about his long walks, rocks and has a penchant for Eastern European delicacies on the Loop dance floor. Contrary to this man’s huge physique, he’s a soft soul with a lot of love to give.
The singing, playwriting, typhoid surviving giraffe of UC. This 6”8 yet down to earth Etonian never intended to play university rugby until he was expertly headhunted in the basement of XOYO to put his obscene limbs to good use. While his identical twin brother Hugo rots in an Oxford library and sometimes plays in a dated washed out ‘blue’, the superior McPherson will wear the regal purple as he struggles to remember his own name without it printed on every item of clothing he wears.
Joseph Michael Ryan. What can possibly be said about our brave and fearless leader? JMR, despite looking like a cross between Casper the Ghost and Rocky Balboa, has become the most successful of us all. A job offer from a prestigious law firm and a stable loving relationship (lol) show that beauty is certainly not just skin deep. Went missing for 2 months earlier in the season, officially injured but rumoured to have instead been on a tour of all the European cities of love in search of a missing padlock? Two things are certain, his parents won’t be there and he will get a nosebleed. Toughen up King’s, because this man can through a stiff upper-cut.
Young Peter has enjoyed a meteoric rise from Law XV to the mighty UC 1’s since an underwhelming cameo at training two months into the season. With modesty that Mark can only hope to match, he would never tell you that Scotland and England youth internationals have spent time playing alongside the ankle chopping connoisseur. As an avid Loop goer Benson has received some complements on his flamboyant footwork on bottom floor, however unfortunately this definitely does not translate onto the pitch.
From the bay of Hong Kong arose UC’s very own quadzilla. This eighteen year old, piston-thighed mutant Harrovian, was once heard inquiring, through sullen tears of accumulated loneliness, why no girls wanted to get with him in Loop. Since then, the lovechild of the Hulk and the piano playing kid from School of Rock has started to put the try back into Triad, fuelled by the kale smoothies his sister and/or recently acquired affluent girlfriend make him. We hope they are not the same person, although rumours have escalated. Kings will be following this star from the east all the way over their try-line. No one knows how Joe Ryan thought he could play 8 over our Theonardo DiCaprio, the man aiming to engineer victory on the 17th.
Comrade Morris has shifted to 10 for this year’s showdown – he wasn’t too keen but his blonde sugar mummy of a girlfriend insisted so they compromised and at 10 he stands. In previous years Morris has forgotten which side he plays on; claiming Kings try assists in both ’15 and ’16. However, this year he’s discovered he does actually like the lads and will be orchestrating the game with both his fiery whip and talismanic left boot – self five! King’s be scared, Morris will be looking to deliver the knockout punch (just not to your own face this time fella). Shaka bro.
Carved from marble, other members of the team tend to stare in jealousy whenever Kayode enters the showers after a game – his absolutely massive rock hard … calves really are a sight to behold. Faster than our number 24 is in bed he will undoubtedly be looking to add to his season try tally. Kayode has even promised that when UCL win on Friday he will have a beer – god only knows what’s inside that Pandora’s box but my oh my do we want to find out.
Taking a sabbatical from his MSc in Tinder, Farq has recently fallen head over heels in love with the UCL Women’s Rugby fly half. They appear to be a match made in heaven; instead of date night they compete for PB’s in squat and bench. And much to his relief she seems less concerned with his retreating hairline than his regimental amino cycle. Combine the resultant physique with all his wisdom – no game, training session, night out or even lads TV binge is complete without at least 15 minutes of ‘The way Charlie sees it’ – and Farq is a force to be reckoned with in the UCL midfield. Kings be scared of this hot stepper.
One the cheekier freshers to come out of our most recent crop, Tom Horner has been a hit both on and off the pitch in his debut season for UCL. While at first we were unsure about the dodgy blonde highlights and his insistence on bringing Barry Chuckle to all of our home games, Horner has redeemed himself with some strong performances in the 13 jersey this season. Despite recently taking to drinking Strongbow alone in his room and listening to too much Ed Sheeran (it’s her loss mate) he promises to bring a cool head to the Allianz. His handsome babyface will undoubtedly be making an appearance at the after party on Friday with a winner’s medal around his neck. Single ladies and KCL, beware.
It seems that the only way to ensure Ilyas lasts more than 30 seconds is to put him in the starting team. After making a timely return to the club, hiding in the shadows of regret and shame for 6 months straight, he has been on a rampage and has even added the title of Activities Officer to his repertoire. But be not deceived ladies and gentlemen, Ilyas has no idea what his new-found position entails (on and off the pitch) but is confident that he can fake it ‘til he makes it as he has done thus far this season. Did I mention he has released a new clothing line (Bad&BoujeePartTwo) and a thriving Instagram modelling career? @the_jamindian. You’re welcome.
Born and reared in the Welsh valleys far from civilisation Rhodri Huw Sennitt is the elderly statesman of the Squad. Senility has led Rhod to think of himself as a tall, dark and handsome leader of men – yet the only things Rhod tenderly spoons at night are a half eaten Big Mac meal and a picture of an irritating mullet-lidded fresher he’s grown overly fond of. However, don’t be fooled by his penchant for cider beers and love of platonic cuddling; big Sennio is a true competitor and will be doing everything in his power in both attack and defence on the 17th. Social Sec, Captain, Vice Captain and Vice President. All ‘Wodwi’ needs to complete his CV is another Varsity win, Kings beware.
George ‘The Circle’ Koido
Why the circle you may ask? Well because this man is all edge. Regarded by himself as the true heir to the hooker’s birth, this stalwart of UCL 1XV has been dropped with less grace than a bellicose Elliot Handler by the man at the helm; Joe Ryan. Under the nurturing influence of older brother Minhyuk, George has gradually blossomed as the season went on, with rumours of lineout chucks straighter than Mr Wills’ member.
Jason rose to fame within the Klub by announcing quite loudly on a cold November night back in his first year that he was ‘going to rip everyone’s heads off’. Being from Croydon we all believed him and realised we had just found a true nutcase of a flanker. Alongside Esher, Jason forms the other half of the 1st XV Grime fan club – this is at odds with the Klubs usual preference for Tay Tay which Jason calls: “little white girl music”. A part-time Hollister model with guns twice the size of Stringers thighs, Jason is an absolute wrecking ball and will destroy anything come Friday 17th March.
After a year of wasting his time with some weird ‘sport’ involving sticks and face masks, Reeve made the much needed transfer to rugby. However an injury plagued season gave Will more time to put into his year abroad applications, he now lines up for Varsity both without injury, and overseas-placement – time well spent.
What’s to be said about Tom Stringer? Nothing, apparently. Tom’s nearest and dearest had a week to write him a bio and yet nothing materialised. Does Tom have friends? Probably not. It’s a shame, there’s a lot to be said about young Master Stringer. From performing fallacious acts on fellow members of the klub in the French Alps to shitting in his girlfriend’s bath, he is, I’m sure, an interesting guy. Whilst this is probably true, he’s sacrificed his friends for his love of washing up his girlfriend’s dishes; and for that this bio is the consequence.
Thinks Varsity bios are beneath him.
Fresh from his shift at the Ministerium für Staatssicherheit, and making his second attempt at completing an undergraduate degree,Dom Ham II is the shield and sword of the klub, providing efficiency, ruthlessness and close surveillance of the Poly. Hailing from the small village of Crundale, ‘Moddo’ (as he is affectionately known by his mother) spends his spare time discussing fiscal policy with family friend George Osborne, revising for his non-degree in “Arts & Sciences” and refining the finer points of his relationship with lover and soulmate Charlie Allen – this reporter hears that the engagement is to be announced soon. With the physique of Eric Pickles, belligerence of Nigel Farage and the loyalty of Michael Gove, Dom hopes to power UCL to victory to finally record a noteworthy achievement at University and step out of his father’s shadow.
The men of the Klub were left stunned recently when one of their very own was featured on David Attenborough’s Planet Earth II. There Sean was, slipping and flapping all over the place with the rest of his Penguin flock – wearing a neon pink vest and spray on skinny jeans he still stuck out like a sore thumb. However, his Arctic retreat seems to have worked wonders as Sean can now squat more than Kimmy K. Having stared into the eyes of ‘The Governess’ from The Chase and only pee’d himself a little bit, it is no surprise that Sean finds the challenge of Kings frankly amusing – even though the Varsity he really wanted to be involved in was played on Sunday eve.
A man far more cultured than the average UCL Mens Rugby Club member, Jelly may at first and each successive glance appear more at home in the History Boys than on a rugby field. However he is just as capable of scything though a defensive line with explosive acceleration as he is discussing the self destructive nature of the left wing. When he is not sharing political article on Facebook this centre to left winger is often found breaking his nose in contact, so keep an eye out for bursts of blood whenever Jelly takes to the field.
27 not out. If you like what you see message me: +44 7580 132350
Boring Mats Venning
Described by our coach as a fallen hero, Mats embodies the UCL motto of short fat and dirty, not all heroes wear capes, have an acceptable hairline or a reasonable rig. Mats’ baby like figure saw him become the general behind the UCL pack until a season ending injury he suffered against Imperial. All those hours he had spent avoiding beers with the lads throughout the year to plot King’s demise had been wasted because of his shit excuse of a shoulder. Hopefully the free time this injury has given him will finally give him the opportunity to ask his beloved Ruth on a date after weeks of small talk (Ruth, if you are reading this please ask him for a bev, he doesn’t have the bottle). You will be sorely missed on the field Mats, booze well my friend, booze well.