Meet the team that will crush the KCL lacrosse team this Sunday night
With nicknames like ‘Cardinal’ and ‘Roo-dog’, what could go wrong?
This year, UCL Mens Lacrosse 1st team has gone from strength to strength under the captaincy of George Edison. Competing in the BUCS 1A South East division, we’ve reached the semi-final of the BUCS Cup (losing to Cambridge last week), are currently sitting at the top of the league, and are extra hungry for a Varsity win this Sunday to cap off our fine season.
Sam Hayes (GK, 2nd year, Chemical Engineering)
Some buy a red Mazda; others have an affair with a younger model. Sam Hayes, however, is content to indulge his love of classic jazz whilst donning his signature cycling cap and Armstrong-era cycling overalls at our spin classes. The second-oldest member of our varsity squad moves the least at goalkeeper (unsurprisingly, given the stage his osteoporosis is now at), causing surprise with the sheer precision of his ball distribution. Outside of lacrosse, he likes to rock climb and occasionally plays badminton with Neil’s dad from the Inbetweeners. Only on the Wednesdays that we don’t have a match though. Obviously.
Rupert Cheetham (Defence, Masters, Infection and Immunity)
Once voted the member of the squad most likely to be a serial killer, there is more than a touch of the Patrick Batemans about Rupert. I would like to follow up and insult him more, but for some reason it would feel wrong. He is consistently one of the (perhaps underappreciated) standout performers of the 1st team, and in addition to being our main defensive input he is possibly the nicest guy around Bloomsbury. Yes, he does occasionally slut drop in Loop, and yes, he does often mention that he “used to play for Spencer 1s”, but I think I speak for us all when I say we appreciate you Roo-dog and genuinely wish you didn’t have to leave after just a year.
Ben Colville (Attack, PhD, Chemistry)
It really is a miracle that Ben hasn’t had some sort of aneurysm this year, given the sporadic and often downright incompetent nature of his supporting cast (read: social secs) in the committee. This gamma male has gained our respect through his solid play and the doubtless impressive amount of hours he dedicated to becoming England’s keenest lacrosse player, but we still wish he wasn’t the spitting image of The Burger King.
His determination to make referees cry is second in unsportsmanlike conduct only to his determination to make his teammates cry. With rumours flying that during matches, his blood pressure rises to a level unseen since the death of Elvis Presley, watching him against Kings this week should be a rare treat.
Arthur Stacey (Attack, Masters, Neuroscience)
Just like Ron Woodroof from Dallas Buyers Club, Arthur harbours few doubts about either the shape of his moustache or the provenance of his potential love matches in Loop. Very good at lacrosse, and very tall, he commands the crease as only a New England Top 150 select player can. Despite a nasty nerve injury to the hand in February, he returns to terrorise Kings’ on March 12th.
As much as they would love to return him to The Donald’s hands on the next available flight, he’d prefer to die with his boots on. Arthur harbours a burning hatred for KCL matched only by his passion for freedom and pumpkin pie; he is sure to get at least a hat-trick on Sunday if he lets loose.
Ollie Phelan (Midfield, 4th year, Modern Languages)
Is Ollie the worst player ever to hail from the north of England? Let’s plead his case. Yes, he does possess decent speed and scores with relative frequency compared to his days abroad. However, he also has the hand-eye coordination of Lisa Simpson, often forgets his kit, and some have suggested he would be playing in the 2s this year if we didn’t need at least 1 northerner in the Varsity squad for diversity purposes.
Others have pointed to his naughty habit of jumping the subs bench queue during matches. Fortunately for Ollie, his grandmother’s nice hand-knitted jumpers and his engaging personality have eclipsed our distrust of Parmos and gravy-soaked chips.
Caleb Burke (Midfield, 2nd year, Medicine)
Sporting a frosted-tip look lying somewhere between that of the Backstreet Boys and Justin Timberlake this year, Caleb has somehow managed to appeal to a wide variety of lacrosse girls without possessing the dreamboat looks of either. His signature lack of coordination, combined with his love of drinking to excess, make him the ideal-type of UCL Men’s Lacrosse.
What was the moon-related competition between the USA and USSR in the 1960s called? What’s it called when Oxford and Cambridge attempt to move a boat more quickly across the Thames every year? Only one thing’s for certain: considering the number of seminars he’s attended this year, you wouldn’t want him as your doctor.
George Edison (Midfield/Attack, 2nd year, Geophysics)
Life as a second year UCL student has been nothing but a blast for George. Somehow he’s found the time between all the partying and laxing to become somewhat of a fashion icon around the union; sporting his trademark gilet, questionable tan-lines and blonde quiff, all of King’s men want to be him and all King’s girls want to be with him.
Besides all that, this year has seen Jungle rise from the lowly ranks of a second-rate fresher to soaring high as the much loved and respected captain of the 1s. Despite his excellent organisational skills, George has struggled to bring much else to the team. He’s currently on a season long goal drought which he assures us he’ll end in fantastic fashion against Strand Poly. No matter what some might say he’s not a poor man’s JME Morton (thank God he’s not in the country for Varsity for your sake George).
Rory Penman – Mr Family Man (γ, 2nd year, Economics w/Stats)
This year Rory has become a real big man on campus. No literally. This year has seen the second -year pack on at least 25 kg of pure mass! with a very small percentage of that potentially being muscle, although currently it looks unlikely. He’s also accrued a huge following on Instagram, due in part to his natural talent as a wordsmith when captioning his masterpieces. With an almost internet-shattering 36 followers he’s now rivaling his fellow social sec, and resident UCLU Lacrosse cam-girl, Amber Doig-Thorne for popularity online.
Despite the almost constant stream of terrible chat that pours from his mouth and his complete lack of interpersonal skills, he’ll still have a large contingent of fans cheering him on at varsity. I’m sure we’ll all be able to hear his cousin screaming from the sidelines – much like his poor flatmates hear every night through the wall. Rory is confident we’ll win and promises not to cry with ULU teammate Felix when Strand are destroyed – well… unless he comes into contact with an almost undetectably small amount of mayonnaise (Mmmmmmm food) or a mildly annoyed Alice Horn. In that case we fear the floodgates may never shut and we may lose our most irrelevant player forever.
George Pattinson (Attack, 3rd year, Natural Sciences)
He has a GIRLFRIEND. If you’ve ever heard of UCLU Lacrosse you’ve almost certainly heard of the Pattinson Brothers. What he lacks in terms of his brother’s height he more than makes up for by actually being able to catch and throw the ball. Unfortunately, George has been absent for much of the season due to serious work commitments, mainly involving staring into the night sky at the observatory wishing he was staring down a pitcher of long-island Ice Tea in Loop instead. Lil Pat would have returned to the side sooner if not for his horrific washing-up injury… I don’t want to get into it… I still get nightmares. He makes his reappearance just in time to show off his trademark crease goals and large antics.
Laurence Aston (Defence, 2nd year, History)
I’m going to keep this brief because the Department for Work and Pensions are almost certainly going to read this piece of literary genius. At the ripe old age of 27, Laurence is the oldest player in Varsity this year, and potentially still in the education system at large. The 80’s baby lived a former life working for Selfridges before deciding to fake a chronic back injury so he could study a PhD and live in halls for far, far longer than a man of his age should.
Who knew playing for two lacrosse teams, a sport in which even the helmet warns of the risk of death, was so good for an ailment that cut down the poor guy down in his prime. *cough* (come arrest him, i’ll link his facebook) *cough*
Max, (Defence, 4th year, Physics)
Max is a veteran of varsity at this point, being able to proudly call himself one of the few prestigious talents to make it to his 4th year playing lacrosse. Although, this year’s not been without its hardships. The big man has had to miss the majority of the season with a serious injury; however, before bowing out for some much needed rest he reminded us all of his world renowned ability on the pitch as well as in Loop. Heroically blocking a shot with his neck of all places before proceeding to feign injury so he could crack on with the rather attractive pitchside nurse. We’re glad to have you back Maxxy, can’t wait for all the yard sales.
Quintus Carr (Attack, 3rd year, Builder)
This year has seen Quin being bestowed with the highest of all lacrosse honours, finally being added to the 1s Facebook chat. He’s come on leaps and bounds this season and is deadly in attack when the two Americans can’t play, or both the George’s aren’t really feeling it, or when Caleb and Ben fancy a run in midfield. He’s a reliable 7th choice attack-man and if Strand Poly somehow manage to injure the rest of us he’s sure to give it the best go he possibly can, just don’t ask him to design any kit – for God’s sake. From President last year to this… what a year he’s had.
Erik Spiro (Midfield, Economics 3rd Year)
Erik’s the team’s designated Face off guy, in part due to him being the best at it on the team but mainly as he’s incompetent with anything else involving a lacrosse stick. After a rather harrowing experience at our nationals tournament last year involving port, Erik dumped it for K cider and hasn’t looked back. His loop attendance has been hampered this year by his job hunt. With many interviews & no job yet, we’re starting to worry for him.
James Price (Defence, History, 3rd Year)
Playing under the watchful eye of our lord the saviour, James holds an important role as the team’s cardinal. However Pricey has a tendency to go missing, whether it’s after consuming a litre of port or during a fast break on the pitch. Being given the ultimate honour of being picked to play 1s and then proceeding to not turn up to the game on the day is a sin we cannot forgive.
James has moved from playing with the gammas down in South-Eastern 2B to becoming a 1st team starter with relative ease. One thing’s for sure: this Sunday, The Cardinal will be out to smite the Kings attack.
Matt Hughes (Attack, Masters, Archaeology)
Matt is our other resident American. Journeying across the pond from Kentucky in the heart of the south, Matt was all too pleased when Trump was elected. Often found rocking a stained wife beater, with a can of bud light in hand, it’s a relief that his lacrosse ability overshadows everything else. Regularly scoring 6+ goals a game has left Kings’ defence with all the more reason to be scared.
Ed Mclaughlin (Defence, Economics)
With the speed of eduroam on a rainy day & the grace of a heavily sedated alpaca, Ed relies on being 6ft7 to physically dominate opponents. Having all but tied the knot with his girlfriend after moving in with her this year, it’s a relief Ed’s been given permission by her to play. Currently sitting as second favourite to become president of lacrosse next year, being beaten by 42-year old father of two, Gary Yam, we hope for Ed’s sake UCL win varsity.
Two losses in a week could be too much for big Ed. After recently bleaching his hair for the third time due to fronting the recent UCLU LAX Blonde for Mind, Ed is secretly praying it does not speed up his ever receding hairline.
Dan Scales (Midfield, Masters, History)
With three solid years of 1st team lacrosse at Kent University under his belt, hopes were high that Dan would make an instant impact. Oh well… no point getting upset over what could have been. Standing at an impressive 6ft3 inches tall, Dan is an intimidating force of nature on the pitch.
His talent of becoming virtually invisible when he turns sideways has proven a real benefit as he often finds himself on the crease one-on-one with the keeper, shame he’s never hungry enough to finish his dinner though. Dan’s high centre of gravity makes him ideal for a GCSE physics question on stability & how any little bump can result in major toppling, as shown in games where Dan spends the majority of the time being knocked over.