Man unsuccessfully juggles plates at ‘Take Me Out’ event

It was a wet Thursday evening and deep in the bowels of the Cruciform a lecture theatre was rammed full of mildly drunk students shouting “no likey no lightey.” Last night UCL saw the first annual RAG society edition of popular man-judging show Take Me Out — and a few other things besides.

With the crowd suitably numbed by a variety of crisps and bargain booze, a bevy of lovely local gals were brought out appropriately to the tune of  Beyoncé’s ‘Single Ladies’, which seemed to have been written for the exact moment when ten UCL students shimmied their way across a basement with portable fairy lights draped around their necks in lieu of the usual illuminated podiums.

Ladies….

“I thought Paddy McGuiness was going to be here,” said a girl beside me, filling a plastic cup with wine. “He was on the poster.”

After reminding her that McGuinness would’ve been a bit of  stretch for the RAG budget (Although Dave Benson-Phillips would easily be affordable. HINT) we were introduced to the lucky lasses. Alice from Brighton remarked that she was “trying to find something to do tomorrow night.” With the emphasis on the word do, and a few wolf whistles from the audience, we were clearly already in the spirit of the game.

With the buxom babes all comfortably seated, the first man was released into the theatre like a Christian to some be-lipsticked lions. Dele, 21, told us he was a medic and that (plus a few biceps here and there) seemed enough for every girl to keep their light on. There was definitely some likey going on.

Quickly we cut to the first video of the night, and Dele’s friends took us through an exposé into the man behind the t-shirt, featuring him bench-pressing another human being, pissing on a loo seat and talking to himself. Unsurprisingly, seven lights went off. Looking to keep hold of the remaining girls he showed off his special talent: several well-executed notes on a harmonica, citing Bob Dylan as an influence.

iThe video also included Dele  naked with a book covering his groin

With two girls left, he asked them what Disney character they’d be. Taya chose Mulan, explaining that she was a dab hand at martial arts. Unfortunately, high-kicking wasn’t enough for our man Dele, who left with that girl Alice from the start, finally making sure we knew what she’ll be doing tomorrow.

As they walked off into ‘the sunset’ (The back of the room. Apparently Fernandos was a bit too expensive,) the next unsuspecting fella was brought out.

Zahir, sporting a rather dapper cardigan, told us he wanted to run a big company when he grows up and in return saw five lights immediately go out. One of the girls left on, Anna, replied that she was waiting for the video. She could’ve waited longer though, as the insights stretched from “he always finishes his coursework on time” to the horrific “If you’ve got a sore throat the next day you know where he’s been.” All lights went off and Zahir left the stage as one of the committee mercilessly played Eric Carmen’s ‘All by myself.’

Don’t wanna be….

Next up was the president of the Boat Club and Scottish mechanical engineering student Charlie, who managed to keep a full set of lights after his introduction. Following a video showing off a variety of physical activities, only one girl turned her light off. She was in the minority though. “I like the accent” remarked Kira. He soon showed off that regional lilt wasn’t the only string to his bow, revealing that his special talent was baking to a resounding set of ‘awwwws’ from the crowd.

After offering round some home-baked toffee he had a veritable Christmas selection box of wenches to choose from.

image (22) Charlie handing out the goods

“Kira’s hot like a furnace” came a call from the crowd. Clearly Charlie likes to keep things cool, choosing Fabia, a girl who promised that her experience as a massage therapist would help him get to sleep.

Finally, out came Rugby lad ‘Hot Harry’ and things took a decidedly dangerous turn for the worse. One girl immediately turned her light off only for Harry to effectively heckle her for her decision. Apparently she wasn’t a fan of the double denim he was sporting. Luckily another girl, Lucy, loved it. While she was talking, Anna next to her not-too-subtly turned her light off, leaving Harry once again shouting at a group of women in front of a room full of people.

Unluckily, it was time for his friend Tom  to take the stage and tell us about what makes Harry tick.

Tom, who eerily sounded like Paddy McGuinness (The girl next to me was chuffed,) proceeded to gleefully show the assembled gals a photo of Harry’s soiled boxer shorts, before saying that on date Harry would ‘take them to a  nice eatery then do them up the bum.’ Inexplicably, two lights remained on as the rugby boy prepared his special talent.

Holding three large dinner plates in his hands, Harry calmly explained that when he was younger his parents “used to fight a lot. So I’d juggle with anything I could find. Soon I got really good at juggling,” before throwing the plates up in the air and smashing them against each other. Huge shards of china sprayed out over the contestants and the audience alike in an orgy of health and safety nightmares coming true. Standing in the wreckage of his sanity, and the glare of the RAG committee, Harry received no further lights and left the stage shouting obscenities.

Cowering under his own creation

Fishing bits of porcelain out of the crowd

The crowd looked at each other. We didn’t need to speak. We had survived.

A shaky committee member told us that the evening was in aid of The Make A Wish Foundation, and all the money we’d given to watch a student sportsman have an onstage breakdown would go to fulfill the final wishes of terminally ill children. If any of those wishes are to be attacked by flying pieces of crockery, we know who to call.

*The committee have since issued an apology to the contests and anyone in the audience. They were told that the act would simply be juggling.

RAG’s next event is bungee jumping in the quad on 18th March. There will be an 175ft crane stationed for the day and entry costs fifty pounds in advance, sixty on the day. Harry can fuck off. 

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