Varsity: Meet the Team

Whether you like or lump rugby, the small matter of the Varsity match is tomorrow and pride for all is at stake to keep the Strand Poly in its place. The Buzz meets the squad who will carry all of your hopes and aspirations, for the next 24 hours or so, upon their muscular shoulders…

rugby ucl varsity

UCL vs King's
2nd March 2012
Women's Match: K.O 5.30 PM
Men's Match: K.O 7.30 PM

From 5.15 PM follow live updates from The Buzz website as we take you through the whole of the women's match then the men's.

With the Varsity kick off just 24 hours away, The Buzz asked the men's squad some of those all important questions, involving tackling famous people and who the biggest shark in the squad is.

From their answers, The Buzz can safely conclude that it would not like to get on the wrong side of Elliot Mills, whilst also being willing to advise young ladies prone to 'sharks' to avoid Alex Cailleteau when gracing the likes of Moonies or the Roxy…

Name: Haris Ismail

Year: 2nd

Degree: Philosophy

Position: Centre / Wing

Roxy or Moonies? Roxy – Lash + Banter = LashBanter

What’s the worst thing about King’s? Lack of ethnic diversity on their team.

If you could tackle any famous person throughout history who would it be and why? Any of the 2012 Republican Presidential candidates for their unflinching adherence to socially conservative and economically neoliberal principles that stand to create huge inequalities in wealth and threaten the secular constitution upon which the US was founded.

Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? Elliot Hurdiss – would probably catch something off him.

Team joker? Kadeem Houson – token black guy

Who can handle their drink the best? Their what?

Biggest shark? Michael James Fairbairn – if only he were as good at rugby as he was at pulling ugly girls..

Name: Richard Taylor

Year: Third

Degree: History

Position: Hooker

Roxy or Moonies? Moonies- controversial, but I like the way the sticky carpet hugs my feet and entices me not to leave, or move.

What’s the worst thing about King’s? The way they don't always refer to themselves as "King's". Bad grammar really irks me.

If you could tackle any famous person throughout history who would it be and why? Jesus- he seems a bit full of himself.

Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? Jack Tredrea- he'd show up late and then squint at me because he doesn't wear contacts.

Team Joker? Jonny Miles- initially claimed to be a centre (despite having the hands, build and gut of a prop). Still claims to be "funny".

Who can handle their drink the best? William Green- but descends into a primordial being.
And worst? Daniele Manzi- unconfirmed because nobody sees him drinking as he's tucked up in bed with his girlfriend.

Biggest Shark? William East- his capacity for womanising astounds me.

Name: Oliver Marshall

Year: 2nd Year

Degree: Chemistry

Position: Wing

Roxy or Moonies? Roxy. I mean who even goes to Moonies, it has a carpet.

What’s the worst thing about King’s? Their smelly chat, tragic

If you could tackle any famous person throughout history who would it be and why? Usain Bolt, I would have caught the fastest man ever.

Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? Elliot Mills, on the pitch he eats people like me.

Team joker? Tom Brocket

Who can handle their drink the best? Jack Tredrea holds his 'What"?! best.
And worst? Jonny Miles is definitely worst, he's on a permanent ban from Roxy!

Biggest shark? My vote goes to 'Ugly' Ed. Ladies, he's got a hammerhead shark, if you get me.

Name: Fergus Taylor

Year: Fresher

Degree: Classics

Position: No. 8

Roxy or Moonies? Moonies. Banned indefinitely from The Roxy .

What’s the worst thing about King’s? It is a distinctly average Poly that serves as a grave-yard for UCL rejects.

If you could tackle any famous person throughout history who would it be and why? Jonah Lomu in the 1995 world cup semi-final.

Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? Elliot Mills.

Team Joker? Will Green.

Who can handle their drink the best? Zain: consumes like a machine.
And the worst? Henry Pune: scarlet after a pint.

Biggest Shark? Fairbs. No standards.
 

 

Name: Kadeem Houson

Year: Finalist

Degree: French and Spanish

Position: Scrum Half

Roxy or Moonies? Roxy.

What’s the worst thing about King’s? Who?

If you could tackle any famous person throughout history who would it be and why? Beyonce, for obvious reasons.

Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? Elliot "The Goblin" Mills

Team Joker? Haris Ismail

Who can handle their drink the best? Tom Brocket

And the worst? Daniel "Keg" Mizen.

Biggest Shark? Richard Taylor-Cripps
 

 

Name: Mr. President (Faaaaaairbs)

Year: Fresher for life baby

Degree: Politics and Economics

Position: The Boss

Roxy or Moonies? Roxy. There's nothing to gain from stating the obvious.

What’s the worst thing about King’s? Repugnant looking men.

If you could tackle any famous person throughout history who would it be and why? Me. It would be interesting to be faced with such a monstrous challenge.

Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? Erm, probably me.

Team Joker? I'm trying to think of someone funnier than myself…

Who can handle their drink the best? Ferg Taylor for 10 minutes.
And the worst? Ferg Taylor for all the time after that.

Biggest Shark? Alex Cailleteau, I've taught him well.

 

Name: Zain Ahmad Riza

Year: 2nd

Degree: BA German

Position: Centre

Roxy or Moonies? Neither because of my high class.

What’s the worst thing about King’s? Their faces.

If you could tackle any famous person throughout history who would it be and why? Justin Bieber

Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? Jonny Miles – his quads are unsightly.

Team joker? Manzi.

Who can handle their drink the best? Zain.
And worst? Brocket.

Biggest shark? Cailleteau.
 

 

Name: Andrew Smith-Doctor

Year: 1st

Degree: Engineering with Business Finance

Position: Centre/ Full back

Roxy or Moonies? Roxy

What’s the worst thing about King’s? The Rougeness

If you could tackle any famous person throughout history who would it be and why? Lomu. Bring him down a level.

Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? No one.

Team joker? Miles

Who can handle their drink the best? Poon
And worst? Paymahn

Biggest shark? Fairbs.
 

 

Name: Jonnie Harris

Year: 1

Degree: Natural Sciences

Position: Hooker

Roxy or Moonies? Roxy. No explanation required.

What’s the worst thing about King’s? I fully support the monarchy.

If you could tackle any famous person throughout history who would it be and why? Hitler at Munich.

Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? Brad Jarvis – He’s mean.

Team joker? Richard Taylor

Who can handle their drink the best? Ferg Taylor
And worst? Alex Cailleteau

Biggest shark? President Fairbs.
 

 

Name: Alex Cailleteau

Year: 1

Degree: European studies

Position: 7 or 6

Roxy or Moonies? Roxy, more disgusting birds.

What’s the worst thing about King’s? Their rugby

If you could tackle any famous person throughout history who would it be and why? Jude?

Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? Haris

Team joker? Manzi

Who can handle their drink the best? Zain
And worst? Richard Taylor

Biggest shark? Tom Brockett
 

 

Name: Elliot Mills

Year: 2nd

Degree: Natural Sciences

Position: Hooker, Prop, Back Row

Roxy or Moonies? Neither.

What’s the worst thing about King’s? Rouge

If you could tackle any famous person throughout history who would it be and why? Jackie Chan

Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? Alex Davidson, such a big deal

Team joker? Not Jonny Miles

Who can handle their drink the best? Jack Tredrea, big head
And worst? Dan Mizen, too emotional.

Biggest shark? …
 

 

Name: Alex Davidson

Year: 1

Degree: History

Position: Second Row/ Blindside Flanker

Roxy or Moonies? Roxy.

What’s the worst thing about King’s? The ‘Let’s all go down to King’s video’

If you could tackle any famous person throughout history who would it be and why? F.D. Roosevelt – he’s disabled so I wouldn’t miss him.

Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? Myself

Team joker? J. Harris

Who can handle their drink the best? Jack Tredrea
And worst? Dec Callaghan

Biggest shark? Cailleteau
 

 

Name: Brad ‘Beautiful’ Jarvis

Year: 3

Degree: Pharmacology

Position: Back row

Roxy or Moonies? Neither. Both are as hideous as eachother.

What’s the worst thing about King’s? Their rugby team

If you could tackle any famous person throughout history who would it be and why? Martin Luther-King

Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? Elliot Mills, he is horrible.

Team joker? Anyone but Richard Taylor

Who can handle their drink the best? Tredrea
And worst? Probably me if I started drinking.

Biggest shark? Great white.
 

 

Name: Henry Poon

Year: 1

Degree: Biology

Position: Flanker

Roxy or Moonies? Moonies, even more disgusting

What’s the worst thing about King’s? Poly

Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? Elliot Mills

Team joker? Manzi

Who can handle their drink the best? Me
And worst? Ferg Taylor

Biggest shark? Cailleteau
 

 

Name: Ed Lowe

Year: 2

Degree: Biochemistry

Position: 2nd row

Roxy or Moonies? Roxy, why ask?!

What’s the worst thing about King’s? They are uglier than me.

Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? Elliot Mills

Team joker? Jonnie Harris

Who can handle their drink the best? Tom Brocket
And worst? Will Green… Ha!

Biggest shark? Me, for obvious reasons!
 

 

Name: Elliot Hurdiss

Year: 3

Degree: Neuroscience.

Position: Hooker

Roxy or Moonies? Roxy, I’m banned from Moonies.

If you could tackle any famous person throughout history who would it be and why? Stevie Wonder.. He wouldn’t see it coming.

Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? Fairbs – but that would never happen ‘cause he never gets picked wooay!

Team joker? Elliot Mills

Who can handle their drink the best? Tredrea
And worst? Mizen

Biggest shark? Dan Mizen. Oh wait…
 

 

Name: Jack Tredrea

Year: 2

Degree: Mechanical Engineering

Position: 2nd Row/ Back row

Roxy or Moonies? Roxy, too many Sports Nights there to think otherwise.

What’s the worst thing about King’s? The colour of their strip.. Horrid.

If you could tackle any famous person throughout history who would it be and why? Zinzan Brooke, he’s amazing.

Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? Elliot Mills. He’s terrifying.

Team joker? Will Green

Who can handle their drink the best? Will Green – northern lad, helped by his genes!
And worst? Henry Poon – Asian, let down by his genes!

Biggest shark? Haris Ismail, he’s shameless at times.
 

 

Name: Paymahn Safi

Year: 1

Degree: Engineering with business finance

Position: 7

Roxy or Moonies? Moonies – Roxy’s too small.

What’s the worst thing about King’s? Jonny Miles.

If you could tackle any famous person throughout history who would it be and why? Jonny Miles’ girlfriend

Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? Haris.

Team joker? Jonny Miles LOL.

Who can handle their drink the best? Cailleteau
And worst? Jonny Miles

Biggest shark? Jonny Miles.

 

Be sure to tune into the Buzz tomorrow from 5.15 to find out how the boys and the girls get on!