What your fave Edi club says about you
She’s a 10 but her favourite club is Hive? Instant 11
It’s a Saturday night. You’ve just had a long hard week of pretending to work in the library as you count down the minutes until your next afro wrap, and you’re finally ready to have a wild night on the town. You’re having a great pres… the Tennents are getting passed around, the bucky is flowing and you’ve got a sour apple dragon soup in your pocket for the journey. The real question now is: where do we go?
The ever-dependable Why Not. If this is your club of choice you are probably either an Edinburgh local or someone who wishes there was a Pryzm in Edinburgh. As you rummage about the dance floor for your mates, getting glimpses of fake tan amongst the artificial fog, with ‘Freed From Desire’ booming in your ears, you might question your choice of club. However, when you eventually reach it, you’ll realise why you went…the theatre of dreams that is the Why Not smoking area. With VKs in hand and your token walk through the LED room as a distant memory, you remember why this is the third time you’ve been this week.
In going to Gari’s you have one of the easiest conversation starters in the world: what house in Pollock Halls did you stay at? As a Gari’s fanatic, you may be on the edgier end of the Edinburgh student spectrum, yet don’t worry, you will be sure to find your own in this bohemian and compact club. Yet as you boogie amidst a minefield of shattered Gari specials, you might ask yourself, why did you leave Why Not to come here? It’s not a Sunday night. There are other club choices available. However, it is at this point that you remember that Gari’s £6 long island ice teas exist. Moreover, to every Gari’s enthusiast, I ask you: how many times have you taken a mirror selfie in front of that naked bloke in the toilet?
Bongo’s devotees remind me of those who smoke outside the library. They are realistically cooler than you and they know it. You try to speak to them, but you didn’t go to Woodlands so you’re immediately in trouble, then you try your best to fit in by referencing that one night you accidentally ended up at Cab Vol, but let’s be honest, you’re out of your depth. Bongo’s fans have long left behind the days of singing along to 80’s bangers – instead, look forward to a night of dancing like Mark from Peep Show on a dance floor that’s too big. Did you know that there was an upstairs? I only found out the other day.
If Hive is your club of choice, I might politely ask you why you got turned away from every other club in Cowgate. Were you too late for anywhere else? Unsuitable clothing? Or, realistically, were you just too drunk for most clubs? But no, Hive is a haven for all, from 40-year-old blokes, to students on a curry night social that got out of hand. It’s the Cowgate club that feels like the weird relative at a family gathering, somehow lovable even through all its peculiarities. It’s too big, it’s a bit sweaty, but there’s something about it. I honestly applaud those who go regularly. It also has music videos on the wall. Need I say anymore?
We get it, you didn’t want to go to Bongo’s and you can’t be bothered to walk a long way, or maybe you are just a huge Pitbull fan. In any case, get ready for a night of weaving in and out of people getting off, as you search for your friends in the most carnal of Edinburgh clubs. As a big Subway fan or part of the ever-growing Tamagotchi Tuesday fandom, I greatly respect your patience in queueing for hours on end and being willing to leave for the club at 10pm. Such loyalty can only be won by the quality of the club’s venoms and the knowledge that you will hear every possible ABBA remix ever made. At Subway, you will also experience some of the more daunting steps of your life, as you attempt to ascend onto the raised dance floor in a venture that becomes increasingly tricky by the end of the evening.
It’s a big club with multiple dance floors and sing a-long tunes. No, it’s not Why Not. It’s the place you went in Freshers’ Week and didn’t return to til about a year later. You’ll need Google Maps to find it, and play hockey to know anyone going. If you love Atik on any night apart from a sports social on a Wednesday, your meal deal probably involves ready-salted crisps, a ham sandwich, and a bottle of water. But each to their own.
It’s an Edinburgh Uni institution for a reason. Whether a fourth year or a fresher, the word cringe doesn’t exist here as everyone buys into the sheer absurdity of a Saturday night at Potterow. From its ridiculous name to the insane expectation that you should have to buy tickets online for its events, Big Cheese goers can delight in sharing the experience with like-minded fanatics. You might even see your friendship group double, meeting everyone you spoke to once at an afters, as you carry out the expedition from the dance floor to the toilets, completing your weekly leg day in the process.