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Seriously, why isn’t there a Waitrose in Durham?

It’s an affront to all self-respecting students

Have you ever had the feeling that something is missing? It drives you crazy, like the phantom itch that comes with a missing limb.

You're not alone. It's the thought that runs through the mind of the gilet, puffer, and wax jacket wearer alike: why isn't there a Waitrose in Durham?

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The 'value' euphemism isn't fooling anyone

You might shrug this off as something trivial. You may be right. Yet you need only glance at the weathered, crestfallen faces of students all-too familiar with 'value' supermarket shopping to realise the desperate need for an upmarket alternative.

As a member of the best Bailey college, us upper-classholes are used to the finer things. Having our food served to us (sorry Josephine Butler). Bi-weekly formal dinners. Dining in a fucking castle (sorry everyone else). It only makes sense that we have a supermarket that caters to our discriminating taste.

Waitrose has a royal warrant to supply biscuits and booze to the Queen – that's right, the beloved tourist attraction. Where will she get her grub from when she visits all her relatives in Durham? Pret? That's high treason. More importantly, do the Royal Family deserve better than you?

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"Don't choose a photo that makes us look like dicks"

How will we adapt to the metropolitan-elite lifestyle post-graduation if we were never given the opportunity to spend inordinate amounts of student loan on premium hummus?

There're TWO Greggs within walking distance of each other in Durham and not ONE Waitrose. Clearly, this is an outrage. And it can only point to one thing: conspiracy.

Think about it. If you lived anywhere further north than here, you'd be getting accosted by an aggressive drunk to the tune of bagpipes. What do you immediately associate with the North? Greggs. Durham is desperately clinging onto its identity in the wake of an onslaught of southern toffs, rahs, and poshos.

'Wear' is our Waitrose?

Not having a Waitrose is deliberate and calculated. It's a middle finger to Whole Foods frequenter; a slap in the face of the M&S 'it's not just food' foodie. For now, the best we can hope for is a Tesco Finest meal deal. But it's just not the same. Oh, the shame.