Wizards and witches of Durham, the time has come. Finally, the people’s calls have been answered with this rigorous and Hogwartian analysis of college life. So read on, whether you’re from Slytherin or Gryffindor, but please don’t ‘Avada Kedavra’ me if the truth’s too hard to handle…

Grey – Quirrell

It’s true, Grey kids have a fantastic view of Durham from their enviable position on the hill. However, just as Quirrell longs to possess what he cannot (the Philosopher’s Stone, please try and keep up), Grey’s lot stare longingly across the countryside at the life source of the Bailey. Actually, a parasitical overlord may actually manage to make the college more interesting, but for now they have to rely on the brief fame of their annual fireworks to make them at all relevant to the Durham community.

Collingwood- Oliver Wood

Full of stacked sportsmen eager to prove their worth to make up for frustrating masculine complexes, Collingwood deserves no finer an equal than the captain of Gryffindor’s quidditch team and all-round nice guy Oliver Wood. If you can seduce someone from there you’ve done well- after all, he’s a keeper!

Cuths – Tonks

With a reputation for cool students and that ‘independent society’ vibe, Cuths radiates a Tonks-like edginess. Just like she can use her powers to metamorphmagus into a duck, Cuths churn out a heady mix of personality types, ranging from the classic Surrey banker-wanker to the girl who thinks that having BANKS on your iPod gives you a permanent free tab at Fishtank.

Castle – Harry Potter

The self-proclaimed ‘Chosen Ones’, everyone hates Castle students because they’re the constant centre of attention: instant BNOCs without having to lift a finger. Their wealthy reputation and debonair charm means that Castle students are also a dab hand at slaying trolls, although their shared bedroom situation means that more often than not this has to take place in the toilets. Thanks to their excellent alumni relations they, like Harry, are able to see things that others can’t, whether it be a thestral or a post-university career in a top quality law firm.

Hatfield – Draco Malfoy

Born to the muggle equivalents of Lucius and Narcissa, Hatfield is the UKIP of the Durham collegiate system: a potent amalgamation of self-entitlement and privilege rendering its students the least popular on campus. The stunning vividness of the students’ chinos is more blinding than Draco’s hair, although they aren’t so adverse to hand-me-downs as long as they’re in the form of a solid gold signet ring.

Hild Bede – Voldemort

Both Hild Bede and Voldemort suffer from being social outcasts, hidden away in remote parts of the world where no one ever goes unless you’re a rower/death eater. Although the college is known for its sporting prowess, this is also probably going to be the place where you end up with a flattened nose and a weird mark on your arm after the rugby club’s initiation ceremony. Their extensive grounds certainly make them one of the most powerful players in the Durham college game but, like Voldemort, they too need some magic wood if they’re going to impress with their wand.

Stephenson and John Snow – Padma and Parvati Patil

Essentially quite irrelevant, the two Queen’s Campus colleges must twin up to deflect harrowing blows from the big names at the university. The kind of students that’ll only ever be your Plan B, you’re aware that they exist but don’t really have much of an opinion of them beyond that.

Ustinov – Dumbledore

Wise, bearded and perhaps a little bit insane, the postgrads up at Ustinov are the arbiters of knowledge for humble undergrads at Durham. Tucked away in offices you’d need a Marauder’s Map to locate, you might not be aware of the work they’re doing all the time, but a sudden surprise appearance at Klute or the Ministry of Magic reminds you of their spellbinding moves on the dance floor.

Jo Butler – Ginny

It takes a bit of time with Ginny to get how great she is. Similarly, until you hit up Jo Bo, you reckon it’s a bit irrelevant- but when you finally visit, a sassy mix of cool and independent undergrads shock you into realising that it’s The One. Self-catering is only possible with a Weasley woman’s courage and confidence, and you’re going to have to get used to living in absolute filth when you don’t have house elves to do the dishes for you.

Unfortunately, their remoteness does make them rather desperate, so be careful on a night out or you may wake up to find them unconscious after gaining entry to your chamber of secrets.

Mary’s – Wormtail

Let’s face it, most of us only see Mary’s when we’re walking over it to get somewhere else that’s probably more important. In a similar manner, Wormtail is only relevant to the Potter plot when he’s being trodden on, whether it be by snarky James Potter or psycho Voldy. On the plus side, both have some redeeming features, but you’ll probably only find this out when it’s too late.

Aidan’s – Hermione

Hermione set up the Society for the Protection of Elfish Welfare to be more accommodating to all of those at Hogwarts. As Aidan’s have a fittingly equal reputation of being highly inclusive and taking in students from all walks of life, it’s appropriate for them to see eye-to-eye with Hermione. Regrettably, Aidan’s students are also the ones who never shut up in tutorials.

John’s – Trelawney

The ultimate breeding ground for Christians, both Trelawney and John’s students demonstrate a shockingly accurate ability to prophesise on events to come. John’s is also tucked away for fear of embarrassing the rest of us with their socially awkward timidness and outlandish religious fervour. However, like Trelawney, Johns students can turn into confident and crazy players when they are possessed by the ‘curse of the quaddies’

Mildert – Karkaroff

Emerging from a great lake, Mildert lurches into view in the way that Karkaroff does when boating the Durmstrang boiz into action. Both a bit depressing to look at and past their best, Mildert and Karkaroff just need a bit of time in Azkaban to bring them up to date with the rest of society and work out what went so wrong.

Chads – Hagrid

Obsessed with all things green, Chads and Hagrid have a great deal in common. Not only are they both forced to live in relatively tiny living conditions, their loveable personalities and friendly approach to life are sure to win over even the cruellest of Beauxbatons headmistresses.

Trevs – Luna Lovegood

Ditzy, arty and a bit out-there, but with a fierce streak of intelligence and loyalty running through the heart of its alumni, Trevs is Luna in every way. They might not be well-known, or indeed at all relevant, but these guys know how to enjoy themselves in their own special way – mainly by single-handedly keeping Klute open on a Wednesday.