How to prepare for post-exam freedom

Exams may not have started yet, but ORIEL WELLS is here to help you prepare for when they do finally finish.

Post-exam season is a time of hedonistic pleasure, of anarchic nights and tranquil days, and of getting so drunk that you actually achieve the life long ambition of getting kicked out of Klute. On the other hand, unless you’ve been brave enough to have sex in Billy B during its most popular period (in which case, genuinely well done), the library is little more than a place where souls go to die at the moment.

But when they are all over, you want to be prepared to fully embrace the madness of the next few weeks when all responsibility has melted away and every night has the potential to end up in a strange part of the country. Here’s how:

Bikini wax/Back, sack and crack

I know we’re up North and the weather is currently less predictable than Putin’s foreign policy, but that means you’re just going to have to be prepared at all times.

You can pretend that you’re growing it to show yourself that it’s your body and you don’t have anything to prove, but at the end of the day if it’s long enough to plait, it’s long enough to catch your tears when you’re sitting at home with all your cats. So brave the wax and get those pesky hairs ripped off in time for when Loveshack re-opens its hallowed doors.

What’s not to trust?!

Get the perfect summer bod

If you’re not the colour of a roasted parsnip and built like a North Atlantic oil rig then the odds are you aren’t gonna get any after exams. That’s just the truth. Despite the constant mocking of locals and the cast of Geordie Shore, students still spend inordinate amounts of cash emulating them, clinging onto their distinctly southern accents as enough of barrier to separate them from those they so often scorn.

Apparently there’s an excellent sun bed on North Road if you want to really live life on the edge and, if you can’t afford gym membership, there are some weighty looking rocks up by Castle that would be excellent weights substitutes. Just don’t forget leg day.

The dream…

Regain your freedom

Gold Rush 2k14 is almost upon us, and no one wants to be tied down to just one person when there’s all those anonymous one night standees just itching to sleep with you (mind you, they’re probably itching for a reason…).

Sure, waking up to the same face every morning might seem idyllic right now, but you’re going to need some top qual banter to get you through the incessant pre-drinks and, to be honest, stories about how your other half cooked you eggs in the shape of an erotic body part just aren’t going to cut it.  Do the right thing and end any relationships before they guilt trip you into staying with them by reminding you of your drunken mushy texts.

The familiar passionate stare of resentment

Get into drugs

Realistically, the all-day, all-night drinking of post- exams will very soon ruin any chance you have of achieving that ultimate summer bod, with each shot of vodka containing 55 calories and a pint of beer setting you back 300. But that doesn’t mean you have to suffer through Durham’s sweaty nightlife locked in the severe and disheartening cage of reality!

Starting a drug habit is the best way to prepare for your impending freedom, starting on the legal highs now so you’re ready for the hardcore stuff when the first Nova of the holidays begins (side effects may vary).

If you’re feeling really adventurous and strapped for cash, make your own!

Stock up on Tesco value

If you really can’t face the thought of taking drugs (or the peer pressure hasn’t got to you yet), you can at least make sure the stuff you’re drinking is of similar threat to your health.

Tesco Value vodka is the nectar of students and cheap enough that you can still afford to get you hair dip-dyed in time for all the Polaroid photos. Unfortunately, it’s also more popular than fried chicken at Notting Hill Carnival, so you better grab as much as you can know whilst everyone else is still foolishly focusing on their exams.

Don’t even pretend you can afford this shit

Save your money

The temptation to splash out on fancy flashcards and burritos may be overwhelming during this period of intense misery when you have an intense emotional relationship with a specific space in the library and the highlight of your day is doing a set of washing.

Trust me though, you’ll regret it all when it’s only week two of the holidays, your overdraft’s run drier than Anal Alice when she’s forgotten her lube, and you’re watching Disney’s Little Mermaid in your bikini whilst everyone else can actually afford to go to the beach.

She made the same mistake