What meal is your college?

From the bland to the extravagant, which dish are you?

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Remember when you were applying to Cambridge and everyone claimed that the college you chose wouldn’t matter?

Cast your mind back to the reassurances that ‘you’ll be happy at whatever college you end up at’. Not quite the case.

Metaphorically speaking, how would you feel being served nut roast every day for 3 years while your course mate gets a full roast dinner? That’s the reality of the difference between Cambridge colleges. Of course, some people are far better suited to the wholesome veggie option, while others thrive on a protein rich diet of hard to pronounce and expensive delicacies. Each college is suited to a particular culinary delicacy, offering a variety of experiences much like Cambridge college life itself.

Johns- Roast Swan

According to Google, the only people in England who get the honour of eating swan are the fellows at St. John’s. A niche privilege, to say the least. One probably served accompanied by a port jus and cooked to perfection in an AGA, darling. On special occasions, this delicacy is preceded by oysters, an acquired taste which you either love or hate, much like Johns itself.

Trinity- Lobster

Trinity is like a lobster: difficult to access, and easiest for those taught from a young age how to crack its tough exterior. This is served after a starter of smoked salmon and caviar blini (expensive and unnecessary, but if you’ve got the money you may as well spend it).

Tit Hall- Crab Sticks

The ‘lobster’ you ordered might not be lobster at all… Tit Hall tries its hardest, but just can’t compete with its towering neighbour and its flashy exterior. But once you adjust your expectations, crab sticks are just as satisfying…

Emmanuel- Roast Dinner

Homely, welcoming and comforting, this meal ticks all the boxes. It’s exactly what you crave and adaptable to personal preference (though if you’d pick mash over roast potatoes, get yourself to Girton).

Sidney Sussex- Sainsbury’s Ready Meal

There’s no doubt about it, Sidney would be a Sainsbury’s chicken tikka masala ready meal. Though it’s not exactly the height of culinary achievement, it does the job. A great man once said ‘Sometimes I think about trying a different ready meal, then I banish those thoughts from my head and go for the tikka masala’. Similarly, Sidney is a reliable classic.

Girton- Mushroom Risotto

The dish that’s always on the menu but no one ever orders. Particularly painful if you’re a vegetarian who has lived through countless mediocre risottos because restaurants can’t be bothered to think of something more exciting.

Pembroke- Avocado on toast

Pembroke’s food snobbery is reflected in this classic Instagram worthy dish. We get it, you have a Michelin star chef and the accolade of ‘best brunch in Cambridge’. The avocado is almost as aesthetically pleasing as Pembroke itself.

Queens’- Guinea Fowl

There’s just so much of it, and it’s impossible to escape. Rumour has it Queens’s creative chefs have experimented with guinea fowl curry, guinea fowl chow mein and guinea fowl stew. Freshers were even treated to it twice in two days at Family Formal and Matriculation Formal. Give the poor people some chicken!

St. Catharine’s- Primary school party food

Easy going and fun loving, Catz is like the nostalgic chipolata sausage, party rings and hula-hoops snack situation you’d find at a party. It wouldn’t necessarily be your first choice for a meal, but it never fails to please everyone.

Jesus- Chicken breast, spinach and egg whites

Jesus is full of sporty spices at the peak of fitness. Their bodies are their temples, fuelled only by the purest of ingredients. This one is best served with an ice-cold protein shake. #gainzgainzgainz

Churchill- Tinned spam

A vintage classic, Churchill is firmly stuck in the 60s. Along with spam, and no one is complaining about that.

Kings- Quinoa salad

Healthy and middle class edgy, the Kings student can fill up on their super foods, meanwhile ignoring the environmental and social costs of quinoa (look it up). Kings students may claim to be social justice warriors, but their drug habits are probably single-handedly supporting the lifestyles of many a Columbian drug baron. Oh the hypocrisy.

Medwards- Mash (no bangers)

At Medwards it’s meat free Monday all week long. Mash caters to all, though its no one’s first choice…